I decided to write here after several months. I don't want to be formal or anything here. I just want to directly convey what I have felt for the past months. If you happen to read this, you can go through until the end of this blog. As always, I am talking mostly about my life and what I feel while living in this world. Please give me some words once you finish reading this, just if you can. 

To let you know, I don't normally go to this blog, so you rarely see me write. I just have overflowing emotions right now that I cannot contain. Hmm, let me ask you something? How old are you? What do you feel after that span of years living on this planet/world? Have you figured out your purpose on why you are here? Well, since I won't be able to receive any answer while I'm writing this, I'm gonna share my answer with you. By the way, I don't go straight to the point, you'll be annoyed to know how indirect I am, confusing, and so emotional, that I took and made every single light problem into a ginormous one .err

It's not long since my birthday. I just turned 27 last Saturday, May 4. Hmm too young to be old, too old to be young. I'm gonna be 30 in the next three years. Time passes by so fast, so that day will come right away without me realizing it. That if, I'm still here, holding on to my dear life. I've been living a simple but good life. My family isn't rich so we had to work hard in order to gain income that would sustain our daily needs. Well, maybe my parents work harder than I ever see. How do I put this in words? Hmm, since they are farmers, physical strength is really important, so they are always exhausted from work. All those efforts just to send us to school and to provide something on the table. Why am I talking about this anyway? I guess this is for me to inform you that I gained motivation, inspiration, and strength during my early years due to our background just to strive harder in life and to get a better societal status. But you know what? It's pointless now. All those efforts I exerted to be here feel like nothing at all. I don't feel any of it. Why ? Because I'm already on the verge of giving up on life. Some say life is beautiful and I have to keep on living. To answer the second question I asked above, I feel worthless. I think someone deserves my life better. I don't think I'll be able to live in the next few years. It's only 27 years but why am I this tired in life like I lived for a thousand years already. It feels excruciating day by day. Waking up to stand on my ground, walk through this life, and survive until the end of my breath. Why not end it now? For the third question, I don't exactly know why I am here. I feel lifeless inside. (note: I'm tearing up while writing this part and I am wearing my glasses, I wanna take it off, but I can't see the screen clearly, yah sorry for this segue). Do you know what is running in my head this past few years? Thoughts of dying. I want to die and just give this life to someone who deserves to live. I am so ungrateful, right? I know. Actually, I am a person who goes to church frequently, I am a Catholic Christian. It's ironic (maybe hypocrite too) how I go to church, listen to God's words, and talk to God, but still have these kinds of thoughts. I don't know. I really don't know. Just for you to know, this is not the first time. Even since I was a kid, I feel like a burden to my parents. I feel like am being a bad daughter to them. I had a not-so-good attitude when I was a kid, and I feel like I don't deserve to live in this world. I have an inferiority complex which makes me feel so pathetic. No matter how I try, I can't keep my self-esteem stable. It's always bedrock low. 

Why am I here again? I feel like an addition to the world's problem, and I have to be erased. 

I have a twisted thinking. I am a huge mess. 

I don't deserve this world. I don't deserve to live.

I am sorry to my parents who believe and love in me, and to my siblings who cheer me up, I am sorry.

I am sorry if eventually, I'll just give up along the way. I'm sorry if I can't be a good child, sibling, or friend.

Most of all, I am sorry to the Lord God who gives me this life, but I wasted it. 

Suicide is not acceptable in the church. I am aware of it. That will be my last sin to commit in this world. 

I am sorry. I'm sorry. I am really sorry. 

I wanna either hang myself or overdose myself with my meds so that I won't ever wake up again.

If I commit suicide, the pain I would feel would only last for minutes to hours compared to the burden I will give for years. 

Yes, the pain will be passed to those who were left, and that's why I am sorry. I am really sorry.

Did I live a good life? Part of it, yes. Most of it, it's feels really agonizing. 

Thank you, and I am sorry.

I am broken, and can no longer be repaired. 

Well, on the other side of my brain says this will not be my last message. 

Hope. I need that.

