after seeing parts of lightopia on friday, was a bit disappointed cuz the street it is on is underconstruction.
what sounded cool was the candle park, but i was happy getting the pic w/ super dai & banana republic christmas tree, so no problem.
there is much more special times to come soon!

ランチの前に色々終わらした。

- India Hut cancelled.
- Vertigo cancelled.
- night buffet confirmed (they told me we had to confirm a few days before)
- dinner reserved at 6:30pm Bussaracum under Lisa
- dinner reserved at 6:30pm The Chinese Restaurant, Grand Hyatt under Fujiwara. they do not have half a peking duck, only whole, which costs 890Bt
- checked about internet costs at our hotel. for one hour 214Bt, or 24hrs 642Bt. if we upgrade to the room which costs 15USD more a night, then we get unlimited internet for free. if you think you will be doing more than 2hrs of internet a day, then i will upgrade. but still don't see it being worth it to upgrade yet. supposedly premium but it is on the lower floors, no louge to use, just 20% off on spa & laundry& free internet. maa, let me know if you think it is better to upgrade and i will. :)
- cancelled shopping companion. they said can arrange again later but really it isn't a problem to go around ourselves. they can provide all maps & places to go. this was done before your mail. gomen. also, i had asked before if they could go with us to the floating market but answer was no because it was too far.

anything else? hmmm.... trying to think but what comes to mind is how tan can i get you in phuket? he he.

there are so many choices for lunch that i get confused. we could do thai lunch and chinese for dinner... or chinese for lunch and thai for dinner....
and then we have day 3 in bangkok with choices as well. =)

Dec 23 NRT>BKK NW 27

depart 1835pm arrive 2350pm

Dec 26 BKK>PHT TG 227

depart 2000pm arrive 2130pm

Jan 04 PHT>BKK TG 228

depart 2210pm arrive 2340pm

Jan 05 BKK>NRT NW 28

Depart 0600am arrive 1400pm

WWW.CHECKMYTRIP.NET/CMTSERVLET?R=3ABYPV&L=GB&N=NOVAK

WWW.CHECKMYTRIP.NET/CMTSERVLET?R=3ABYPV&L=GB&N=FUJIWARA

Dec 23 – Dec 25 Banyan Tree Hotel reserved under Elizabeth Novak

Dec 26 – Jan 4 Manathai Hotel (Phuket) reserved under Elizabeth Novak

Jan 04 overnight at airport

Restaurant reservations (tentative)

Dec 24, 1800pm, Suhkothai Hotel, Collonade “Novak” must call to confirm reservation.

Dec 25, 1830pm, Banyan Tree Hotel, Vertigo “Fujiwara”

Dec 25, 1800pm, Indian Hut, “Lisa”

Shopping Companion

Concierge will confirm upon arrival Dec 25 1100am

I read through the mail that you sent me Monday night. It was addressing a lot of the points we had talked about and especially the future. When I was reading it, it seemed to send me a much different message than the first time I had read it, which surprised me.

In reading your mail, the overall message that pops out to me is that, yes, you do care about me, but in terms of committing to the future, the stance is more of a let’s wait til we are ready instead of a “commitment?! Bring it on baby,” stance. I must admit that it is interesting because in the beginning, things seemed quite different. I’m not sure if that was fall from the glory period for you and sight of some not so pleasant points in me, or if your intentions on commitment were different from the beginning. Either way, that is in the past.

Right now, it seems that the stance is let’s wait until it’s right. Obviously, there are parts which are not ready between us. I have heard yours as being financially, mentally, pscychologically and all those around us saying yes as well. Of course there is a part of me that hurts to hear that, but it is ok, a small part of me is saying ok to wait. Even though a bigger part—most likely the emotional part is saying “let’s do it”.

It was interesting for me to read your mail, because what was written in it, was in-line with what I wanted to talk to you about! Lots of thinking and assessing where I thought we were.

For me, I know that it will be right for us one day. I know things will work out,. There is an important factor missing from the equation. You and I have both said it—timing. When taking the next step, I want us to be happy to take that step, to be excited, and let that energy guide us in our shinkon-seikatsu. I want us to be happy together and enjoy whatever we have coming.

So far, lots of focus on the future, which is great, but it has turned into a negative focus because we are looking to step too much too early on. You have told me many times that the timing isn’t right. I agree.

Now onto what I wanted to also share about myself. This is such a basic thought.

I’m just like most girls… have grown up with that dream of getting married some day. my dream wasn’t to have the perfect wedding / dress / setting. Of course, those would be wonderful, but what I had hoped was that there would be someone that I could be happy with. I am sure that I have met him. because I have met him, I want that dream to come true. It’s so close! But must wait.

