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I've been happy to go to school on some days... only because of the sweetest boy. I don't know what his name is. But he is absolutely gorgeous. I always see him alone. I can't help but to admire him. He's the most beautiful boy I've ever laid eyes on. I sometimes think that he's like me... because he's alone so often. Maybe he likes being alone. Maybe he doesn't want anyone to be near him... but at the same time, he needs someone to hold on to. Or perhaps it's just my mind imagining this. The only reason I enjoy going to school is so that I can rest my eyes on his beautiful face for a few moments. It keeps me happy. His eyes, and sweetly parted lips, and his perfectly straight nose... his elegant and fragile looking bone structure. I want to be able to talk to him... I want to be able to hug him. I always wonder if anyone thinks this way about me. It's so difficult for me to imagine that anyone would find me as beautiful as I find this boy. Only because no one has ever expressed it so.

I decided this summer that I'm lonely. I often think that there is someone beside me as I go to sleep. And then they appear to me in my dream that night. I've dreamt of the boy I was just talking about. I've dreamt of actors I admire. I've dreamt of imaginary people I've thought up. I always leave a space beside me when I sleep... just incase an angel decides to come in and sleep there. Sometimes I believe that happens... I feel so safe and at peace, that I don't feel lonely. I can breath. I've felt arms around me once. The slow heaving chest of a sleeping boy. I swear I've been visited by angels while I sleep. They know how sad I feel. I know that they're there... and I know that they will send me someone to love one day. I'm patient with this. I want them to be the right person.

I just hope that I'm visited by angels tomorrow... and as autumn progresses into winter. I don't want to be lonely anymore. Autumn has been more welcoming this year. I feel that it will be my happiness this year... along with that beautifully angelic boy.

Life is all right. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/clouds-and-magic/entry-11363465891.html Tue, 25 Sep 2012 08:30:09 +0900
This summer was not what I expected. I can't say it was as special as the last two... but I have taken a turn in my life. This was the summer that I decided I'm not going to fill my life with my own bull shit or anyone else's. If I want to do something, I'll do it. If I want to say something, I'll say it. I'm not going to keep quiet anymore. I want people to know that I do what I want.

I know that not every summer will be the same... But I honestly miss the times when I could feel hope when I listened to Golden Bomber. I still love them. But each time I look at them... or listen to their music... I feel upset. I look back and I remember how terrible things were. And they were the only ones to help me. I can't help it... but I don't know if I can listen to their music for a while... Not until I recover from everything. I don't want to have to forget about them... But they aren't helping me anymore. They're only burdening my mind with wishful memories and scary thoughts from last year. I still love you all. And I thank you for everything. But please let me be.

I have found other musical joys! The Who have set me on a new path. Much happier than my last. I don't feel the same way about them as I did Golden Bomber. I feel more powerful with them. I'm not as afraid as I was last year. I'm not afraid!

LIFE IS ALL RIGHT. AND IT ALWAYS WILL BE.
I WON'T LET ANYONE'S BULLSHIT BRING ME DOWN THIS TIME. I AM MYSELF. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/clouds-and-magic/entry-11345954674.html Tue, 04 Sep 2012 14:57:24 +0900
I was thinking... what if I was never here. What if I disappeared? Nothing. Of me... nothing. I wouldn't have to know sadness. I wouldn't have to worry. I wouldn't have to think anymore. I wouldn't miss anything... because I wouldn't be there. I wouldn't have to go to school anymore. No one could bother me. I would be by myself. Or maybe I wouldn't be anything at all.

I would never be able to make myself do it, though. I really thought that once school and everyone in it was gone for a while... I wouldn't feel so scared of waking up anymore. I wouldn't be as paranoid, or depressed and anxious all the time. I was okay for a while. I was okay for two months. But now I'm not anymore. I feel the same as I did. Because I know I have to go back. All I feel like doing is crying, and sleeping. But every time I look at the sky outside... I feel comforted. The summer sky comforts me. It brings back good memories, and fills my head with them for a while.

Hopefully, 100 Mile will take my mind off of things as well. I'm leaving on Monday. No judgemental grandparents this time. I want this trip to be for myself... I know that sounds selfish. But I don't want to be burdened with hate or people. Just for that much more longer until I am full of it for another year. I'm not ready to go back to that place. I don't know if I will be able to do it. The more I think about it, the more I want to disappear. I fucking hate school. It's too much for me. I'm not even excited to see my friends. I just want to sleep forever... and not worry about anything.

But in this moment... I have to appreciate that life is alright. There's nothing here to bother me. I can be peaceful right now. I need to live now...