Does hope really exist? 

Maybe it does. 

Part of me wants to hug myself right now. This is not the first time. It's been a long time.

"Keep going," she says. But for how long? 

I wanted to be saved.

Will I be saved?

To me who is writing this right now, please read what you said here. 

『Cheer up! It might be a bad day, not a bad life.』Hello! this is Michi.I wrote a few of my reflections when quarantine started in…ameblo.jp

It's hard to digest those words right now, but you will be okay again soon. 

I love you. You are beautiful and precious. 

Hello, December 2023!

Hello there!

It's been more than two years since my last update. How have you been doing?

Time so flies fast, it's now the last month of 2023, December. A lot of things happened since my last update.

By the way, just to tell you what I'm currently doing right now, at this moment. I am currently revising my thesis and evaluating my research methods. I am not even sure if I am doing things right. I have to mull over this later. For now, my goal is to finish writing this blog entry LMAO ​​. Also, ahhh today (14 Dec 2023) is the birthday of my babyguurl, Kim Jiwoong . He turned 25 this year. Yeah just a random TMI . I wanna write about him too, soon. Hopefully, I can.

Anywaaaay, let me give you a quick glimpse of what happened to me for the past two years. 

As you can see from my blog before this, I have been stressing out due to a pile of Grad School requirements. Now, I am happy to share my progress last and this year with you. It's a mixture of happy and sad moments, but Overall, I guess it's more on the positive side (at least?). It is because I will be talking more about my mental health.

I wonder if I should give you a Gantt chart to show it. Lol

So, here are the updates, just the highlights because I can't even remember every detail...I'm sorry~ 

((BEFORE I CONTINUE, LEMME TELL YOU THAT I'M NOT GOOD AT WRITING IN ENGLISH NOR ELOQUENT IN THIS LANGUAGE. However, let me convey to you the happenings as much as clearly as possible.))

(writing and editing again 16 Dec 2023)

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (after so many years of not knowing what's going on with me)

The feeling of mania and depression, there's no in-between. 

I didn't know that the cycle of ups and downs that I've been feeling ever since is actually a sign of mental illness. 

I used to tell my parents about what I felt (which turned out to be symptoms), yet they always tended to dismiss everything I said. They told me that it was nothing and I was just overthinking. However, things worsened at the end of the year 2021, and continued to suffer so much depression from early 2022 until mid-year. I was crying without knowing the exact reason why. I've been feeling so down and afraid to face people or the crowd. I lost all of my confidence. I just want to hide myself, be isolated, and not engage with anyone. Worst case is me having suicidal thoughts. I've been thinking of taking my life several times. I felt so pathetic. I was so sorry about myself for being helpless. That exact feeling when I no longer had the will to live. Everything seems so dark and cloudy along the way, I can't see which path I'm going to take anymore. After several weeks of having these feelings, I suddenly became optimistic, and hyper. Then, the cycle goes on. I'm afraid that I have hypothyroidism as well. Well, I need tests for this. Anyway...

Looking at where I am right now, compared to before, I feel better. However, I'm still not completely okay. I'll be carrying this burden, this illness for life since this is a lifetime diagnosis, yet I won't let it define my whole life. I can overcome it. Hopefully, it will be hypomania over depression. I want to be more productive and useful in this world. I would like to feel the enthusiasm to live and have a purpose in life. Funny because I used to lecture my friends about being hopeful in life, yet right now, it seems the opposite. I have to imbue those motivational and inspiring words to myself. 

To the future Michelle, I hope you already overcome your anxiety and depression. I hope you are happier than right now. I pray the best for you. You deserve all the care, happiness, love, support, and success in this world. Remember, you are amazing, cute, smart, and talented. Praise yourself for working hard to get where you are now. You've been doing great ever since. You have your family and close friends who love you. Above all, you have the Lord God Who Is always with you wherever and whenever you are. He's your Shepherd. I love you the most! 

