Have you ever been trapped in codependent relationships?

Why can’t you get away from these relationships?

There are

1       - 5 characteristics of codependence in you

2       - Phase of codependence

3       - Distorted view of codependence.

4       - 4 types of codependences in relationships.

4 – 1. domination (submission or obedience)

4 – 2. exploitation (advantage and disadvantage).

4 – 2 – 1. Emotional Blackmail

4 – 3. narcissism (belonging).

4 – 4. runaway (distance).

5       - How can you get away from these people?

1.      5 characteristics of codependence in you.

1 – strong desire that you want your partners to need you.  

2 – strong desire that you help you partners

3 – strong desire that you are obsessed with your partners (they do not want to leave them alone).

4 – tendency that you sacrifice yourself for you partners.

5 – distorted perception that you interpret your partners’ negative behaviors positively.  

2.      Phase of codependence

1 - In honeymoon phase, you love your partners more than anything.

2 - When you find your partners and start to date your partners, you feel saved instead of happy.  

3 - You want your partners to need you more. You start to feel unsatisfied by their insufficient responses to you, especially if their relationship pattern is avoidance.

4 - You start to cut off other relationships and your friends.

5 - You start to have distorted view. For example, you are a female and your partner is a male. If you see your partner talking to another girl, she is trying to take him!! You believe you will kill him!

6 -  After a while, somehow break-up happens because your partners cannot handle you anymore due to your unrealistic demand on them. You impose your feeling on them, saying “I love you this much. Why don’t you love me back?”

7 – after the break-up, you will find another partner and continue having the same pattern.

3.      Distorted view of codependence.

1 – Since you subconsciously believe that your romantic relationships do not last long, you tend to date with partners who depend on you and who cannot live without your financial support. When your partners are becoming successful in their career, you thwart their plan to be successful because you believe that they will damp you and then they find someone else. You may tell them “you shouldn’t take this job offer. It’s not good for you.” Or “ this promotion is not good for you because it will stress you out.”

2 – You believe that you should not become happy in relationships. You cannot bear with happiness. You believe that happiness goes away. After you find partners and you feel happy, you run away from the happiness with your partners. When you are about to get married with your partners, you may run away from them right before the wedding ceremony.

4.      4 types of codependences in relationships.

4 – 1. domination (submission or obedience)

4 – 2. exploitation (advantage and disadvantage).

4 – 3. narcissism (belonging).

4 – 4. runaway (distance).

4 - 1. Domination.

You will become subject to dominators in relationships.

Dominators tend to control you, threaten to you, order you, become violent to you, check your emails, believe they are always right, ruin your pride, discourage you to begin something new or curious, and to force you to ask for permission with them when you hang out with your friends. If you follow the ways they control you, they are gentle with and nice to you. However, when you don’t, they snap at you and get angry at you suddenly. If you are a female, and your father is a dominator as you see here, you tend to be trapped by a dominator in romantic relationships.

4 – 2. Exploitation.

Exploiters treat you in relationships based on advantage and disadvantage (gain and loss)

Exploiters are takers. They make you feel guilt and take you money or ability from them.  They become extremely gentle with you when they want to have sex with you or money from you. They are not gentle with you usually unless they want something from you. They continue begging you as if they were cats until they get what they want. You feel trapped to stick to them due to their random gentle behaviors to you as you see jackpot in gamble. They act like children and depend financially on you. They threaten psychologically to you which is called an emotional blackmail.

4 – 2 – 1. Emotional Blackmail

Emotional Blackmail is a threat to manipulate you emotionally. For example, you may know your partners’ exploitative patterns. When they ask for money with you, you tell them “You are going to spend money on gambling or alcohol. Then, they respond to you “You don’t want to give me any money?  You love me, don’t you? Are you telling me it’s ok to die if I have no money to buy food?   

However, if you are codependent, you believe they need me and they rely on me.

4 – 3. Narcissism.

Narcists treat you as belonging.

Narcists love themselves. They are very self-centered and act childishly. They talk a lot about themselves. They believe they are great even without having any money or skills. Even though they don’t have money or skills, they believe they are great.

