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This is just way long already.
I shouldn't be writing this.
But this might be a reminder for my future self, when I look back.
How far I've come.
I just hope few years down the road I've already let go.


This year April I was admitted to the hospital for Tuberculosis.
It wasn't a good time for me
I stayed in the ward for almost a month at that time.
Depression kicks in, although it isn't that heavy.

Was jobless, single, broke and friendless

During my stay, I finally know who are my real friends are
and how cruel you came to be.

Maybe you didn't know whats going on
But times when I really needed you to care.

You weren't there.

I just couldn't bring myself to text or to call you to tell you about my condition
I am afraid you might not care and I might bring myself into worst state than I was at that time.

Then I realised how much I tried to be there even before we got together
How much I wanted you
and when I was in the ward
How much I've missed you.

It wasn't easy standing up.
The things you've said to me really put me down the dumps.

Life goes on and I already turned a new chapter in my life.
But the memories of you and me are still with me as I advance.

The happy times, The sad times. The times of What Ifs and Maybes.
Those memories attacked me very randomly
and made me realized that.

I haven't let you go.

No matter how hard I wish that you were a memory in the past.
No matter how hard I tried to move on but I'm just scared

How terrifying it is that things turned out to be how it is to be.

Thank goodness for my friends who are always around to cheer me up.
But when the memories attack
I just couldn't help to feel down.

At least the good side of it was that
I am slowly moving on?
As in those memories didn't attack me as much as they did before.

But you would still appear in my dreams
And would remind me how hurting it was you've left me.

You've now moved on and I guess totally forgotten about me
Got your boyfriend, got your friends, got your life.

It's best that I should stop thinking about you already..

2 years already and I'm still single.
Maybe because I don't want any remaining bits of you that would affect how I treat my "future" girlfriend.

That wouldn't be fair.
]]> https://ameblo.jp/celestialsecrets/entry-11911463259.html Mon, 18 Aug 2014 03:05:17 +0900 Ranting about emo stuffs that has been happening within me right now.

Reason I've been away for so long its because I starting to feel better already.
I dont have that hunger/need to text her everyday of my life. Or hoping that she would text me already..

Things just come natural and I am okay with it.

I just realised. Its about 24 hours before our second anniversary.

And our first kiss together.

Despite things getting better ever since the last post that we got a huge arguement and stuff.
I still miss her a lot and I still very much in love with her..

Its up to that very ridiculous stage where even you yourself clearly know that you are suppose to move on but you cant take that first time of getting away.

I mean come on. its 2 years already. Isn't it time to move?

Logically its time to move but everytime when I truly ask myself the question. And I am still waiting...

Sigh. Maybe this situation will get better after another year. I am not entirely sure about it.

_____________________________________


Well today. I helped her locate her passport that she accidentally left it in my car.
Of course I got worried as much as she was. And I was relieved that its really in my car and not dropped anywhere else.

And while looking at her passport while walking towards the elavator.
I just realised that. With this little book.
She could visit her boyfriend in Singapore since her posting is starting in Johore Bahru.

Then I looked at it and I felt very emotional. Till this moment.
It hurts alot that I am still in love with her and yet I am helping her to go visit her boyfriend.
Maybe I was burried deep within the friendzone that I have not seen the light of days already.
Its just very depressing to have realised that.

Sure, I could just hide it. Or even told her I couldn't find it and she's force to make a new one.
But because of assurance I just told her that its really in my car.
And I don't want to be the bad person here.

She meeting him is a fact that cannot be changed. But when I have the chance to change it. Even just a little, slight bit.
I couldn't do it.

She thanked me alot today.
But despite that. I dunno. I don't felt as thanked as how she thanked me.
It felt different.

Sigh. Tears meant nothing for me already. The pain is slowly and effectively became the part of me everytime she mentioned him.

Its hard to move on when you are clearly still in love with her.
Just wish that time would turn back to when I have her.
Things looked better last time.

______________________________________________________________





Shes still the girl in the picture that I've kept for more than a year.
I would always bring it along with me.
And might even look at her. Because the pictures stored our most precious memories.
I would miss the memories but I can't have them anymore.
Only the picture remains.

]]> https://ameblo.jp/celestialsecrets/entry-11569749975.html Wed, 10 Jul 2013 01:22:29 +0900
Today she got a threat from the underworld people. It got me super worried.
I want to know what is going on so I could think of a solution of helping her.
But I dunno how to approach her as she was in a emotional/ganjeong state.

sorry i couldn't write on. seriously no mood left.
]]> https://ameblo.jp/celestialsecrets/entry-11538803275.html Mon, 27 May 2013 01:48:09 +0900 https://ameblo.jp/celestialsecrets/entry-11530096506.html Tue, 14 May 2013 01:15:09 +0900 I really dunno how to start.
Because there are a lot of things I wanted to tell you but do not have the guts to.

Sometimes I just felt so unappreciated.
Yeah sure I did a lot of things for you without asking anything for return. I think I broken that promise when I felt that you don't appreciate me as much.
Maybe you don't know how to convey your appreciation towards me I am not sure.
But I just feel that when you say you will be my confidence then you left for another person it hurts me to the core.