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When I conducted part of my thesis at SEAFDEC, it is mostly Igang adventures (at Nueva Valencia, Guimaras). My thesis focused on the parasite (Lepeophtheirus spinifer) that infests the sea-cage cultured snubnose pompano. I did a lot of things during my stay at SEAFDEC. 

Igang Marine Station is really scenic! I truly love the blue waters and the rich fauna and flora within the area. 

I can't really describe everything there so here are some of the pictures. (I think I have to share a lot of pictures but since I'm rushing to finish this blog, I can't. Lol)

It's great to be back after 7 years! 

Below is the image of the Pompano Fish and the parasites I studied. 

After a month at SEAFDEC, I went to the UPLB campus for my lab experiments, particularly in DNA Extraction, and PCR (OPTIMIZATIONS)

It was hello, UPLB after 3 years. I feel like it was my first time again at UPLB. It was hard to adjust initially, but soon I got used to it. I had my mini progress before 2022 ends since I passed my thesis outline and had it approved by the Graduate School. 

You know what? I spent 2 semesters of PCR optimization. That was a whole lot of rides. However, the mitochondrial primers I used still weren't good enough. It identified a whole different species. A whole different Kingdom.

I had my depression phase after receiving the results of DNA sequencing (this was around June to July 2023). I got very frustrated because the results did not go as I expected. It was like two months. I traveled back home to ease the sadness I felt. I became much better after that.

Nevertheless, my biggest achievement this year was when I PASSED my comprehensive examination. It was a month-long review. It was all worth the effort, time, and tears. The questions were a bit challenging, but since I studied, I am still confident to answer the questions asked to me.

I studied most of the time in this corner of the library.

It was the month of May, my birth month. I celebrated my birthday alone. I bought a cake and a Jollibee meal. I was touched when someone approached me and greeted me with "Happy birthday". Lol. It was kind of embarrassing to celebrate at a fast-food restaurant, but then I pulled it off. I was so glad about it. I turned 26, approaching my late 20s. Oh naaaur! HAHAHAHA It's okay, Mich. Getting older is normal. 

This is the birthday cake I bought for myself. hehe

(The fact that I am checking my Instagram account while writing this is because I need to look at the timeline of events of my life.)

I also got my flat and tragus pierced as one of my birthday gifts for myself. 

Fast forward to my second DNA sequencing. It went well...Well, not all huhu. The 18S was okay, I love the peaks!

Here is one example! 

I cannot show you the peaks of 28S, because it is not so good. However, I salvaged the sequences and they are okay now. For mtCOI, it was a sad goodbye! It is no longer included in my study.

Finally, my adviser approved my proposal to her regarding the number of samples to be presented in the molecular ID of my species. I also admitted to my adviser that I was afraid of her. She told me that maybe I just have anxieties. Well, Ma'am, that's true. More than that actually. I was thankful because she is naturally kind despite the fear I felt towards her. Moreover, I am currently doing microscopy work, just for checking and taking pictures of my slides. Histology is hard tho. I don't have any background in it since I did not take any courses related to this. But then, I am trying my best to understand and find the accurate tissue alterations in my samples, given that there are. 

Now, I'm in my thesis writing phase. I'm seeing a good sign here. I pray that I will be able to accomplish my paper successfully. It's difficult for me to muster the courage and motivation to write my paper, but I will do my very best. 

Dear Lord God, Thank You for everything, and from here, I need Your utmost help and guidance. 

Walking on the flower path,

Mich

This online class is really losing my motivation?

You know what? Before I got here, I was really imagining myself being so full of passion in pursuing the field I chose...that's around 2019. And then, 2020 happened. Ghurl!!! It somehow affected me so much!! ! To be honest, it already crossed my intuition that something like that would happen. I don't know exactly how I am able to feel it...but I just can tell it way before the pandemic happened. Well, yo!! I'm a risk-taker and someone who just keeps pushing what I want regardless of the consequences,  so yahhh!! Yizz ghurl!!! am here!!!

