I've just been thinking about all the stuff that I wanted to tell you when we met in person, but I don't see that happening any time soon, so I'll just write it here.

I'm still so hurt and feel so betrayed,not only cause of what happened that last month we talked, but also what you said about having doubts while we were still together,keeping it all hidden from me even though you kept talking about being honest and all,and god knows what other things you were not sure about that I don't know about.

At first I blamed myself for what happened last year, thought I messed up and maybe I didn't try hard enough, but then I realized it wasn't,I did the best I could've and gave my all but since you didn't say anything because we were "happy" and you didn't want to ruin it, it ended up as it did.

I'm dreading my birthday this year, I don't want it to happen, cause it's gonna remind me of everything, of how happy and safe I felt, of how we talked about "the future" and such, of how I was about to propose with the ring I gave you, even thought watching that last episode of orange right before I did was a sign, but I ended up not doing it cause I wanted to wait until next time we saw each other, but there was no next time.

It's also gonna remind me of the bad stuff that happened the week later, how you ghosted me and then said everything was okay and then broke up with me the next day, of how depressed I got, of how I couldn't even sleep in my room for like a month or even stay here for long periods of time, and of how i ended up taking antidepressants cause it was too much for me to handle, especially because of the hormones I'm taking made me feel that break up 10 times more.

You said you didn't tell me how you really felt when you found out last year and how you hid your pain from me, but guess what, i did the same.

I never told you that I tried cutting several times, a couple this year, but the knives were always blunt and no matter how hard i tried they just gave me some marks, which are mostly gone,the only marks I still have are from when i used my nails instead.

This last week was also kinda idk, not hard, just full of thoughts I guess, cause it's the week i was supposed to be over there, I'm honestly torn cause on one hand I really just wanted to see you back then and talk things over in person, nothing else, but on other hand, it led to me spending a weekend with Aaron and Nicole and honestly it'd been a while since I've had so much fun and enjoyed myself like that.

Maybe if i'd gone to see you it'd had made things even worse for the 2 of us so maybe it was for the best.

I've also been thinking about how I'd be fine with us talking over the phone once a week or so cause there is also good things I want to tell you, like my name change last week, cause honestly, when i got it, you were the first person I wanted to tell but i couldn't.

And i still can't, because talking to you means opening myself again and I'm not ready for that.

That's also why I was expecting to see you in LA, because I think the only way I will be able to see us as friends again is if we talk in person and I was really hoping you'd go,but I didn't say anything because I didn't want you to feel obligated,but you still thought it was an ultimatum for some reason, but i reallly thought you would go because I kept thinking how when i messed up I did my absolutely best to make it up to you and go see you in person to talk about it , even if it meant getting into debt that i'm still paying to this day.but maybe I'm always expecting stuff, not only from you but just in general and that's my bad.

And don't get me wrong, even after all that happened, i don't regret trying so hard, because as dumb and cheesy as it sounds, i always thought meeting you was destiny and even if it was just for a couple of months, It was the happiest I'd ever been, which is also why you not saying anything hurts so much, cause I kept thinking things were perfectly fine.

And idk maybe everything that happened and me being where I am right now is also destiny for what's coming.

I just wish you'd been honest with me from the beginning instead of leading me on, from the first time I asked you what you wanted out of this relationship. It sucks cause I really just wanted to see you and I honestly was getting used to the idea of us being just friends,but you started getting all flirty and talking about how you wanted us to just be ourselves when we saw each other in person, and that gave me so much hope and made the last 6 months of anxiety worth it. And even then, I asked you so many times, and you never said anything, even when I asked you out, you just said not right now, that you wanted to take things slow. Which honestly was kinda weird cause you'd gotten into 2 relationships in less than a month but you still were unsure about being with me, it kinda tipped me off but I really thought you'd be honest if you were done for good and if that was the case you would've told me right there that you couldn't be with me at all.

It's honestly weird how in a span of 2 weeks or so you changed your mind about us and about our trip.

I asked if you were serious about the trip and you said yes, then you said you weren't sure because of money issues so i brought up the possibility of me going there instead, so we started planning and out of nowhere, right when I'm getting the tickets you told me you didn't want to do it. I feel like if it really was a money issue, you would've told me days before or right when i told you I wanted us to buy the tickets later that day, not right when I was buying them and on top of that you get mad at me for being sad about not being able to see you. 

Idk maybe me still trying after you told me you were poly, even thought I'm really not was my bad, but I didn't care, I didn't mind you having other people,I didn't mind the full constant anxiety or the sleepless nights as long as it meant i could be with you, all of that just so you could use the "I flirt with everyone" excuse when I called you out. 

If that was the case you'd done it a long time ago and not right when we're planning to see each other. Idk man.

Maybe one day I'll get to tell you some of this.

I still need time to be ready to open up again so we can talk like before.