I don't want to be inferior in my family.
I am always the quiet one in my family.
But I felt so alive when I am outside of my house. When I am with my friends. I felt superior sometimes.
I feel more confident. Am smarter and things go well for me when I am with my friends.
Yet you couldn't really see it. I really dunno how do I show you my feelings.
That is the reason why I don't want to go back to my house so early when I am out.
Even if I am at my house I am a shut in... Usually staying in my room alone.
I am close to my family. Yes. But sometimes these traumas don't just go away when I pour it out.

I want to show you I am confident. I am capable of taking care of you and so I try to meet up with all your needs. Try to solve your problems when you are too stressed to solve them.

I was your Superman.

But today, when you talk about karma and said if your child ends up like that bitch then you will feel pekcek.
The best role model you would say JingMing number 1 then say Bernard number 2.
Now it is unfair to say they are bad people without get to know them first.
But I just can't believe I am not in that same catergory as them lah.

I am not a smart scorer. I don't possess perfect scores in my report card.
But I just feel that. If your child's role model is me.
Wouldn't it be great if your child treats their partners right. Always provide and protect their partners and never let go even when times are difficult?

They are maybe better than me.. I dunno.
Or maybe I am jealous? I am not sure myself also.
But all I felt was hurt from inside and out. I just dunno how to hold it in anymore.

I felt like ending my life man.
Like this cannot, like that also cannot.
You recently start to get more distant with my friends and family.
I am scared that even one day when you are single. And I wanted to chase you back. It is impossible already because you don't want to go back to me...

i burst.
]]> https://ameblo.jp/celestialsecrets/entry-11530061893.html Mon, 13 May 2013 22:51:47 +0900 I might miss her and our memories we had together.

But after today (11th of May 2013) I know that I still love her so so much.
Today she went out with him.
That is the reason why she's been ignoring my call. And also not replying my whatsapp. Or even online in whatsapp.

I could say today I was worried. From yesterday I tried contacting her till today but her replies was slow.
And I thought that its her council problems so she would ignore me because she was busy.

But apparently my "sixth sense" got me wrong. And at first I thought she was out with Keith. But yeah she did go out with a guy. But its with her boyfriend.

Don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong to go out with her boyfriend.
But I could say I really felt like something stabbed my heart everytime they hang out.
Or his "unexpected" visit that surprised her and she took a photo together with him. My last photo with her was in Melaka. And now that my phone is lost. I have nothing to look back to.

Its the 11th. By right it should be our 1 year and 10months together if things went well and we did not breakup.

It is still a date to remember but she spent it with him.

Last year. 2012. Around this day. She was away because her godfather passed away. I couldn't spend it with her. And she told me that she fallen for him. I can tell you. It hurts like the same as last year. Nothing has changed.

Sigh. I wish, if there is a God. Please have mercy on my soul.
I can tell you that I've been hurting non stop ever since we broke up.
Even if I did alot of things for her. I couldn't tell her that I felt unappreciated because she will freak out and say "OH, If you suffer so much then might as well don't love me anymore lah"

I just don't know what to do at times.
It hurts like crazy and God give me strength.
I am holding my tears now.
And I cannot express my feelings towards her or anyone else because there is nothing wrong to go out with her boyfriend.
And yet.

It still hurts.
Why am I still loving her, why am I still feel the pain?



]]> https://ameblo.jp/celestialsecrets/entry-11528764373.html Sun, 12 May 2013 01:28:28 +0900
___________________________________________________

She went back to her hometown on the day before the election. I could say I am more relieved at her decision. That night I slept before 1am. That was great news because I couldn't sleep well nowadays.
___________________________________________________

Sigh to tell you the truth. The 'Maturity.' post I really do meant it but sometimes its really difficult to live with a phone but yet the person you hope to chat with did not find you. And yeah sure. She is busy and chatting with me does not really bring her any benefit because I am not her nursing coursemates nor her boyfriend. She is not obliged to do so and I get that. But just that I would unknowingly stare at her whatsapp chatspace and just stare at it like a sad freak but yet I dunno how to start my conversations with her. Sometimes might as well just keep quiet and just let the day pass without talking to her.

Well I am okay at somepoints. Because we do talk every week. But recently she also refused to see me that often. Or rather she don't want to come to my house anymore. Maybe its because of me, or my sister, or my parents? I don't know for sure but she just don't want to see me anymore...

I can tell you. I did grow. From a boy who don't really care. To a man who solves problems. I'd believe there isn't a problem that I could not solve. And truth to be told, as independant as she is. She did depend on me to solve many problems for her before. And thats why I am Superman in her eyes.

I've became this person so that I could well.. be a service for her.
Because she is an independant girl who studies a subject which I can't really help much as well and she is quite proud at what she is doing. So I wanted to be a useful problem solver to help her to think and plan and solve problems that life threw at her when she dunno how to solve.

I dunno.
Sometimes I felt that she thinks I am stupid? A little bit slow? I not sure but when it comes on the subject on healthcare. The way she explains to me, I feel its like talking down to me. That I can't confirm.