The fact that I'm writing this blog while my term paper word tab is waiting for me to finish it! I just can't juice out my brain at the moment. I don't know exactly how to connect the ideas. My mind is not functioning at its best right now. I just wanna jump off the cliff and YOLO!!  but well, I don't wanna die yet. I just wanna end this internal pain I have felt for the past few months...I mean, I've been feeling this for a long time...grrrr!!!

I just hope that I'll be able to finish half of my work today, or else, I'm dead by next week. This is an academically demanding month for me!!! Imagine how many papers we need to pass in one single subject?? Like a special problem, which is basically a research paper, a term paper, exercises, and more...and I am overloaded this sem!!! Another 2 subjects of mine literally have the same weight of requirements. I feel like I'm burned out with all these. I kinda regret taking one minor this sem. I should've listened to my friend when she told me it was too much!

Funny thing that even my dreams are still related to what I'm doing in graduate school. Like I dreamed of arguing with my classmate about how protein folding works and stuff. It's basically my molecular biology class. LMAO!!! That felt weird. Of all things, why protein folding??

My mind is full of proteases, immune gene responses, amino acids, peptide bonds, structures of proteins, and just an entire bulk of lessons I had this sem. ALL MIXED IN MY BRAIN!!! I dunno how to segregate them. So random  ...

I just need to talk with myself right now. I have to tell myself that I should keep going!!! I'm still lagging behind!!! Just like the semi-discontinuous replication process. The leading strand is replicated fast with no interruptions ...while I, as a lagging strand, always need a primer or motivation to continue the process ...

Why did I even pursue the Science field anyway?? when I'm much better on the literature side?? Or nah...just a hunch, a feeling, no basis at all . Everything happens for a reason. And this is me ,  I CHOOSE THIS PATH SO I SHOULD NOT BE ACTING LIKE A BITCH!!!

Well, imma get back to my paperwork now!!! See yaaa in my next story!!

my besties cheering for me...

and....yah...that would be all for now!!!

_________________________________

Walking on the flower path ,

Mich

​

Back in 2017, I was one of the youngest in the office when I started to work (both of us were only 20). Most of my office mates were like 26 and older, in their 30s or 40s, and some were in their 50s. Since I was young, I was too energetic and excited to change the world. But that only lasted for like 3 days, coz I was burned out. All tasks were handed down to us, and that's a sort of tradition. If people older than us cannot handle it, the work is given to us. You cannot complain, you just do the work. I acknowledged the fact that both of us were privileged to work at a very young age, right after we graduated from college. However, it is also a challenge for us to show them that we deserve the position handed to us and the salary we earn. I received a lot of criticisms that were not constructive at all. I' 've been humiliated in front of my co-workers by one of our head officials, not just once but twice. I was trying to hold myself in front of everyone, not to cry and all. I was too excited to go home after that because I wanted to lash out. I feel so devastated and hopeless at that time, I feel like I'm useless. I was crying while walking on the sidewalk around 8PM while talking to my friend about what happened. I told her everything. At that time, I already decided to resign from my work a year later. I thought of improving myself and becoming much more worthy in society. I've experienced a lot of shall I say "traumas". It's my first time to be in that place, to work for the country. Before, I thought I could change the world. But, nah! It's not easy. Actually, after all what happened, I realized that I don't deserve such humiliation, because it should not exist in that kind of workplace. I wasn't the only one who experienced those things. A lot of workers before me happened to be ill-treated as well. The people sitting there were not as committed to their responsibility as they seemed. They are there for money and not for the sake of the people they should serve. They must work for the betterment of their people and the country as a whole. I've seen a lot of injustices inside, data manipulation, and lies spreading like wildfire. It's so chaotic. You cannot go against higher officials even if they're the ones who are wrong, because for them, you are just below their rank, and thus, you have no right to correct them. Well, it's a matter of pride, you know. That's how this system works. 

​

What I imagined when I was still a student was completely different as I started to work and like live like a normal citizen of this country. I was too idealistic. Reality slapped me hard and it woke me up from a dream. I was dreaming of a beautiful normal life, but oh my, the world doesn't work like that. There are always things that do not go with your expectations. And now, it's normal to me. Moreover, as a person who was not born with a silver spoon, life is somehow extra challenging. But then, I enjoy this process. I stumbled several times but I still stood up, walked, and now headed toward my dream. I grew and matured as I continued with my life. I had so many realizations, and I have adjusted from it.