They act extremely, being very cold to you but being very nice to you. They don’t feel anything when they hurt you emotionally or when others feel hurt. On the contrary, they tend to be hurt emotionally and isolate themselves when they feel when they feel hurt or embarrassed.

They push their ideal on others. Why don’t you follow my ideal? When others are doing something that they dislike, they feel very disturbed. They tell you your new clothes don’t suit you.

4 – 4. Runaway.

People who tend to have run-away from in relationships, they keep emotional distance from you.

They don’t like to make full commitment for relationships. They want to be free from relational restriction. Their relationships don’t last long (3 months). When you request something to them, they tell you back “you are too needy. You are selfish.” They don’t like anything to get relationships deeper. They avoid talking deeply about themselves and they are very secretive. They change topics to avoid talking about them at a deeper level when you are sharing a serious topic with them. They may break up with you suddenly when you feel closer to them in the relationship.

5.      How can you get away from these people?

1 – be aware of being trapped in any of these patterns.

2 – reflect on reasons that you tend to be trapped in these patterns.

3 – reflect on whether you need to change, or they need change? You need to change yourself because you cannot them.

4 – ask yourself if you want to continue painful romantic relationships or if you want to feel happy in relationships?

If you want to feel happy in relationships, you may want to take actions to change yourself

5 – before you date with new partners, set your own rules. For example, if your partners cheat on me twice, you break up.  

6 – no sympathy on your partners who meet one of these types if you decide to move on from them.

 Have you ever thought “why do I often screw up in romantic relationships? “ and “Why do I date with a similar type of partners?”” “Why do I depend on my partner?” “Why can’t I get away from relationships?

Here, you may find answers for these questions.

 I am going to share here

1 – Love Addiction test (24 questions)

2 - 4 types of 4 types of dependence in romantic relationships.

3 – Phases of romantic relationships. How PEA (Phenylethylamine) affects relationships.

4 - 3 patterns after the honeymoon.

5 – Unrealistic illusion

6 - Why do you tend to find bad partners?

7 - Steps to move forward

24 questions to find out if you have tendency of love addiction

1 – You believe you cannot do anything without your partner.

2 – You have even thought that you cannot live without your partner.

3 – You have dated with others who you don’t love due to loneliness.

4 – You have even thought that you can change your partner.

5 – Many of your friends told you to break up with your partner. However, you cannot do it.

6 – You have threatened someone you love or have done something extreme if your partner does not love you.

7 – You have avoided talking about your partner with your friends after they told you that your partner does not look good looking.

8 – You only feel loved when you are having sex.

9 – You feel attracted to your partners when you are chasing them. However, you don’t feel attracted to chase your partners.

10 – You tend to fall in love with partners very easily. However, you lose interest in them easily as well.   

11 – You feel worthless if nobody loves you.

12 - You have had fights over whether to break up or not for longer than 3 months.

13 – You make a full commitment to your partners. However, you feel they don’t love you enough.

14 – You believe that you will find an ideal partner who will make your life fantastic.

15 – When you fall in love with your partners, you prioritize romantic relationships.

16 – Everything will go well in romantic relationships if you put up with all the trouble in them.

17 – As romantic relationships become deeper and you love your partners even more, your resentment increases as well.

18 – After you fight against your partners, you tend to have sex to make up for the relationships.

19 – You feel worthy when others need you.

20 – After having sex with your partners, you feel guilty.

21 – You believe you have a lot of shortcomings; you can forget about it when you are with your partners.

22 – After you finish having sex, you feel disturbed being with your partners.

23 – Your relationships have never lasted longer than 3 months.

24 – You have thought “Why do I always struggle in relationships?”  

How many of them apply to you?

-        If you get 0 to 2 items, you are healthy

-        If you get 3 to 4, you are moderately codependent.

-        If you get more than 5, you are very codependent.  

Types of dependence in romantic relationships.

There are 4 types of 4 types of dependence in romantic relationships.

1 - Codependence – tendency to depend extremely on your partner.

2 –Avoidance – tendency to keep distance from partners.

3 – Romance – tendency to wait for ideal partners.

4 – sex addiction – tendency to seek for sex and depend on sex. 

Unfortunately,

Many people tend to have a pattern of 1) codependence or 2) avoidance.  I am focusing more on these 2 patterns here.