Life is all right. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/clouds-and-magic/entry-11332331887.html Sun, 19 Aug 2012 11:23:54 +0900
Anyways. I have had a good start to my summer so far. I don't know what it will bring to me just yet. But I have a feeling it's going to be wonderful. I'm having my Lolita friend over on Friday. She doesn't wear Lolita to school. But she likes to borrow my clothes, and we like to spend time in it together. It's always so fun~ I like to teach her things about it. So she can start wearing it regularly like me. I plan to make cupcakes with her, and have tea while we watch "Kamikaze Girls". I've seen it many times. It's my feel good movie. So I'm excited to show it to her. We will probably go swimming, laugh at things on the computer, and stay up late in the tent. I can't wait to sleep outside for the first time this Summer~

I feel so much better! I can't hold in all of this happiness. I just want to frolic around in the sunlight in my frilly clothes. Maybe buy some ice-cream, go antique shopping, do all of the things I love! It was my one year anniversary with Golden Bomber on Monday. I celebrated by staying up all night then, and going to the beach in the day time. I enjoyed sitting by the water and drawing. I wasn't as bothered by the kids as usual. Which was nice. I'm off to make some breakfast now.

LIFE IS ALL RIGHT~! ]]> https://ameblo.jp/clouds-and-magic/entry-11288466364.html Wed, 27 Jun 2012 21:16:18 +0900
The last day has come. The last day of my foolish days. I will be able to find happiness again. The sky, it is beginning to clear for me. Everything is falling together again. The smile I once held upon my face has returned. Truthfully. Not the smile I tried to wear... but never fit. The real smile has broken the false one. I no longer have to wait for the Summer nights. They have come. Summer is running towards me with such haste that we are about to make a collision. This collision will cause memories to be made... a Summer full of joyful moments spent enjoying the nostalgia. I won't let the days of this Summer go to waste. Every moment will be cherished.

Words cannot express my happiness.

Life is all right.

One
more
day. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/clouds-and-magic/entry-11281466646.html Tue, 19 Jun 2012 13:56:19 +0900
I can almost say I've made it. I'm almost free. This year has gone by so quickly when I look back at it at a glance. But then I remember all of the painful memories. And I decide to never look back again. I will curse the ugly pieces of my past. They won't get the better of me next year. Because the pain isn't worth my time. That amount anyways. I've learned from it. And it should never cause me to cry that many times again.

Life is all right.

6 more days. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/clouds-and-magic/entry-11277282956.html Thu, 14 Jun 2012 15:49:57 +0900
Aside from that... Summer has visited my dreams often. And she has visited me in my waking state as well. Especially during the night. She'll knock on my window and swirl into my bedroom. Filling it with summer night air. I often spend time just lying on my bed thinking of things I should do this summer. I want to make a list. I really want this summer to be special. I love making memories. One thing I'm putting on that list is to have a big fire where I burn all of my unwanted school work. That will be fun. And I will write my thoughts on pieces of paper and burn them with it. So they won't be lingering in my brain in the summer.

Life will be all right...

16 more days. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/clouds-and-magic/entry-11268779817.html Mon, 04 Jun 2012 14:11:26 +0900
I get serious panic attacks at least once a week now. I used to wait until I got to school, but now it's way to hard to hold inside. I try to breathe... but I always end up hyperventilating. I worry about P.E. class mostly. I don't like doing physical work in front of people. Especially because I'm not good at it. I don't like people looking at me when I'm not in my regular clothes. I don't like the social qualities of the class. It's too personal for me. And I feel like everyone in the class thinks I'm stupid, and unskillful. I get these feelings sometimes... where I sense people's vibes. And I always pick up the negative ones. When I walk into a class room, I can feel the negative energy before I feel the positive energy.

Anyways... enough of that. Summer is almost here! There is only 5 more weeks of school. And they're going by at a pace that I can't handle. It feels slow sometimes... I wish school would just end. And. At least I can feel Summer actually holding my hands now. It's been really warm lately. I love the summer warmth. It's uncomfortableness is... comforting. My favourite part of the day is when the sun starts setting. And it goes so slowly... And then the warm night air sets in. And the stars come out. I also love it when I see the sun rising. The day is still beautiful though. It makes me want to cry.

I don't know if I can handle going to school tomorrow. I'm just not ready... I really want to tell my P.E. teacher that I can't participate in P.E. class because it causes me far too much mental and physical stress. It's taking over my life. And I don't want to let something so useless take over my life.