In terms of living together, I have thought about this deeply. There is one thing that as a “girl” have saved. I ask you to respect my request on this. Please respect me and understand that it is also out of respect to my parents. My parents do not come from a Scandanavian background nor French or that modern European. I did not come from that either. My values on this are something that have been in the making since I have been little. I do understand the benefits with your approach, but don’t feel right.

As for alternatives, I do have a sort of proposal. Before the day comes to live together, I ask that we can first leverage mai apato to spend time on the weekends together. It won’t be exact practice, but perhaps a step. Kore kara atarashii bed ka futon wo kau tsumori. Heya no set-up mo kaeru to omou. Ima wa hitsuyou no wa isshoni yukkuri dekiru jikan. It’s so obvious. Thai ga kuru no wa yokatta. Sono ato nani mo nai no de kichijoji de ii no kashira?

I will talk to you in person about all of this. Just wanted to first write it down, so that I had notes in case you mesmerized me, and made me blind. =)

Love you!

Side note, I finally understand what you mean about me living here longer so having more things.

i don't know why this happens. it just does i guess. and that is when you realize how much you truly care about someone. as i was making dinner, eating and then cleaning up, all i could think about was you. worry about you and hope that you were doing your best to take care of yourself...

do you ever have this happen? where you just get overwhelmed with your feelings towards someone? for me, i have this with you. it started earlier today and just kept building. first was that i knew you were sick and just hoped you would get better. then i found out just an hour of sleep! your mails were kind, but i could sense a bit of tiredness or worn out feelings from them. all i hoped for the whole day was for you to rest, eat properly and take care. i wonder if this is the same type of feelings that my mom gets towards me when i'm sick. but probably a little different.

it's strange that i had to hear about you only getting an hour of sleep to have this strong feeling come to me.

then, i was reading some of our mails that we had written to each other. and some of the blog'ed messages i had about you. i had also written my friend stephanie who is in africa an update on us. when i was writing, all i could be reminded on was what a special connection we have built over the past 2-3 months. i was able to revisit the past but also update it with my more recent feelings and happenings. anyways, i want to share with you a little update to the story we had shared a few months ago.

do you remember the lighthouse story that we had written about before? i have a continuation to that.... feel free to update or correct it as you please. this story is being written by both you and me.....

-----

as i look at everything, i feel like you and i are now have decided to start building a boat so that we can ride to an island and create our new world. the first part of seeing the light from each other, docking the boat and getting to know each other has been established. it was night time when we were brought to each other. each coming from a darkness of different pasts and struggle. the daylight came and we were able to see each other more. explore what each other was made of. in due course, we have had a few storms, perhaps it could be considered a typhoon season, but it looks like that season is coming to an end. the place where we had stayed together took a bit of a hit. there are a few leaks here and there, but the two who shared that place together have survived. they went thru a lot. each of them caught colds which weakened them at times, but always the other was there to support.

the typhoon season seems to have come to an end. the two have talked about how they want to approach things in the future. stay on the island (and experience that same typhoon season again)? or doing something else?

i see us as having decided to start something new together. the vision to start something together came before the typhoon season started(at 2nd sumidagawa), however, confirmed with an action plan much more recently. i see us having decided that we want to build a boat together (prep work for living together) and use that boat to sail to an island of our own. it's a huge job to put the boat together alone--deciding the materials, finding what is available and what we can work with. next, we also will have to look for the island, then after choosing or finding the island, building everything from there will be another challenge (finding the apartment, gel-ing our living styles, forming a 'home' together and beyond).

the story has much much more to come, but there definitely has been an update since the docking at the lighthouse after a tough ride in the darkness together. we have been through storms together but they key is together. i strongly feel you there and hope you feel the same with me.

as you read this mail, this may be the 47th of the past 48 hours awake. please, please take care of yourself, daisuke. i can't help but hope you will be ok.

i am limiting myself to mails only today so that you can sleep. it's not mid-week yet, so feel my kiss on your cheek, my arms around your neck & shoulders hugging you from behind, and let this feeling take your body to lay down. imagine me laying next to you, with my hands going through your hair and softly rubbing your chest. rest daisuke, and i will mail you again later.

with love that started from the light of a lighthouse,
liz

It has been awhile since I was last able to update you on everything. Sounds like you are busy and that perhaps you are very close to one particular guy? (^_-) I forgot his name, but the one who made you the wonderful birthday present. He really took time out for you! that’s so special.

I will go through giving you an update on my life as of late. And how kichijoji is doing! I remember you saying that your brother was working at a Spanish restaurant. Yes, I know where that is at! It used to be an Italian restaurant, then that Italian restaurant went downhill and they replaced it with another Italian restaurant, that just wasn’t that good. Now, it has become a Spanish restaurant and doing quite well. It is near the Nike store at the back of Tokyu.