Still despite this. I still want to be a useful person that hopefully one day she can look up to me for.
Because I still love her and I really hope that I would call her my wife someday.

Hmm. Still a long way to go I guess. But I am still improving myself.
_______________________________________

The reason why my title is called "Bone" is because. I dunno lah. Maybe is the loneliness that gets me or what. But sometimes I wish she would throw me a bone. Figuratively of course.

What I meant is. She knows I have no one to chat much to besides her.
She knows I'm hurting
She knows I still love her a lot
but can she just treats me with a lil slightly more love, more heart?
I know I might ask too much from this but sometimes I am desperate.
My heart felt cold ever since January about this year or so.
I need warmth given by her. Sometimes its the yearning of my heart but I dunno how to ask it from her.

Because she've gave all her warm and passions to her boyfriend and anyone else. Sometimes she forgot to spare some for me. I dunno.

Its true we went out alot. But can really sense that she treated me as a friend already. And the way she treat me is as a friend as well. Its fun but there is no warmth.

No hugs, Nothing more.

I could say I am rather a physical lover. Since emotionally its already impossible but little movements and quirks help me to feel her warmth but I just don't quite felt it anymore...

I can say I've never stop trying to provide her with that warm but maybe because I've always treated her that way. She's already gotten used to it.

Sometimes I would just imagine that if I ever stop treating her like this, Will I be colder than last time? or reversely, she would treat me with a little bit more warmth?

Just hope she would throw me a... Bone.
____________________________________

Sometimes I wish time would just go back. When everything is much simpler.

But am I the complex one who seeks simplicity or the world I live in is becoming more complex everyday?

I wish I have the answer to that question.
Because everything felt simpler when she is by my side.
]]> https://ameblo.jp/celestialsecrets/entry-11527480366.html Fri, 10 May 2013 00:16:03 +0900
Seriously. Living in Malaysia is quite dangerous when it comes to politics. When the people start to disrespects the prime minister. And a prime minister who uses cheating to win the elections.

This year's election might end in riots because the eyes could see that the people wanted change whereas the corrupted Malaysian government wanted to stay.

Everlyn is not around here. She is from johor. And because shes somewhat foreign, staying in a hostel in a malay village is dangerous.

I am scared that it will end up like may 13th. A dark history happened in malaysia last time. Malays kill the other nations. Curfew trapped everyone. Everyone lived in fear and peril.

I dunno what might happen so i begged everlyn to stay at my place.

I have trouble sleeping at night already. And when riot comes i really dunno what might happen. Although she says no problem one. But i dunno. I cant sleep. I am afraid.

I think she might have her own reasons for not to come to my house.

But i am on my knees already. I begged her. I am at a vulnerable state.

But she still could joke around and that made me think lah. Is she really gonna be this way? I am hurt far beyond repair already. And i know im not her boyfriend anymore but does it really matter? I wanted to take care of her but i dunno can i do it when the time comes.

We will see what will happen this sunday lah. Sigh. No mood all the way.



Android携帯からの投稿 ]]> https://ameblo.jp/celestialsecrets/entry-11521295374.html Tue, 30 Apr 2013 15:04:00 +0900 不知不觉。 会痛。
爱她的， 但不知不觉的不跟她讲。
寂寞的， 但不知不觉的成熟。
孤单的， 但不知不觉独立了。
坚强的， 但不知不觉的哭了。
痛苦的， 但不知不觉好会。
每找她， 但不知不觉的想念她。
知道是不值得的， 但不知不觉的不舍得。
累了， 但不知不觉的去争取。
没希望了， 但不知不觉的在希望下去。
不去想了， 但不知不觉的还依然爱她。

我真的是不知不觉的。。。深爱她。
]]> https://ameblo.jp/celestialsecrets/entry-11519054199.html Sat, 27 Apr 2013 02:21:08 +0900
Last time, when I just broke up. I feel very down very sad. I feel that my world was crumbling down when I've lost her to another guy.

I told myself not to bother her as much but I always break my own promise.

I always go find her and I wanted to chat everyday like we used to when we were couples but because of the breakup. We are not obliged to chat with each other everyday.

So eventually she got busy and did not reply my messages. I would feel so...... Depressed? I dunno what i felt last time. Coz that really was a year ago.

The reason why i felt more matured is that... Now i feel its ok we dont chat everyday. Even if she dont reply me as much i feel its okay.

I started to see clearly as before. That all breakups are almost the same. Usually one would wanna move on and one would try so hard to make that person stay. And it never ends good. And eventually. The two become strangers again...

I would say i am grateful that she still wants us to remained as friends although i still love her very much and it hurts her everytime she knows that i still feel the same way i do a year ago.

Sure sometimes, somenights. Without her warmth. I have trouble sleeping. And it hurts sometimes to lost her.

Dreaming about her did help sometimes and i'd wish that i could sleep more to see her but ah well... Maybe next time dreams would come true?



Android携帯からの投稿 ]]> https://ameblo.jp/celestialsecrets/entry-11508726383.html Wed, 10 Apr 2013 14:51:00 +0900