My wife and I need to exercise more. Every time we leave the house we notice vultures circling overhead in anticipation and now our washing machine is doing that nasty thing where it shrinks our clothes. So, in a moment of pure inspiration and absolutely no intelligent thought whatsoever, we decide to take top slot88 up mountain biking. We could remember biking as kids and there was nothing to it. We set out to purchase our bikes with the fond memory of a cool breeze gently blowing in our faces.

One of the first things we notice is that the seats are too small. Apparently they are now making the seats smaller than in our youth. The clerk smiles knowingly and smugly suggests that for the more mature biking enthusiasts they can attach foam padding. There is, of course, an extra charge. My wife chooses the extra padding and is currently riding around on what looks like a bucket seat from a 1967 Buick. I, on the other hand, have decided to save the additional expense and go without the padding. My proctologist has assured me that the tingling in my left buttock should eventually fade away.

Early Saturday morning we prepare for our first cycling adventure. We decide to leave early to insure we’ll be back before dark. My wife is to travel in front and carry a fanny pack with suntan lotion, a first aid kit and our medical insurance cards. Her job is to set the pace. My job is to follow behind and criticize. I’ll be carrying a backpack filled with: peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (for subsistence), energy bars (for endurance), 2 jugs of Gatorade (to replenish our bodily fluids), rain gear (in case of inclement weather), a map and compass (in case we get lost), a flashlight (in case we’re lost at night), and signal flares (to assist the search party).

We go over the route one final time. I spread the map out on the kitchen table, pointer in hand. “This is the route we’ll be taking, so pay close attention. If you have any questions, now is the time to ask.”

I carefully review the emergency procedures. “If separated, we will rendezvous either here, at check-point Charlie, or here, at check-point Romeo.”

“We’ve been over this four times already,” my wife complains, obviously taking the whole adventure much too lightly and showing no respect for my superior training and experience. After all, I was the one who spent nearly two full years in the Cub Scouts, not her. Fortunately, I understand the seriousness of the task ahead and have taken the necessary precautions.

We’re finally ready to put our weeks of training and preparations to use. It’s time to venture forth and boldly go where no sane middle-aged man or woman has gone before — it’s time to leave our driveway.

I brief the kids. “Now remember, while we’re gone I want one of you to remain by the phone at all times in case we need to call for assistance.”

“But you’re only going around the block,” the kids complain. “The house will be in sight the entire time.”

Ah, the innocence of youth. They oversimplify everything.

One way to confirm that cyberspace is the great equalizer is to observe the quality of editing that exists …

I am truly amazed at the mangling endured by the English language on a significant number of sites. It’s fair to assume that this malady has its roots in short attention spans during the school years. As a result, accuracy is often the first victim of poor spelling and grammar.

Still, if we’re going to cite examples of this averral, let’s do it with a touch of humor. Here are some responses by younger students from a secular school when asked to expound on various teachings of the Bible. Their words are unedited:

“In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.”

“Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.”

“Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.”

“Noah built an ark, which the animals come https://metronomepress.com/ on to in pears.”

“Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.”

“The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unwympathetic Genitals.”

“Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.”

“Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.”

“Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.”

“The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.”

“The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.”

“The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.”

“Moses died before he ever reached Canada.”

“Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.”

“The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.”

“David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Bibical times.”

“Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.”

“When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.”

“St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.”

“Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.”

“He also explained, ‘a man doth not live by sweat alone.'”

“It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.”

“The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.”

“The epistles were the wives of the apostles.”

“One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.”

“St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.”

Now, while we pause for a moment to wonder which of these authors will be filling our prescriptions and writing our wills when they reach adulthood, let’s also consider that some of them could have a great future in punditry. Here’s a likely candidate:

“A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.”

Ba-da-boom … or however a rimshot is spelled.