https://ameblo.jp/fatameba/ ブログの説明を入力します。 ja I need to blog.

Things are... fine and yet not really. Things are fine, because right now, I'm done with my examinations and I'm as free as a bird during this long break of 2 months till the 16th of October. Things ain't fine because I'm having this PMS shit right now. I get frustrated, listen to songs that are seemingly safe, and the tears come naturally to my face.

I really do not know the hidden reason for this inexplicable.. feeling. Life is not that bad right now. Suitors are at its minimal, studies - I did the best I could and all that I can do now is to wait for the release of results on the 19th, love life? The love of my life just confessed to me earlier this morning. Finances hm, I'm keeping a tight watch on my finances but I'm soon gonna have a little problem financing Her Royal Highness Jolene Lee because of the new braces that I'm gettingsoon.

But if you just take a step back and look at this, my life is... above average. I should be feeling above average happy. So why the hell am I feeling below average depressed?

Honestly speaking, I feel hollow inside. Like an empty walnut. It's a hard nut to crack(unintended pun), and yet when you get your life out just to crack that teeny weeny piece of nut in anticipation for the aromatic glorious golden-brown, brainish looking piece of nut... you found nothing.

This is the kind of shit I am impinging on people. I make them anticipate, being a hard-to-get. The outcome will still be the same - hollow.

Maybe this is why I'm playing my best to be hard-to-get. I want you in the game for as long as possible. I'm trying to make you do your best to obtain me. Although I am actually the one who is crazily infatuated and in love with you, I need to play like "I-don't-give-a-piece-of-fucking-shit" so that you will yearn for more love and attention for me.

Now, in summary, I know why am I feeling so shitty right now. I sorted out my thoughts - everything. As I mentioned before, there isn't any reason in particularfor me to be feeling like shit. But now I understand myself.

"I like to blow things out of proportion, exaggerate every emotions and feelings, and most of all, indulge in misery"

Perhaps this is just what most deemed as "PMS".

Now I wonder how the fuck am I going to salvage myself from all this shit.

Goodnight Jolene. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/fatameba/entry-11012200330.html Fri, 09 Sep 2011 01:39:46 +0900
Will not be going to blog then.
People who are mentally deranged are have biased points of view.
I feel so trashy today.

Deactivated facebook by the way,
"Why do I even bother helping the entire world when no one ever bothered about me?"

I'm so destined to live a lone life.
]]> https://ameblo.jp/fatameba/entry-10577197246.html Wed, 30 Jun 2010 00:30:58 +0900
I kept worrying about you.. how you'd be, are you sleeping well.. are you ok.

I miss you so much.
How are you doing?

But its just.. the wrong time.
I was packing.
I was having my PMS-mode.
The onion in my eyes,
was so intense,
so, so intense.

I miss you.
I really do.
Please be well. :)

]]> https://ameblo.jp/fatameba/entry-10576240917.html Mon, 28 Jun 2010 23:22:41 +0900
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?

WHAT'S WRONG?

I FOUND THE THINGS I NEED.
EVEN IF IT MEANT TO PUT MY LIFE AS A STAKE.

Gosh, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU WITH ME DOING THINGS W/O YOU AND YET YOU'RE LINKING ME TO HIM!?
]]> https://ameblo.jp/fatameba/entry-10566214996.html Fri, 18 Jun 2010 01:12:51 +0900 She said its at the storeroom.
I went to the store and start finding for it.
She said its on the floor
I looked at the floor.

"No, it couldn't possibly fit it there"

"YOU AND DAD ARE THE SAME, EXPECT THE THING TO APPEAR RIGHT INFRONT OF YOU"

"Fuck you."

"Can you confirm it is at the store?!"

"YES."

*Searches thoroughly*

"COULD IT BE IN MY ROOM?!"

"Search yourself"

"Fuck you."

