https://ameblo.jp/flyyyyyy/ Trying to simplify into Philosophy, turn a star into galaxymake a little noise into a symphonyYOLO SON. Maybe??? Not really.. ja
Dirty South, Alesso - City Of Dreams ft. Ruben Haze

drivers road test in 3 days.
went through all the transferring process for next semester. BARUCH LEGGO!
got to know my co-workers more.
work reminds me of camp.
met some pretty chill people.
met some shocking people as well.
got to hang out w/ friends from jr. high!
hang out w/ IC tomorrow!
no fire works on 7/4 :(
birthday passed! officially 21!
sucessful skating sessions.began to pick up my shit again.
learned to late pop shuv, and varials
Lately ive been feeling kinda empty. --> personal problems back home?


Work being in wall street, i see business men everyday. it really does make me feel motivated to get back t school. opened my eyes to a whole new level. i guess ive never really understood the concept until now. and i guess im still a kid. the peter pan complex. yet, inside i know i need to let go of these things, because its dragging me down.
I work night shifts, but last week i had to work in the afternoon for the first time. there, for the first time, ive met someone different. its as if you want to reach out to him/her and help that person out. but you cant. the thing is, this girl.. shes one of the most beautiful girl ive ever met. the only thing is that she seems to have a eating disorder.. or something. she looks really anorexic. she literally looks all bones, face down. the worst part is, i didnt have the guts to talk to her, because im too embarrassed to speak in japanese. but these are the moments when i regret doing nothing. even a small conversation would of sufficed! the other workers were all talking to each other, and shes the only one doing last minute work. when we were all eating, she was the only one who didnt join us and took her things and left. she hasnt spoken one word to anyone when i was there. i want to help her :(. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/flyyyyyy/entry-11567553277.html Sat, 06 Jul 2013 16:32:26 +0900
*Its pouring outside and im walking along the streets with an umbrella (barely big enough to fit me). there is slight/heavy(?) wind so the rain is pouring at an angle. This is what im thinking*

'I should hold my umbrella at an angle so I wont get wet at all.'

'wait but if i do that, theres a chance that my umbrella might get turned inside out'

'and if that happens I might get totally wet and ruin my clothes for work'

'So YOLO it or just keep it straight and get somewhat a little wet but wont risk getting soaked and your umbrella going rambo?'

'hmmmm'

'damn this is like a metaphor to life. you either suffer a bit now and later guaranteed to get what you want in the future OR you can risk something now but your future isnt guaranteed.'

'wait thats kinda confusing. so what do I suffer from? school work?'

'maybe managing time. work hard or play hard i guess.'

'maybe rain is metaphor for obstacles and umbrella is guidance. Its telling you that you can either tackle these obstacles and get hit along the way, or you can try and take the easy way out, i guess by pussying out, but you may pay the price later'

'so its i guess its like you either risk it all or you play safe.'

'wait WHAT? so risking is the easy way out? oh actually that makes sense. if we scale down to like grades, if you dont do any hw youre taking the easy way out but youre also risking the chances of not getting a good grade in the end. but if you study youre suffering but youre also certain you'll do well. oh right right, this is common knowledge.'

'it can also do something about realization? you dont realize it until it actually happens to you. kinda like my problem. I only think about the present and not what will happen in the future so naturally ill probably pick the risky option. id probably want it easy because i dont think about the consequences that comes with it. So im the type that would pick the risky option. because YOLO right???'

'so risk getting soaked'

'but know youre fully safe from the rain at this very moment. sounds good.'

'its only 5 minutes away anyways.'


lol thought this was kinda funny and post worthy.






]]> https://ameblo.jp/flyyyyyy/entry-11550856674.html Wed, 12 Jun 2013 21:32:01 +0900 Perish but adapt.
Suffer but understand.
I wanted a simple life. Try to make life better by thinking positively. I tried to be optimistic telling myself "dont worry, you'll be fine. something good will happen." But the thing is, im not that strong and i cant pretend that I am. moreover, NOTHING ever good happens. ever. I tell myself "Its okay, just be nice to people; dont expect much from others. But there are times when I feel that there are no one I can really go to when I NEED help. When I need help, will they be there for me? And after I thought about all of this, I came to other conclusions.