When you feel uncomfortable feeling happy in relationship, you leave your partner in relationship. You believe “Oh, nobody loves me,” It is a type of avoidance.

1 - Codependence.

For example, if your partner depends financially on you. You work very hard to earn money and you support your partner financially.

Why do you support your partner financially? Your partner does not earn money at all.

The reason is simple.

If you are codependent, you probably have low self-esteem. You believe that if your partner starts to become financially independent or to improve their life situation, you feel so fearful that your partner may leave you. In this case, your partner needs you to depend financially on you.

2 - Avoidance – if you are avoidant, you may have fear of being abandoned. Sadly, you may leave your partner before you are abandoned.

Interestingly,

Codependent people tend to be in relationship with avoidant people.

If you are codependent, why do you stick to your ex-partner who is avoidant?  Your ex-partner may contact you back after a while he broke up with you. Since you are codependent and feel good to be dependent on, you get trapped into on and off relationship loop. 

People with avoidance still need their partners. However, since they have fear, they look for easy relationships.

3 – Romance – tendency to wait for ideal partners.

They tend to look for ideal partners so that they end up not having any relationships. “I want my partner to learn “$20000 per month, have a tesla, and own several houses.” If you hear that, you may just lose motivation to get this person.  

4 – sex addiction – tendency to seek for sex and depend on sex. 

Psychologically, females tend not to have sex addiction whereas males tend to become sex addiction.

Phases of romantic relationship.

1 – Honeymoon stage

When you start dating your partner, the first phase is called Honeymoon phase. During this period, one of the hormone called PEA that stands for Phenylethylamine which is the second neurotransmitter involved in passionate love. When PEA is produced, you cannot stop loving your partner. You want to see your partner as often as you want.

After the honeymoon phase is over, What happens?

There are 3 patterns after the honeymoon.

1 – break-up. The relationship is over.

2 – You kind of don’t like your partner. But the relationship continues somehow. It's sexless (once a month). You may still continue dating with your partner

3 – Your relationship with your partner moves onto a new phase even after you may have less romantic and sexual desire for your partner. It turns into a type of familial love in which you feel comfortable with your partner and both of you accept each other. You feel you can be yourself. It will develop a long term relationship.  

While PEA is produced, you and your partner love each other with passion. They have a lot of sex. The relationship goes well regardless of any tendencies of codependence.

However,  when PEA runs out, problems in relationships start to happen.

Most of love addiction occur when the relationship is dragging on. They still hang out without attaining any peace in the relationship. However, they don’t want to break up. 

In DV situations, females cannot leave their partners because they believe they feel needed by their partners. These partners are avoidant and tend to cause DV. But they still stick together. It is codependent.

When codependent people are told by others that you should break up, or you should leave your partner, they may say to others that they feel their partners are pitiful even though their partners do DV on them and they believe “nobody but me understands my partner, “Poor him,” and “my partner needs me.”  She wants to believe that he needs me. It is self-satisfaction, self-approval, and distorted perception of self. She believes he needs me.

Women who can work hard tend to become like this.

They cannot stop doing it even though they know something is wrong.

Unrealistic illusion

When DV happens to you, you still believe and expect that he will change, and he will be gentle to me as he did before. It is one of the characteristics of codependence. Independent women who have built their career in 30s tend to have this characteristic. When he verbally abused you, you believe he scolded me for the sake of me.

Women whose partners cheated on them have characteristics of believing that he will love me more after he cheated on her and came back to her.

When he lied to me, you believe that he lied to me because he didn’t want to hurt me . When you didn’t feel loved by him, you believe it’s because he didn’t know how to love me. When he lost his job, you believe that you lost his job because his supervisor didn’t understand his talent?

Pattern of your romantic relationship

1-     What types of partners you tend to love

2-     In what occasion or circumstance do you start to date. How did you start to date

3-     How do you date your partner?

4-     How do you break up ?

If you get dumped often, you get dumped often.

If you love your partner addictively, you love your partner addictively.

There are common patterns in relationships based on the past and present partners.

Recognize your patterns first in order to get out of love addiction.