I went to my room and climbed up my wardrobe.
It was high.
I was struggling to take that item as it was so deep inside, being blocked by myviolin. One hand, supporting myself (Not even a proper grip, yo) but just openedpalm against that piece of wood.

It was goddamnit heavy.
I got stuck.
I can't hold on any longer.
I cried for help.
She kept quiet.
I jumped down. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/fatameba/entry-10565541608.html Thu, 17 Jun 2010 11:37:03 +0900 She told me about it.
I was probably more delighted once I heard the news than she is.
Really, really happy.

However, it brought me back memories of those times that we were together.
It've been so long, so long.

I seemed to just plunged into this abyss of darkness nowadays.
It is just so.. alone.

I like time spent alone.
I..
got to go.

I'm gonna face the music now.
Probably crying later.. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/fatameba/entry-10545917836.html Thu, 27 May 2010 00:14:56 +0900
My mother opened it. Supposingly.
I'm very perturbed by her actions.
ITS MY PACKAGE.

Really, seriously.
I hate people who intrude into my privacy.

I am still deeply haunted by the stigma you left on me afew years ago.
The camera.
That.fucking.camera that you insistently claimed that it is in MY ROOM that I LOST IT.
Then, you proceeded to ransacked my room.
Such an invasion of privacy left me leaving the scene with wet eyes.

You went through my things.
YOU SAID YOU DON'T CARE.
You fucking asked me to open that fucking private drawer since you're so INSISTENT THAT I TOOK IT.

Like WTF. Why would I ever want to steal a damnned camera battery?!

Oh my,
I am living in a world of negativity.
It is not that I want to,
But probably because that I can't have don't have any positive ones to remember.
Or at least, to keep me going in the darkest periods.

I hate it.
The only thing/person that truly comforts me is my hands.
When I was fucking crying at night.
That pair of hands knew what to do.
That pair of hands will gently stoke my head.
As if it knew me.

But then again,
that fucking pair of hands is also brutal.
Its for slaps, pinches and bruises if I can't get it done well.

Talking about that,
I felt so pissed today.
About FNN.
I got an A1 for my theory paper.
But I got fucking B4 for total.
I'm like the FIRST B4 in my class.
That's not good.
Because everyone else got >A2

I.GOT.A.FUCKING.B4

A1 to B4.
Your coursework is marvelous!
Awesomeshit man.

My friends.
They can't understand me.
I feel that they are very immature.
They will sneer, snigger and look down at you.
Its always like "Jolene ah jolene! Confirmed get A1 one right!!!"
I got a fucking F9 and they say "Nevermind lah I also will fail"
Paper comes back, A1.

to the fucking hell with you.

What's the use of humility when you fucking hurt someone!?
I'm being very negative.
Very.

I need to tone down.
No more laughters.
Bury head in books.
Probably, body too.

I need to fucking get good results.
I need to be fucking isolated. (Not that I am not, now)
I need to fucking keep quiet.
I need to fucking stop dandling my time all day round.
Of all, stop spending time with fucking delinquents that will do nothing but harm.

Fuck. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/fatameba/entry-10544204986.html Tue, 25 May 2010 03:12:17 +0900 Being pushed around, slapped, things and such.
Ever since young.
Remember vividly that during primary six.
I was out with my clinque at a playground.

They do not allow me to leave,
and snatched away my textbook.
I cried as a result.
They still refused.

They wanted to negotiate terms.
And asked me to balance myself in this long, wooden log without laughing from themtickling me.

It was torturous.

I had absolutely no idea why their target is me.
I am no fucking pushover.

Being back in Secodary School,
My friends did the exact same thing.
I've succumb to bullying.

Everyone I knew had capitulated to their bullying.
They thought that I was "gung-ho" and such.
But I am not totally devoid of feelings.
Taking my bag, taking my handphone, snatching my wallet..

Lots and lots of things.
Let's take yesterday for example,
I sat in the middle of the parade square.
JUST LIKE HER.

