The person I was really mad at the day before yesterday isn't that bad after all and I think things will turn out pretty okay when it comes to all that stuff.

A bad thing though: One of my best friends don't understand me. He don't get what my life is about and what upsets me the most and what I'm fighting for 24/7. I'm afraid and sad. Afraid that there are so few people who actually will understand and acept me the way I am. I'm sad because I though that my friend knowed me better than that. I'm sad that I don't really know what to do with my life, at least before I'm turning eighteen, or maybe nineteen.

I just got one friend that I really can talk to. Or actually I got three, but one of them is so different from me as a person so I don't really know what will happen in the future. All of them are over twenty years old. I'm such a child in one way and totally grown-up in another. I can't talk proporly with people in my age. I'm not feeling that well and I don't know what to do about it.

Maybe I should talk to someone about it more than I already did. But I don't think that's going to help... I know one thing that really would help, but that's just a dream of mine. That is that I hade a mentor. A mentor who's like thirty-something years old and that can help me feel better when I'm down. The mentor should offcourse be queer and really against all the heteronormative things. Zie/She/He should ofcourse not live a heteronormative lifestyle at all. Instead it should be a person who lives in a community or something like that. You know, like a person who lives in a apartment/house where everyone are eatchothers family.

I'm so fucking tired of this shit! Pardon my french.

//Emil, Emm.

I'm so sick of a person right now! Or actually I'm not that sick of just her, I'm also tired of all the other people (almost) that I've got the same relationship too.

I'm so sick of being stuck with assistans all the time. It would be so much easier if I just could use a robot some times. It's hard to always have to be with persons who're being payed to help you but they sort of just makes a total mess of your life.

Need to go~

//Emil

I want to find blogs at ameba which written in English and which is written by other LGBT-people. I mean, it's so nice to have blogs to read that you can relate to, and honestly spoken: I can't relate so much to stereotypical, straight and heteronormative people. Too bad! So if you're an LGBT-person and somewhat queer, write your blog-adress here please! m(_ _ )m

Today I've searched for my book named "Hello Cruel World", written by Kate Bornstein, but unfortunatily I couldn't find it. So sad because I really don't think I can live without that book, it's a real masterpiece about how to survive as an LGBTQ-kid in this world. So good!!! I wonder if I should write the author a letter, I mean, it's better to tell the person who's written the book that you really like it than just tell everybody how great it is, right? I must buy a new one at Amazon a.s.a.p., because if I sometime soon gets depressed or something that book would really be the best cure for me, I promise!

About Kate Bornstein: I wonder why I like her so much... I mean, she's a great author and writes about really interesting stuff, but I don't usually gets this obsessed by an author! Maybe it's because she makes things visible that usually don't get atention at all, such as the problem with being a LGBTQ-kid and so on. She also writes about genders, and that's one of my favourite subjects to discuss, so maybe it isn't so weird that I like her so much anyway...

Before I quit writing I must just say that LM.C will come back to Sweden in April. I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The question now is: What to wear?

I will remember this year the rest of my life, both the good and the bad. Maybe it would be best to try to explain the year in months, but I think that would be too cliché, at least for now... Maybe I will do it later on, tomorrow or something...

I hope that the next year will be a good and happy year full of exciting things and meetings. I hope that I will make new friends (and foes, hahaha! nah, just kiddin'!) and maybe meet a new love. I hope that I will continue to grow as a person and that I will have found myself even more till next December. I hope I will find even more things and persons to cherish and I also hope that somethings will turn out to the better. I also hope, and this with all my heart, that I will be able to forget somethings that is still nagging on me and that I will be able to think back at some of those things and smile and say that I'm a much bigger and better and more mature person than I was back then.

Please do everything you can to become a good person you to! A new year is a perfect new start to do all those things and if you always tries to develop your personality to the better you will start to see a lot of things that you couldn't even dream of before! I'm absolutely not an expert on these things, but I really do belive that one person can change so many things to the better just by staying openminded!

Happy New Year!!!