As for my life, things have been progressing with Daisuke and me. I think that I told you about meeting him, how we were going to hanabi taikai together, and spending lots of time together over the summer, but after that not sure how much I have updated. Anyways, his background—born in Tokyo, lived here til middle school, went to St. Mary’s, then from middle school onwards lived in Australia (Gold Coast) where he went to last part of middle school, high school and college. He is a doctor, clinical psychologist, so just graduated from school a year and half ago. He worked in Australia for a few months as a psychologist, but decided to come back to Tokyo where he is working more in the recruiting field. He lives in Naka Meguro, so it is a little away from Kichijoji.

As time has passed, things have gone well. I think that we both feel like we have met “the one”. We clicked in many ways in the beginning, then went through a few bumps over the last couple of months. All normal development as a couple. I know he’s different, the way he treats me, the way we care for each other, the effort we put into each other… this is something that has to last. We have had some fights where we both just sit down with each other and talk. Talk, talk, talk for hours in order to understand and try to solve things.

Daisuke went back to Michigan with me for Thanksgiving too! We were only in Michigan for 3.5 days, but that was probably the max that I could ask him to stay. I have never brought a guy over and never formally introduced a boy before, so I think this was a big event all around. My mom absolutely loved Daisuke. In her words, “he’s a gem!!” I asked my mom what dad thought and I guess it is a bit more difficult. She says he is neutral, that no one is good enough for his daughter… (Y__Y) I wish it was a little more positive, but to think about it, only meeting once, when he is quite a conservative type, it just isn’t the easiest.

Anyways, no, there are no wedding plans, no engagement yet. Just a lot of feelings, and hope for the future on both of our sides. We will be going to Thailand together for year-end holidays. Hopefully, this will give us some off-time to develop together.

As for other things happening. Hmmm… this may sound trivial, but I’ve been working hard over the past year and half to grow my hair longer. It is now past my shoulder blades and just a few weeks ago, got it permed, so it is a little bit flowing. I quite enjoy it! I bet this is something that would be difficult to come by where you’re at.

If I do calculations, your 2 years in Africa should be coming to a close soon. What are your plans after that? Will you be coming back with the guy who is also volunteering there with you? I’m sure it will be slightly tough adjusting to the developed world again after a long time abroad, but just to let you know, there are many in Japan & all over who are looking forward to your return.

Please do update me on everything around! I love hearing from you.

Your Sis,

Liz

Dec 9-10^th. Things were not going the best of late. Must admit that it was getting better than before, but still the hiccups here and there were happening.

It seems like we have reached another point where a big growth is needed. We’re at the 4 months point, but it does seem so much longer than that. Any normal couple at 4 months would still be exploring how to get to know the other’s hobbies and enjoying a drive here and there. Some couples may think about taking the next step, as it may all seem right. For us, we are somewhere in between. I feel like I have gotten to know you and we have approached our relationship in such a deep way from the beginning. In some ways, things have been taken way slow. In others, we’ve dove head first into the depths of each other.

Looking over what we talked about this weekend. Once again the topic of communication. Assumptions and everything else. But I do feel that we are starting to create that gel. I feel that we actually started creating the gel from last week.

After our time in Bali, there was much taught. Much experienced and much growth we had together. Two major fights, but from those, we did become much closer. That is my thought and I keep positive, even though the time spent to fix things was enormous.

What happened over the two months after bali is we somehow got into a sort of groove… less questioning and sharing from my side. Also, I became a little silent when things were done for me. the appreciation for you driving me home or making arrangements just didn’t reach. Didn’t reach your heart, causing a pain that shouldn’t have been. If I put this into an example, me almost expecting you to take me home via car (though I always appreciated it) was missing one major component—watching out for your condition as well. I had bad timing for talks, selfish want to create our own world (thru time in your car) and little time to get a hug. But what were you getting out of any of this?? Not fair.

That was a smaller example, but there were others as well. I think that my desires/ wants started hitting deeper. Especially in the pocket book. Talk about thanksgiving, winter, ring, wedding, living together… it’s like I was asking for it all… absolutely unfair. And you know what? You never told me no to anything… sometimes timing was a question, but nevertheless, each time you somehow kept me on that, yes, one day. I can absolutely see how you were saying that you liked to be one that caused pain to yourself (sado dakke?). I can see how struggling with all those times and asking yourself was it worth it could have come about.

And to top it all off, I would get into that state. The one that would come about when I would see only partially the picture. I would start crying and try to cancel all of something, such as the trip to Michigan. I can see now, hellooooooo all of the effort involved and just canceling at the end is just so stupid of an option. Yes, I didn’t look at the big picture. Was just too focused on lessening the pain you were going through. and that was pain that had already been delegated to you, so no point in trying to get rid of something that had already done damage. Same case with the Thailand trip. I do understand how you were able to struggle and tell me “we are going through the same thing again, Liz”. Of course you were going to get impatient. But from my side I partially didn’t understand the impatience because once again, was only focused on the point of lessening the pain on your wallet instead of seeing the effort, time and work we did together on that.