You can change where you find partners, change occasions,

You tend to be physically close to your partner a lot, you create some distance from your new partner,

If you keep distance from your partner, you try to be physically closer to your new partner.

Do not find a new partner based on the impression of your ex-partner at the very end of the relationship. It will create the same pattern. You may find a new partner based on the final impression of your ex-partner right before the break up with ex.

Do your best to understand your value of romance objectively.

Why do you tend to find bad partners?

Codependent people cannot get married because they date with avoidant people. They repeat the same patterns because they want to feel secure. Their brain knows that they can anticipate patterns of avoidance.

If you try to date with different people. you may feel a bit insecure. But you can build confidence in new relationships.

Childhood abuse contributes to making you date with people who cause DV because you know what to expect in relationships. You start to feel uneasy if you hang out with nicer people.

 Steps to move forward

1 - Do not blame yourself if you fail to get out of love addiction

2 - Realize you have a love addiction is the first step.

3 - Change yourself and take actions to change. If both you and your partner try to change themselves, it is even better.

4 – Enhance your self esteem and gain emotional independence so that you don’t have to rely fully on your partner emotionally. You may need to even work on your childhood trauma.

Other information

Cross addiction – different addiction occurs at the same time.

Workaholic women tend to be hooked by men who have avoidant codependence,

It is dangerous to have love addiction with pain.

* Heartbroken syndrome means breakup increases risk of heart ailment due to break-up. If you find meaning in a relationship even after the break up, it will reduce the risk.

* Estrogen, hormone in female, is produced via romantic relationships which makes your skin better and younger and keeps your body proportion.

Love is like drugs, psychologically speaking.

68 percent of romantic relationships start in summer.

https://kenholisticpsychotherapy.com/

過去は変えられない、未来だけ変えられるという前提でお話しします。

カルマは、魂が前世で学んだこと、行ったことなどから現世で何を学ぶことをもとに人間として生まれてきます。

因果という観点では、現世でおこなったよいこと、悪いことだけでカルマを語ることはできません。

よく、あんなに悪いことをしているのに、お金持ちだったり、運に恵まれたりという方がいますね。

そういう方は、前世のどこかで良いカルマを創り出しているのです。

カルマとは、重力と同じで、法則です。物体を落とせば、地面に落ちるように、あなたの行ってきた行動に基づいてあたなにプラス、マイナスに働きます。誰かが裏でなにか力を加えているわけではないのです。

カルマは2種類あります。

簡単です。良いカルマと悪いカルマです。

たぶん多くの人は悪いカルマを連想しますね。

悪いことをすれば、バチがあたる。　当然です。　悪いカルマを引き起こすのは、悪いことをしたからです。

つまり悪いカルマを引き起こす割合を減らすには、悪いことをしないことです。

例えば、オフィスの道具、ペンなどを持って帰って家で使います。これは、盗みにあたります。小さいものなので、悪いカルマとして帰ってきてもあまりわからないのかもしれません。　

人によっては、同じことが自分に起こるというのは、その悪いカルマの一部かもしれません。　そのことに自分が向き合わなければ同じことがおきます。

では、どうすれば中和したり、改善したりできるのかですが、

よいカルマを産み出すのです。

簡単に言えば、良いことをすればいいのです。もっと言えば、自分が改善したいことと同じことを他の人にしてあげるのです。

例えば、心臓が悪いとしましょう。心臓で困っている人のために、お金を寄付したり、なにかしてあげることです。癌を患っている人が、癌で困っている人にたくさんのお金を寄付したら治ったというリサーチもあります。

お金がほしければ収入のいくらかを自分が改善したい分野にしばらく寄付し続けることです。　理想は、収入の１／１０です。

悪いカルマは、借金と同じです。返すためには、良いことをして借金を返し、積み立てすることです。積み立てていれば、何かあったときに、カルマの積み立てのおかげで、人生が急落することを避けられます。