They smacked me with the frisbee.
And attempted several times for the flying frisbee to hit my head.
(Oh man I just choked on a noodle and it feels like its coming out of my nose!)
When all failed,
She took the frisbee and just smacked it hard of my head.

I have my pride.
I have my dignity.
I am not devoid of feelings.
Know where you stand. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/fatameba/entry-10539673791.html Thu, 20 May 2010 08:03:13 +0900 Its a "He".

We talked about everything under the sun.
But it was just afew days ago.
THIS PHOTO.

I went to chill out at a friend's house.
I wore a white shirt.
A picture was uploaded.

My shirt was figure hugging.
My boobs therefore looked big.

He commented on it.
He claimed that I wore a "Pierre Cardin Bra with padding and push up"
I'm fuming mad already when I see that he posted what kind of bra I'm wearing.
Much less to say with whatever the fuck padding and push up.

HELLO. DO I LOOK LIKE A PROMISCUOUS WOMAN TO YOU?!
I hate you.
He maligned me.
He cooked up false accusations against me.

What's worst.
He posted the comment on a photo that was in an active chat.
The chat contains of quite a few close friends as well as a new friend.

I DO CARE ABOUT MY IMAGE VERY MUCH.
Especially how I portray myself in front of someone new.
Even if its not a hunk,
I will still do my best to create the best impression.
Its.. in me.

BUT YOU

YOU JUST STEPPED AND TRAMPLED ON MY REPUTATION.
I HATE YOU. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/fatameba/entry-10532247813.html Tue, 11 May 2010 21:06:45 +0900 Just bring me back to the point.

I'm sick for like 2 weeks already.
Really, really sick.
Sick as in fever, flu, cough and phelgm.
Very, very severe case of flu.
I can't stop sneezing and coughing.

I even had to wear a mask to school when my friends are afraid of my incessant coughing and sneezing. Am very, very sick.

Told my mother.
I wanted to see the doctor, as I was having my prelim one the very next day.
She went on to work.

I was alone.
A.l.o.n.e
I wanted to go to polyclinic, or at least go to the clinic opposite.
She left.
She didn't even ask me.
I was on the verge of blacking out in school that day.
It was insufferable.

Now, she's asking him if he want to see the doctor.
She wants to accompany him to the doctor.
Like, immediately after he said that he's unwell.

I...
shan't be so bothered about it.
That's what protectionism is about.
Isolation, protectionism.
Isolate yourself away.
Its for your very best benefit.
You won't stand to lose.

What others do will not bother you.
Those stigmas..
Just.. have to live with it.
Its a stigma, like you said.
Can't really be erased easily.

Sometimes, I feel like my friends do understand me better.
I hate home now.
I love my room.
But I hate how they scavenge through my things.

I can never forget how she maligned me.
She claimed that I took his things away,
and ransacked my entire room.
She poured everything out.
Scrutinized everything.
At last,
the truth is out.
It was with my father.

I was very, very disappointed with her.
I resent her.
I resent how she maligned me.
HOW HURT DO YOU THINK I WAS AT THAT POINT OF TIME?!

At times.. you know..
I.. seek refuge from such deep hatred and anger by doing some things to myself.
Its like emo-cutting.
But I believe I still can differentiate playing with life and death.
I slapped, pinched and bang my head against the wall.
Its so creepy that sometimes I creep myself out while doing these.
Its like..

I hate myself so much.
So much for being Jolene Lee.
What if I didn't _______ or ______
Will I be a happier person?
I thought of a lot of "What Ifs" I didn't do certain things.
But where in the world can I find so much "What Ifs"?

Hence, the only way for be to seek tranquility from this outranged mess of deep, unadulterated hatred is through self abuse.
It is no longer an option.
If I don't, it is a matter of time if I ever contemplates suicide. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/fatameba/entry-10531385571.html Mon, 10 May 2010 21:31:09 +0900