This semester has been amazing but also every stressful. Ive learned a lot about myself from others, and hopefully in return Ive helped others as well. One thing, however, is that Ive learned to stop playing the game. I think ive mentioned this before, but there are some other things i should mention that i quickly picked up afterwards. Yes its true that i should do whats best even if it means 'losing'. But then another question come into play. How FAR should I lose so that they can win? MEANING: How harsh do I have to be to myself and accept defeat to let them have it their way? Will there be times when they will step up and become the bigger person? Of course this 'game' is just a metaphor to our everyday lives. Many perceives this as decisions and commitment. I found out that i always had to be the bigger person and give up some part of me. Whether it was to leave my comfort zone, or losing someone special, i always end up ultimately getting hurt.

Towards the end of the semester, probably mid April, everything had been turned upside down for me. People I thought i were close with, were soon disappearing. People who I thought i really liked, soon started to disappear as well. But most importantly, people who I thought I can trust the most shut me down, when I needed them the most. In the end, I had to talk to myself that everything was alright and i can overcome it. But I knew it wasnt. From friends who didnt reach out for a simple request to friends who couldnt keep a promise. The thing is, the problem wasnt the how the situation was handled, but the idea behind it. Even through something small such as a place to stay or a promise that shouldnt have been broken, inside I felt like I wasnt even worth it. When i said it was going to be alright, i knew it wasnt. Nothing was going to be alright, because I had to deal with it alone.

Even though Ive learned to not rely on people and to not trust many, its also made me become a better person. Even though I wanted to try and do everything on my own from then on and to keep everything to myself, I know I cant. I fact, I dont want to. Ive realized its only going to make it worse. (just like in HS and its something id wish i wouldnt have to repeat.) I need people around me and im glad that there are people who actually DO care about me and understand me. Im also glad that because of people like them, im able to stay strong, even though they are the same people who shut me down in the first place.

I wish, however, that sometimes i didnt have to be the bigger person. Id wish that sometimes they would come first or do whats best even if it means losing. Id wish that sometimes someone will say "Hello again and thanks". That would really brighten my day. Id wish there are people who will throw away their pride just to do whats best for everyone, and not for themselves. But thats where the problem starts. People are just innately selfish to begin with. People prioritize themselves over others, and thats expected from people. But is there a true limit until it becomes a problem? train of thought.

Ive actually tried to vaguely categorize this whole thing during during my free time lol. So naturally people think about themselves first: thinks what is best for them and outweighs the pros and cons for any choice they make, because naturally if nothing (good) comes out of it for them = they wont do it. Lets ignore factors like feelings of sympathy and guilt, or anything that may influence their behavior/decisions( personal). Long story short there are 2 types. One are the non risk takers: people who'd rather stay in their comfort zone and do whats best for them - at a distance. If they are risking anything, they wont do it and rather suffer the consequences and shit. examples are people like.. ermmm, i suppose stereotypical college students. Theyd rather take the safer option and try to avoid anything dangerous at all cost. Then finally there are the risk takers. Ultimately they also think whats best for them, but with a different mentality. They would rather risk everything to get to where they want to become, even if it means losing everything. Ideally, they leave the comfort zone and push themselves out. Examples are people like celebrities and athletes, or people with a creative nature - willing to experience new things. But if we factor other substitutes like feelings, then the category expands even greater. But this is how its probably generalized, in my opinion.