お金がない人は、行動で人を助けることでもいいと思います。　

カルマの法則を使って、未来をよりよく変えてみましょう。　まずは、行動です。

悪いことが起きるとそういう運命だったんだ、カルマなんだと。

カルマというのは、重力と同じで、因果の法則なのです。見えないけれども単に存在する法則です。

カルマは、生まれてきてから悪いことをしたからそれが自分に返ってくると考えがちです。これも正しいです。

更に正しく言えば、前世で行った自分の魂の行いが現世でも影響を受けているのです。

よく時空系のアニメでは、過去にいったり、未来に行ったり、して過去を変えることで現在、未来を変えるといったことが見られます。最近はいろんな面白い時空系のアニメがありますよね。

過去を変えると、その時間軸とは別の時間軸、パラレルワールドが生まれるという説。

アニメ、シュタインズゲートのように世界線がある場合。

過去を変えると現在そのものに影響を与えるよくあるパターン。

過去を変えると変わらなかった過去と変わった過去の両方の記憶を持ち続けるなど。

現在では、未来にいけることは、可能かもしれないが、過去に行くことはできないとされています。

カルマの話にもどると、現世での行いがこれからのの人生の未来、死んだ後転生する未来に影響を及ぼします。

自分のカルマを変えるには、この続きは次回にお話ししますね。

イラっとするのは、何かイラっとすることを言われただけが原因なのでしょうか？

もちろん話す側の言い方によってカチンとくる場合も多くあります。しかし、イライラ自体は自分の中からでてきているのです。

不安や緊張、ネガティブ思考もそうです。きっかけは外からきているのですが、結局は自分で作り出しているのです。

多くの人は、相手の言い方が悪いで終わってしまいます。でもこれは、自分を見つめ直すきっかけになります。

何が一体原因なのか？　

一つの原因に自分のプライドにあります。自分は悪くない、相手が悪い、自分は正しい、相手が間違っているとつい考えてしまいます。　客観的にみて自分が正しい場合も多々ありまが、自分を変えるためには、自分を成長させるためには、自分が間違っている可能性を考慮に入れておかなくてはなりません。

放課後さいころ倶楽部というアニメ（ボードゲームの紹介とゲームを通して自分たちが成長する内容）をみたのですが、ある女の子が、自分でボードゲームを作成します。最初は、全て自分の才能で作るんだと躍起になります。テレビゲームでも常に試しにゲームをしておかしいところを割り出しますよね。彼女はそれを嫌がります。

ある人の言葉がきっかけで、友達にその作成したゲームをやってもらいます。そこで、起きたのがその友達のそっちょくで好奇心から出た感想と意見だったのです。そこから彼女はプライドを捨てて、意見を取り入れるようになります。

当たり前といえば当たり前なのですが、つい感情的になって相手の意見を聞けないことはよくあります。

自分の成長やなにかを成し遂げることがゴールだと考えれば、相手の態度や自分のプライドを維持することは、ゴールを妨げる要因になってしまいます。

あなたはプライドを捨てることができたら、どんな目的やゴールが達成できるでしょうか？

マインドフルネスセラピーで自分の気づきを高めてみませんか？　

https://peraichi.com/landing_pages/view/h3fx8

でも相手に合わせるから、その合わせる行為をしなくなったら、きっと嫌われてしまうと思ってもしまう。

そんな葛藤があったことはありませんか？　

私も、小さいころお小遣いでお菓子をかって、友達にわけていました。でも友達は、それを当然のように受け取るけど、なにもお返しはありませんでした。そういう条件があったわけです。ある時、それが嫌になってお菓子をわけなくなりました。そうしたらその友達は、そういう人だとは思わなかったって言ってきたのです。でも本当の友達だったら、そんなお菓子の関係がなくても仲良くできるはずですよね。　

本当の友達なら、お菓子をあげた方も、それが変えってこなくてもいいという無条件の友情があるのがいいでしょうし、お菓子を急にもらえなくなった方も、相手が嫌なら嫌でそれを尊重できるはずです。難しいところですね。

フラグタイムという1時間ほどのアニメ映画を見ました。３分間だけ時間を止められる森谷さんという女の子が主人公です。森谷さんは、人と関わるのが苦手で、できるだけ一人でいようとします。逃げたくなると、時間を止めてどこかに行ってしまいます。また、３分間の間は、森谷さん以外はだれも動けません。村上さんというきれいでなんでもできる女子が同じクラスにいます。森谷さんは、あるとき時間をとめて、村上さんのスカートを覗き見するのですが、村上さんだけは、なぜか時間が止まっていなかったので、そこから二人だけの秘密の3分間が始まります。