LIFE.
IS.
ALL.
RIGHT.
36 more days... ]]> https://ameblo.jp/clouds-and-magic/entry-11251168150.html Tue, 15 May 2012 11:50:25 +0900
I've missed school for the past 3 weeks. The first week, I only missed one day, and that was because I had a terrible stomach ache. The second week... last week... I missed three days. And the first class on Thursday due to a panic attack. The whole rest of the week... I spent in bed. I slept most of the time. I cried about things. I felt as if I was dead. I didn't want to leave my room. I just wanted to lay there, and sleep. I felt sick. This week, I caught a cold. I have a fever. I feel just as lifeless as last week. I never want to go back to school again... Never.

Even though I hate being sick... I really like being away from school. When I returned last week, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to smile... and nothing seemed funny anymore. My friends told me that I didn't look sick... Well, maybe because I have a sickness that is lodged deep inside of myself, and it just hurts. I didn't want to give them an explanation. They wouldn't understand. Some people probably think I'm skipping. But I genuinely feel like... shit. I don't know if anyone can see the pain that I feel. On Thursday, I felt terrible. My friends didn't say, "Welcome back! I hope you're doing well." Instead... they said, "Uh... Where have you been?" At lunch, I didn't talk. I debated whether to go into the bathroom and eat my lunch, or sit among the people. I chose to sit with my friends.

I felt lifeless, and empty. I felt isolated. I didn't want to be there. I hate talking about it. That morning. I visited my school counsellor. Next year, I'll be taking an online P.E. class. Thank God. But while she was talking to me, she made it sound like how I was feeling was not that bad. She made it sound like it was normal, and there was nothing to worry about. She said I could come back and talk about it. But I can't. I can't. The whole time, I couldn't fully express how I was feeling because I was afraid she would judge me. I hate talking about it with people I don't feel comfortable with. The way people look when they ask me things just bothers me. When they pause and wait for my answer. It makes me so uncomfortable and worried.

I want to speak to a professional. I don't want people at my school telling me, "It's normal. You're fine. Now go back to school and act like a regular human being." That is how I feel when I talk to a counsellor. I can't deal with it.

I want to sleep... and never wake up. Goodbye. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/clouds-and-magic/entry-11232010933.html Tue, 24 Apr 2012 10:55:21 +0900
The next morning I awoke, and went to school. I was in the hallway beside Jaquie's locker. There was a guy from my school there. His name is also Thomas... but he is a douche bag. He was saying his opinion on people from our school. And he said to me, "You. I would fuck you so hard." I was disgusted by this thought. So I ran after him and tackled him. Since I'm starting to get better at lucid dreaming, I was actually able to do damage. I knocked him down and punched him in the face, I began to strangle him. I got up and while I stepped down on him, I said, "YOU STUPID FUCKING BASTARD." That's all I remember from that day. I saw him again the next day, and he said, "You are one fucked up bitch." I ran after him again. But I got the wrong person. It was Thomas Gore. But he was disguised as Jesse Price. I only realized it was him after he started walking away. I remember standing in the hallway. And it was so crowded. It was way too crowded. I closed my eyes, and I was in my dorm again. It was night... and I decided I wanted to leave for good. So I packed my things and left.

I remember being under an arch with Thomas. And he kissed me. We fell asleep together. But I woke up in my yard. No one was home, it was just me. I saw Thomas Gore come down the hill and walk through the gate. Olan was with him. I took advantage of this, and I said, "Thomas. Help me." I felt sad in this dream, and I knew he was the only one that could help me. He hugged me. And then the sun came out and shone a beautiful light. And I felt happy again. We walked up the road. But it was strange. It was bouncy... and it was like walking on the moon. The cherry blossoms were floating in the air. And the sunlight shone on them. It was so beautiful. Olan was still with us. Once we reached the top of the hill, two police cars showed up. They took Olan and Thomas away from me. I ran after them. They were taken to my school. I searched for them. And I found them in the forest behind my dorm. I caught up with them... and we all began walking farther into the forest.

I had a dream the night before... And I was in an orchard of cherry blossoms searching for Thomas. I found him, and we both just sat together quietly talking about nothing. It felt so beautiful. He held my hand, and we fell asleep together. When I woke up he was gone. But I remember the cherry blossoms were so beautiful in the moonlight. I don't know why I always have these dreams about Thomas. But they always make me feel better. I don't know what it is about him that makes me so happy. But he just does.

Life is alright.


]]> https://ameblo.jp/clouds-and-magic/entry-11229743995.html Sun, 22 Apr 2012 07:35:50 +0900