]]> https://ameblo.jp/flyyyyyy/entry-11543295182.html Sun, 02 Jun 2013 18:34:18 +0900 アメンバー限定公開記事です。 https://ameblo.jp/flyyyyyy/amemberentry-11538157515.html Sun, 26 May 2013 07:16:21 +0900
im done. i wont ask anything for anyone anymore. its too much for me to handle. id rather just do everything on my own, and suffer on my own. that way i know for sure i wont have to deal with any of this again. ill only hurt myself and thats fine, because i wont have to associate myself with others. Ive learned that getting people involved makes everything just far worse. Starting now, im gonna forget about everyone: high school friends, all of my college friends, and etc. I will keep everything to myself; it was a mistake to even open up to begin with. It was a mistake to trust people. It was a mistake to even have come to binghamton, a mistake to introducing myself to Emily, a mistake to tell Karoline everything, and finally a mistake to try to change myself for the better.

I wont ask anymore. I will do everything on my own. I wont even ask for company. I wont ask for assistance; I wont ask for help. I will do me. IamMe.

Fuck people.


To do list:
apology to tatsuki for everything ive done in the past (highschool)
make a video

]]> https://ameblo.jp/flyyyyyy/entry-11533076165.html Sat, 18 May 2013 13:33:27 +0900 goodbye, old friend.
goodbye, good night.

all i ask is for a normal life. but thats too much to ask for. im not normal to begin with. -____- yabaiidesuyoo.

i think the situation was the break through i was truly looking for.
I finally learned my lesson and I regret doing it. but at the same time, if it never happened then I wouldnt be where I am now. I just want to start clean. and this time i truly mean it. fuck man, im scarred for life ever since then.
Im afraid of the real world; i was honestly buggin out when I got caught doing it (esp when the cops barged into my room) and along all of that, i lost someone really important to me - a girl with a purpose. she was emotionally hurt - scarring her for life. she never deserved this. i never thought they were that strong and had a devastating side effect. although you will never read this: sincere apologizes to you and hope for the best in the future. im not asking for you to be my friend again, but please understand that i never meant for any of that to happen and it was truly just bad luck. all I ask is for forgiveness. feel better.

aaaandd those are the consequences. everything happens for a reason, so i suppose that happened for a reason too. hit in the head. all of that experience made me understand that the outside world is truly nothing to mock about. from now on, all i want is an optimistic view on life. and thats it! i want to be genuinely nice, just like rebecca or yosuke. i just want be simple. i envy those who have nothing to worry about except school work and relationship problems. stay clam and carry on

I WANT TO START FRESH YOOO!
somebody teach me how~ :(

soo stressful, now i have more shit to worry about besides finals and etc.
(inconsiderate)


]]> https://ameblo.jp/flyyyyyy/entry-11526200170.html Wed, 08 May 2013 00:22:55 +0900
if ya'll got that app, add me!

my name is yoshimasa dan.

texting is soo overrated :P ]]> https://ameblo.jp/flyyyyyy/entry-11513720908.html Thu, 18 Apr 2013 14:39:23 +0900
"the moment you give up is the moment you let someone else win."

i used to believe this 100% back when i was completely blinded from my full sense of pridefulness and stubbornness. but actually this aint true, because in the end, youre basically lucking yourself out by losing all the ones you love and close to you by always trying to win. sometimes, (perhaps many times), its best to let the other person win so you dont jeopardize the relationship you have with them.
you should always keep a balance and figure out which is more important. its never a good thing to lose something you may never get back.

its something ive learned the hard way too. but what can you do? everyone makes mistakes. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/flyyyyyy/entry-11511853167.html Mon, 15 Apr 2013 14:43:39 +0900 BUT I NEED TO STUDY. I JUST CANT. THATS MY MAIN PRIORITY NOW.

But K night made it worse. loud noises and disoriented lights made my headache worse. plus i was extremely tired. i kinda regret going.

But celebrated Yings birthday. she cried after we threw her a surprise birthday party and everyone was in awe! happy birthday! thanks for taking care of us :)


]]> https://ameblo.jp/flyyyyyy/entry-11510490503.html Sat, 13 Apr 2013 12:31:31 +0900
more n more exams are pilin up - likewise with assignments and papers.
but that only just gives me more incentive to study and work harder now.