同性愛のアニメかと最初は、思ったのですが、テーマは本当の自分でした。村上さんは、クラスメートの人格や欲しいものなどをすべて単語帳に書いて保存していたのです。相手の望み通りに行動することが、村上さんだと思っていたのです。森谷さんは、村上さんが見せるさみしそうな顔からそれを問いただします。

最後に、この二人は、お互いが似た者同士で、自分の殻に閉じこもっているのだと自覚します。村上さんも自分と似たもの同士の森谷さんに対する気持ちがあったから時間が止まっても動けていたのだとわかります。

人に合わることは、悪いことではありません。相手に好かれる、嫌われたくないという条件なしの無条件で行えるならです。

相手とのかかわりで、自分自身でいるということは、ものすごく大変なことなのです。自分を出すと、孤独になってしまうからです。

でも本当の人間関係って、本当の自分を出せる人同士が、作り上げるものだと思います。

あなたは、本当の自分がみえていますか？　　相手に嫌われたくなくて無理に自分をつくりだしていませんか？　

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私は、長い間日本を離れてアメリカで生活しています。もう15年経ってしまいました。来年日本の実家に帰る予定です。　

一年に一度、故郷に帰りますが、帰る場所があるというのは、ものすごく大切で、心の支えになっていると実感します。そのせいもあるのか、今回、たまゆらというアニメを見て、ものすごく感動しました。こんなにのんびりとしていて、でも大切なことをうまく表現しているアニメだと思います。

たまゆらは、広島県、竹原市を主に舞台にしており、楓（ふう）という高校生が、そこに帰ってくるところから始まります。楓は、小さいころ彼女の父親と写真をとって楽しく過ごしていたのですが、その父親が亡くなってしまい、写真を撮らなくなってしまいます。神奈川県に引っ越して、そこで親友のちひろちゃんと出合い、中学卒業まで過ごします。あることをきっかけに育った故郷、竹原の高校に行くことを決意します。そこから、父親のカメラでいろんな思い出を写真に残していきます。父親が好きだった場所や、思い出を父親を知る友人達から知り、自分の知らない、父親を思い出を体験していきます。もちろん、その間に、幼馴染との日常のやりとりや、自分で写真部を作ったり、あぐれっしぶなところを見せていきます。　

何気ないところで、ぱっと大きな行動をとれてしまったりしているところを見ると、自分も見習わないとと思ってしまいます。このアニメを見ているうちに、緊張するところも楽しんでしまえそうな気持になってきました。

友達や両親、周りの人が暖かく見守ってくれたり、受け入れてくれたり、ものすごく優しい物語で、なんかほんわか、なつかしい、でも癒されるというか、いい意味で一言では表現できないアニメでした。是非ご覧になってください。

あなたには、おかえりなさいと迎えてくれる故郷はありますか？　　

一回　4000円（30分）

-お試し遠隔ヒーリング(ストレス軽減、感情的身体的症状など）

-お薬の副作用軽減遠隔ヒーリングーお薬を服用されていて、副作用に悩んでいらっしゃる方にお勧めです。
 

-金運アップの遠隔ヒーリングもご用意しています。

また、

意識して分析すると、あなたの探しているものが見つかるかもしれません。

私の場合は、人ががんばって勇気をだして、困難を乗り越えて前に進んでいったり、人と人が助け合ったり、新しく一から始めて何かを作り上げる、ような内容に感動する傾向があるとわかりました。なのでよく泣いてます。

最近は、南鎌倉高校女子自転車部を見ました。

一から部活を作り、チームワークで助け合ったり、新しい世界にみんなでチャンレンジしていく内容です。出合う景色がきれいで、それも壮観でした。私も6時間車を海岸線とかを運転してそれだけでも世界が広く、自分の小ささを感じたことがあります。きっと自転車でサイクリングをしたら、もっと気持ちがいいのでしょうね。それに自転車の事も勉強になりました。人が一生懸命になれるって素敵だと思います。

あなたはなにか一生懸命になれることはありますか？