//butakewt~

We have an assignment in Swedish in school that we should write a chronical about something that has to do with the subject courage and we have to talk about one text that we've got (we've got three, one about coming out of the closet, one about aparthied and one about God)... I'm not black and I'm not religious, but I am gay so offcourse I want to write about coming out of the closet, but it's just that that most of the pupils in my class seems pretty conservative so I don't know if that's such a good idea... I mean, we always grade eachothers assignments before we hand it in to the teacher, that's a part of our education, and that means that some other pupil will read my chronical and that can create some unpleasent things in the near future if they aren't openminded... What should I do? What gives people right to judge if someones sexuality is good or bad? I thing my teacher got the thing when we talked about it because she said that I could skip the friend-grade-thingie if I really felt uncomfortable with it, but I want to stand up for myself also so maybe I should just stop thinking and just write one hell of a chronical about my coming out as a lesbian story?!

Well, I got to go and take a shower now...

//butakewt

About yesterdays title.... I talket to a girl yesterday (we've been talking sometimes for a quite long time actually) and (I think) she started flirting with me... (!) She's so hot, it's like a joke really, and we decided to meet eachother soon!!!! I'm so nervous, it's crazy, and I really want to make a good first impresson if you know what I mean... But WHAT THE **** SHOULD I WEAR?????!!!!!!! (((( ;°Д°))))

About something a little less happy... "The heartbroker" contacted me today (you know the girl I've been talking about in my second post on this blog, I think...)... We decided to be friends some while ago but she really don't understand me at all and she just makes me feel hurt whenever she does something so maybe it would be better to just shut the whole thing off...?

I was out shopping on "Hallongrottan" (a Swedish Queer-feministic bookstore) today and bought alot of things! Baibai money but hello happy me!

I also redid my nails today so now they're all Christmas-y, kewt!! (^∇^) I've got a picture on it, here you go:

So... What do you think? o(^-^)o

//butakewt

A new blue mascara

Nail-deco with Christmastheme

Candy (and some "medecine", think Miwako from Paradise Kiss-style)

I've been so girly today! It feels kind of nice... I mean, I haven't acted this "cute" in months, I've just been so busy being a punk-chick so cute may be good for a change... (*^o^*) I think I will do that style for a while in the near future... It's December so why not try acting like a sweet (but yet stubborn and alternative offcourse!) gal for a change? A one that do parapara and sends photo e-mails all the time. Kawaii! <3<3<3<3

You may be wondering about this post's title...? Well, I'll tell you next time, now I'm going to eat with my folks!

Baibai!! (^ε^)♪

//butakewt

Hello, it's been months! I'm so sorry!!

I was supposed to quit posting here, but I couldn't stop since this blog is much more cuter than my other one... I will not give this adress to so many people though because that was exactly what happened to the other one and now I can't write about all the things I feel like over there anymore... This will be more like a diary for me, I know I already have one but sometimes it feels like it's so much easier to write stuff on the computer... I don't know why actually, it just is!

These past few days I've been home from school. It almost feels like skipping class becouse actually I'm not that ill... It's nothing that I'm proud about, belive me, but it feels like this is the best way for me to sort out some things that keeps on nagging in my head. Sometimes I actually think it can be good to just take some days off! (I haven't been skipping the whole week! Absolutley not! Just today, the three first days of the week I've been having such a pain in my right leg so I almost couldn't move from bed.)

I promised mum that I was going to e-mail some of my teachers about homework and stuff, but I haven't... What's wrong with me? Why aren't I that perfect girl that I used to be? Not that I'm failing or anything, but maybe I shouldn't try to stop care about school and my grades so much... Maybe they really exist of some reason and maybe it would be better if I started to care and work as hard as Anna-san in my class seem to do...?

I haven't planned anything special for this weekend at all and it feels pretty nice. I think I will go out and buy some deco for my Christmasnails that I wan't to do on Sunday, but that's actually my only plan.

Now - dinner time~

I just got home, and I'm so realived 'couse I didn't had anything to be nervous about at all! I didn't needed to prove anything at all 'couse I already know that I'm a whole different person and that I've moved on for real! I'm so happy and realived for that! ≧(´▽｀)≦

Now I got nothing more to worry about at all! I'm ready to start a new school, I mean, I've already started a new life just over this summer! I'm really a whole new girl with much more self-confidence and self-respect! Hello world, here I come!!!

// butakewt~