________
So ying and yuwei have finally convinced me to stay IC, or so at least, until this semester ends. As friends i cant leave them, that’s unjust. we have all gone through so much together throughout the year. And after all, they're like family to me :) no lie, all truth. so for one last time, ill stick to it till the end.

Love love love (let you go) - Andy Grammer

________
idk how this ended up happening, but I learned probably one of the most important thing about myself throughout the night while I was at the library. it might be the pills that rebecca gave me, or perhaps the gb that i hosted last night. For all i fucking know it could of just been the little chat with rebecca and Yosuke at the library. who knows.
but i do know one thing now. I actually like to be around japanese people LOL. when i say 'like to be around', I mean like actually hang out with them. tbh i kinda always knew that I wanted to fit in with them, but i was always too scared to approach them because i was seen as the 'Americanized jap' guy. My Japanese is between mediocre to appalling (lol), and its clearly not good enough to hold a conversation with a Japanese international. straight up, im pretty much embarrassed to even talk in japanese in front of them :'(. but thats something i really want to fix in the long run! furthermore, i want to be accepted as a japanese, not just some asian american dude. i should be proud of what i am, but in this current condition, what can i be proud of? nah mean?
some other things: i need to start appreciating myself, before I decide to jump the gun and commit to something retarded, or else ill end up making the same mistakes. Derp, pretty obvious. it takes time. learn from mistakes. think! grow up. set up clear objectives. Appreciate for who you are(this becomes really important later in the blog). and it goes on and on.. But most importantly, understand myself: exactly what all this is about.
other things: im an asshole. unintentionally, but still an asshole. already accepted that. but being an asshole is also the same as being selfish. never thought about this till now. i dont think about what others will feel after i say something. At first, it doesnt come to me that, what i say might offend that person, but as I soon start to realize it, BOOM, its too late. im labeled and categorized. im bein selfish towards other people’s feelings, and that aint good. Furthermore, someone told me im being selfish by only caring about myself, because in the end i dont want to get hurt. i prioritize myself before anyone else, but in my defense, who doesnt think that? im pretty sure everybody does. and actually, i DO care about people. i care about the people who are goin through hard times and needs someone there for comfort. I am that someone. i want to be there for people. and im not saying this so i can get something in return. i seriously dont want recognition. thats why im a listener. but at the same time, like i said, im considered as an 'asshole'. This controversy portrays me as a hypocrite and it may be true. i wont care for people if its something extremely meaningless, and this goes on to my next topic.
i realized im a very contradictable person: more or less very indecisive. i say things that may not make sense to others, or say things that i may not actually mean. its kinda hard to explain, but to put in simple terms, im someone who is always in between. never black or white, just shades of grey. this is what makes me a very complicated person. a good example: like i said earlier, im a listener. this is because i want to help people out that actually needs help. im also a listener because there are times when i just dont feel like talking and want the person to just talk about his/her life. nothing more and nothing less. But at the same time im a talker. I love to talk to people and joke around and stuff. i love the company that people provide and i like meeting new people. i say that i hate to talk about my problems to people and that i keep everything to myself, but on the inside, im dying to talk to someone about it. thats the truth. i just want someone to listen and not say a word; someone who genuinely care. this proves that im a VERY indecisive person. This really sucks because ive met so many people who knows what they want and who they are. They have a strong and firm belief on what they think is right and wrong. I dont. im that guy that people call wishy-washy. I want different things when I know I cant have all. I want to be care free but I also want to care about things that are important to me. I want to be spontaneous and improvise random shit but I also like to plan things so I have a vague idea on what to except. I try to ‘think’ that I have a ‘not to give a fuck’ mentality, but I feel like I really do care about so many things. I tell myself that I don’t care what other people think of me, but truthfully I really do.
