but already hour has not change much....

For pain...sweating lots...and have lots of pain...

I took sleeping pills 1hours a go.Panick medicine...And baby not moving...

I am very nervous for this...Heart beat more than 120 and heart beats are

weak right now.low blood pressure.

I do not why you said to me suddenly,You will go to business trip...

I thought you made the hotel and If baby has risk for early born...

You said you will cancel business trip.....But you woke up in several minutes 

you said need to go, and i do not want to leave you while ignored.

I reallu

I really thought even that sorry for cancel.

That why i tried to figure out to go there. But Dr said need to make sure,

So when to gynecologist twice....And called mental counceling.

No infection, Why bleeding, That pain might be labor...

the cervical canal atleast 3.5cm more. It is 3 cm...

and labor makes cervical canal shoter....My baby is might be less than 600g...

30-40% risk might be she can not help....I am so sad...to think that...

I was really appreciate and wanted to talk saturday night.

But you were slept....till 12pm and went to bet 11 pm.

Sunday morning you woke up 10 am. And asked me about the tea...

And you said suddenly...You are not appriciate me at all.

I did not understand at all. Saturday or in the Dr or hebamme.

You said we go to Dr together. I was totally believed in you help for the baby.

But You said I need to go. I can not cancel, Because of your atitude is not 

appriciate. I really did not understand what you said...

And I tried talking with you why ??? But you said I decided...

It will not change...You said still sometime can come together...few second later 

you said can not do that....etc...Always too much change.

I was really upset...Because of  I have risk for miscarriage...If i move to the trip...

And stay home also mentaly cause panik by flash back.But better than stress or

noone help....Your mother said I do not care you and baby. no time both of you.

I have to earn money and take care my mother.

I really thought can not rely on your mother....

That why i said go to hotel together.Even there is room...You said...

I will go alone. I has been decided.!! And you left and called me...

And when you arrived at company for take the key for the car.

You said come with dad to take me to your parents home.

or  You can come together...I was waited to home...

After an hour your parents came to home.

You went to parents home a minutes for battery. And left to berlin...

It was very shocked...What you said was totally different again...

Till your parents came to home. I was panic and could not open the key at home.

There your mother came...I had uterus pain...Could not do much...

Still i tried to calm and talk and decided to go your parents home.

But in case i needed to money to stay hotel.

And after i tried to eat ordered food. But puked...And vomited...

I tried to drink water...also 3 times i vomited...could not keep any...

I was talking to your mother openly.... I have asked to your mother 

She said taking sleeping pills. And if you have problem 

You can call amburance. I asked can i ask you help for panic?

She said it is big trouble. I asked to first not stay here.

Go to hotel for not make trouble. She said wait till morning.

But morning have to walking with dog. It must be late....

I really do not know what to do...Your parents said can not help.

I explained what happened before in hospital...But still...

But I found out that she asked to you about my birthday presents.

But your mother said  son never contact back. I was very surprised.

I even did not know your mother wanted to give present to me for birthday.

And you did not contact to your mother too.

We are very difficult communication because of language.

But I understood some. Took sleeping pills...Dr also said so for heart...

But it is not really dangerous for baby...You should talk.

That what Dr said. And while talking you hang up the phone.

And never called me back....No answer to e-mail...

I really did not know what to do....If took medicine...Baby might be danger....

Dr was worried about my feelings...He also said do not understand your hasband...

He said cancel...and I tried to found the way to go to the business trip...

But Dr said it is danger in this situation...Small, labor, might be infection...

Bleeding....There is nothing clear...And Dr was relieved you said go together 

the hospital in Tuesday. But He was surprised about you left....

Even the business trip the hotel...company payed...for me 

He said you must know really have risk to the baby....Why you could leave me alone...

panic syndrom...need mentaly saport....But If he do like that...need to take medicine.

It is also dangerous to baby...Dr was bit angry about it.

What think about the babys life!? Is he real dad? He asked me.

I am sure. There is no any others. I do not have any contact to anyone.

That missed rape also happened janualy and there was no possibility to pregnant...

Even if me and you both trouble...He must care about the baby....

All many Drs or Home page said there is only way to support mental and stay 

in the bed for protect the baby.

Even i can not talk to my own mother...She is in the hospital....

Still need to stay there 2 weeks....And I do not make her worry about this...

She seem to has fever still since 3weeks a go...and still have 38 fever...

If possible i want to she her one time...Her heart also not so well....

I just wonder....I wrote this in the memo...I putted here for where ever 

you can read. Because e-mail will not open from me....I already knew...

Not reading message...It is always sad...But i prayed cross my hand....

You might read e-mail....We can talk about hypno therapy...and PTSD panic therapy.

Your mother said you also very easily get mad. And said you not meant to be.

and mentaly must be trouble. 

I think so too. That is why maybe i care and asked to the therapist.

That is also reason. Therapist said to me...Your patner is not hurt hisself.

You should care yourself. But you said we can Jump out of the bridge.

That is why i tried to talk with you...But you smoked...Even promised 

not do it...I patient without words about a week. But You never apporogized

and kept smoking...and sunday finally you stopped even hide and lie..

Buy the cigarett...I was gave up that avoid you as much as i can...

and stay away from those stress. not talk for the baby....

My heart was totally broken...with your words...and behavior...

But i thought every thing fine with me if i can help this baby....

She is your baby...I do not know what she will think....

What is her existance? You have left her and me....even the risk for 

loose her life...40% risk....I tried to avoid that till atleast 30weeks or 28weeks,,,

But you did not listen at all....also you knew risk down till 10-20%.

even 2 weeks....You said to me FUCK YOU. it is okay to me...

But I wanted to think about the really babys life...

I took several sleeping pills...even it is dangerous...for baby

Better than causing panic then heart attack...It might be baby and me has trouble

in the last...

I really feel i can not communicate anything with you.

You have changed so quickly.That is made me sick and so nervous...

I can not rely on you in any words.

Even if it was sick...

My feelings are broken...But it is for the baby...I can patient for protect.

I do not care about me. I do not need anything...If baby is safe...

Not same to you? 

When the hypnotherapist said to me...

I think not only baby. If you were sick...I want to know how to help.

Even if you hurt me lots. Still want to understand and have solution 

for you and baby...as a family.You might be suffer too.

I do my best. What that i said in therapy.

I know i do not any efforts in your opinion...

And i do not care about you at all...Even it is not really true...

It is very sad...You always said to me never said and think about 

the negative things like you said...It is not true.

I hope you understand...

Nw 5 am i vomitted 3 times per night and 3 times have pain...

I hope you contact me when see the message.ASAP

You seem to ignored me from 22pm.... You said eat and park.

And go to bed...You said when you arrived we can talk.

But you hang up while talking...and complitely ignored....

It is really hurts....I do not know how should i think you care about the baby.

Even if i have suffer...your family also sleep...

your mother said call amburance yourself...It is lots of trouble.

also I do not wake them up...

What can i do? I just patient till morning with this pain...

But medicine also not really work..

Time to time wrote here...after you left

Panic atack and utres pain...Baby not moving at all again...

made me so nervous and flush backs...