I guess it's good to have someone who makes everything meaningful but even better to be someone else's one who makes meaningless time worth facing. I never really liked cheesy wordsthat people use to praise others....So I'm actually surprised that I'm feeling grateful rn.

Having someone who gives me something to look forward for tomorrow at the end of each days is awesome  but awesomer to be the one who gives reasons for someone else to endure the pain on the path of ones dream. 

And I'm so tired. Tired physically but rather mentally.

My boyfriend wants to keep our relationship secret  for, according to what he said, not being teased like you have a girlfriend~ or whatever. But i have a sense that he might wanna keep it from people's eyes because of me. Because I am ugly and fat he doesn't wanna get people know. That's my guess but likely it's rather truth.

I'm gonna fast till Xmas.

I checked some YouTube videos that people fasted for a long period of time. Apparently human beings are not designed to die easily. 

I hope this fasting will last long enough that I will be at least a little skinner. 

And I hope that this will shrink my stomach and untie my unhealthy relationship with food.

He jumped into my life. He changed my life in every way except for my biggest issue, eating disorder. 

He keeps implying that I need to lose weight cz he likes skinner girls or whatsoever. 

I fast and binge and purge and cry.

Don't know what to do

I do at wanna eat but I do eat.

Fuck my life. Fuck myself. Im tired.