As much as I hate to say this,
****I have this imaginary, absurd and ‘ideal’ image of what I want to ‘TRY’ and become, and it’s sad because that image is probably someone who I think I AM right NOW****
THAT’S WHY I AM STILL A CHILD. I AM IMMATURE. I HAVE THIS FAKE PROJECTION OF MYSELF; I AM TRYING TO BECOME SOMEONE I AM NOT. THIS IS FACT. WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS ALREADY FACING THIS FACT AND ACCEPTING WHO THEY ARE, IM STILL IN THIS PERIOD WHERE I STILL WEAR A FUCKING MASK JUST TO LOOK LIKE I AM ABOVE EVERYONE ELSE. Reality check - I am not. Somehow, however, I still cannot grasp that idea, although im admitting this now.
Someone told me, “youre fighting against yourself. There are 2 sides (personalities) of you; one fighting for morality, and well… the other one fighting for egocentricity and spuriousness. Basically, youre fighting with who you really are and who you think you are. Youre stuck in between, but youre struggling to get out of that egocentric side because youre scared of the real shit. Youre scared to face the truth. Inside youre actually terrified to mature and to accept the fact that youre not the guy that you always wanted to be. And you already know all of this from the beginning - youre just not committing from the start. There’s a turning point where everyone goes through: that turning point is when people start to gain maturity, and I feel like right now, youre starting to go through that stage. First step is realization and admitting the problem.” This was something I told myself. However, before all of this, someone started all of this by saying that I was, in fact, “fighting against myself”, and look where I ended up.
What I want the most in the end is not to be rich or famous, or to have a beautiful wife, or even have a decent job, but instead, just to be happy WITH whom I am. I want to appreciate everything about me and fully understand what im capable of, as well as finding my own limits. Not some made up bullshit thinking that “oh yes, that’s who I shall become because I said so. I want people to see me like that” . After I can achieve all of that, then, I can safely move on and say that I would like to find someone special and find a good job.
IN THE END, ALTHOUGH SOME OF MY PROBLEMS *MAY* HAVE TO DO WITH MY PRIDE, THE MAIN PROBLEM WAS THE WHOLE IDEA OF EXPECTATIONS! IVE BEEN EXPECTING SO MUCH OF MYSELF! EXPECTATION VS REALITY. SO WHY HAVE I BEEN PRETTY DEPRESSED THROUGHOUT THE YEARS IN HIGHSCHOOL AND UP UNTIL NOW? BECAUSE I WAS HOPING FOR SOMETHING I THOUGHT I WOULD GAIN, EXPECTED THAT SOMEDAY I WOULD GET IT, AND LIVE AN AWESOME LIFE. BUT THOSE EXPECTATIONS WERE TOO HIGH FOR MY STANDARDS, AND I SUPPOSE MY PRIDE/STUBBORNESS DID NOT LET ME OVERSEE THAT. THROUGHOUT THESE YEARS, I WAS IN DENIAL. IT WASN’T ANYONES FAULT; IT WASN’T PADRAIGS, OR DADS OR ANYONE ELSE… BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, I WAS THE ONE TO BLAME. I FUCKED MYSELF UP BUT I BLAMED IT ON OTHER PEOPLE. AND THE SAD PART? I PROBABLY ALREADY KNEW IT FROM THE BEGINNING THAT IT WAS MY FAULT! YET I REJECTED AND PUSHED AWAY SOO MANY PEOPLE THAT CARED ABOUT ME. I HATED BEING WRONG. I WAS A LOSER. AND NOW I ADMIT EVERYTHING. So what am I truly?
I am:
-Stubborn
-Selfish
-In denial
-Unconfident

And I need to seriously take all of this in. that’s something I have to face and start realizing. Like I said..

Expectations vs reality.
Fighting for who I think I am and who I really am.

But.. it sucks, because no matter how much I admit all of this, idk how long I actually start to finally commit. And this is fact… maybe
]]> https://ameblo.jp/flyyyyyy/entry-11510486986.html Sat, 13 Apr 2013 12:27:29 +0900