​

Life is beautiful as it is a mixture of all good and bad experiences, as well as happy and sad memories. Also, I think that life is indeed unfair, but that should not be the reason for us to give up. We should continue to strive and become who we want to be. We can be happy in our unique ways.

​

The world is beautiful and perfect, but the humans living in it are not. I think the younger generation should be stronger to face the challenges ahead of them. I hope they will build up a society better than this, and a system that has equity. I think we can give a better future to those unborn children. We are one of their hopes. We can do it. I pray also that we can all overcome our demons hiding inside us, and that we can see a light amid the darkness. Fighting!

Today marks the last day of 2020. This year I had a great transition from being a teacher and now I'm back being a student, not just a simple student but a Master's student. I am thankful to Lord God that everything went smoothly despite some little hurdles that happened. I'm still here and I survived this sem. I have so much to thank this year. I am indeed blessed! Have a wonderful 2021 ahead! This time, I hope we'll make it! I'll make it! All the best!!! Cheers to 2021!!!

May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. Psalm 20:4

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“Don't watch the clock, do what it does. Keep Going” – Sam Levenson

You will make it! You can do it! You will survive! I'm always rooting for you.

I wrote this for my sister's assignment and I conveyed part of my entire feelings about this 2020 happenings.

It's been a week since the last I-LAND episode. The result was really unexpected to me at that time. I even had a hard time processing everything. My mental health was also affected because I invested so much of my feelings and support for K. Maybe that was my weakness as a fangirl. Even at the very last moment, I trusted K that he would debut. Sad, because my expectations were not met. Nevertheless, I still appreciate and love K. 

To be honest, when I first watched the show, I did not notice K immediately. I was actually into Sunghoon. However, as time went by, I came to appreciate K because of his dedication, courage, confidence, and genuine talent. At that very moment, I decided to give my full support to this trainee (as I said to myself). I created a fan account on Twitter to support him, and I gained a lot of nice and loving mutuals with whom I share the same goal, to make K debut. I enjoyed staying on Twitter even though I'm also busy with my studies since I am in graduate school. I use some time to post and cheer on him whenever I have free time. I wrote a lot of sincere messages to K and encouraged others to vote for him on Weverse. However, despite being a responsible Twitter user, we still encounter so many people against our fave. That made me really upset because they were destroying his name and reputation even though he was just a trainee. Keiys (K's fandom) teamed up to counter those people. We worked hard just to keep his name clear. The battle continues even after the show has ended. We never had a break. We are tired but most of us are still fighting for him. Yes, until now. In my case, I decided to deactivate my account because I am emotionally and mentally unstable. I love K but I love myself too. I am not leaving him. I still support him in any way I can. 

To K,

Hello, how are you? This is Michi, your noona. I was born in 1997 just like you but I'm still a bit older so I am your noona. Anyway, I've been so worried after the show about your feelings. I know you must be upset about it. It's okay to feel it. Me too, I kinda suffered but I'm getting better now. What I want right now is to hear that you are doing well, physically, emotionally, and mentally. You know what? your fans are waiting for your debut! That includes me! I really admire how passionate you are about the kind of path you have chosen. You are brave, K. You really amazed me every time you performed on stage. The way your body flicks, your stares, your voice, all were perfect to me! You are an outstanding dancer, with a stable voice, and an excellent dance choreographer. I really hope to see you on the concert stage, soon. I'm sure, you'll slay it! Please remember that we are still here for you. Please hang in there. 

See you soon. We miss you so much. We love you, K. Noona love you, K!

Hello! This is Michi!!!

I will be summarizing my thoughts and feelings these past few weeks. I have been so preoccupied with school lately.

My classes in my Master's had started last September 10. This is now our 3rd week. I have outstanding professors, and very interesting subjects this semester.