Now in between all of this, you were also able to find things such as the way I take care of my place, the way I have lived that you seriously disagreed with. All reason more to not enjoy things. In the beginning, we had so many times where our tastes were the same, but suddenly, that seems to have changed. So, if we look at the first couple of months, comparing it to the last couple of months, it is a recipe of unhappiness! Daily life similarities replaced by confusing a mess of clutter and differences. Real growth from questions and sharing had been moved to assumptions and silence. I had thought that I was continuing to share, but it was a one sided sharing, not able to see all. I thought that I was able to see your heart, but really it was not completely being taken care of. And that is the most important!

I don’t know… maybe this time to reflect was missed the entire time. What I can tell you is the above. Share with you that I see not only each of the points but also how they added up together. I was telling myself I was stupid or being angry with myself for isolated incidents, but this big big picture was being missed.

I actually do not know what your reaction would be to this mail. Usually, your reaction to my mails can go two ways. 1. you don’t have a point, what’s your point? 2. the famous ‘no decoder needed’

So, I guess I will summarize to keep your mental strength needed to a minimum.

- Over the last couple months, I have been sharing less, asking less about you.

- At the same time, I was demanding more in terms of future commitments.

- We continued to learn about each other, but I think the ‘gel-ing’ process may have not been there at times.

- I can now see how much I was demanding, and how I lacked in communicating my appreciation & caring to you.

- My style was to try to fix smaller issues, and became blind to seeing the big picture. My caring focused in the wrong areas.

- With all of this, we also began to find more differences, and negatives with these.

- I thought that I was taking care of you, but my approach was not touching your heart, nor was I properly taking care of it.

Next steps? Solutions?

I need to understand what could have been done better. I think that a basic in all of it was what we have been saying as lack of communication. Me always saying I understand but hurting you in the end through repetition.

Other areas is I want to continue to try to develop where you can feel my caring for you. I want to be a partner where there is no question in you mind that I love, care and am there for you. You are one who does tend to keep people out, but I have been the fortunate one to receive the open book. I need to keep reading my book to you as well. Any thought, especially pertaining to us, will be explored together instead of me seeking an answer alone. My 4 years (6 years?) alone has taught me to seek answers on my own, and make those work. But in order to develop us, I will push myself away from this habit. It will become natural to go to you. but is this what you want? Do you want a partner who will share and discuss with you or do you ideally want a partner who knows you so well that she doesn’t need to approach? …

Question.. so when you wrote your blog, was this in reference to us living together? Or was this in reference to us marrying?

Your reminder to me that he took off days from work to go back to Michigan is soooo true. He actually rearranged two long weekends he had off and made a special request to work so that he could get days off. Very special for me. the reason he said was because “if it is important for you, I will do it.” Definitely not many people will say that. And he was put in my parents environment for 4 days straight. With no escape! I appreciate that so much and always let him know.

I agree that it is a process. One that is still being developed and one that will take time. And I do need to keep in mind that marriage is just the beginning. For me, it is strange but I feel like I’m the type who is better to be married than single… you know what I mean? There are some who are more flexible. Some who are made to party. For me, I’m fine if I can enjoy quiet time with people I care about. Is that strange? Maa, there is no date, there is no proposal, but hopefully things will go well. I really hope we can catch up when you’re here. I’ll be back in Tokyo from approx jan 8 I think. Going to Thailand with daisuke and we return jan 5. then I’ll be off to the mountains for a weekend of snowboarding with my brother. It is his birthday weekend. After that, hope that we can see each other a lot! So much to catch up on and I get to meet sami!! Yes, I honestly think that sami was shocked to have a kokujin hold her. Daijobu dayo. She will learn. I guess babies really know who is Mom and what isn’t ne! (^_-)

Mata kaku ne!

liz

I never mind your long essays! The time it takes to read them is just enjoyement, so short or long, I always appreciate notes from you. I loved the mail you wrote, including the lighthouse example. It is so true! The picture that came to mind of you in the dark waters, maneuvering the unknown and obstacles to finally see a light that could guide… to place me as someone who has given light to you after darkness means so much to me. If I have been this light you say, then I hope that I can continue being that light. I want to be that light when you have to go sailing—even though I really hope that you would be taking me on those journeys—for those which must be taken alone, I hope to be the place you dock after the journey at the end of the day. this could mean something as simple as a day at work.

I also hope that the reason you dock over time does not become because of habit but because of a feeling in your heart that pulls you towards the lighthouse and what is in that place.

As for me using you as a dock… I think you already know that I do. When I was stressed or tired, I wanted to spend time with you. as time goes by, I can see this happening many more times. You hold a special place in my heart. You also have the ability to take care of my heart; to calm it when it is going a bit out of control. The time at the fitting room in Singapore was exactly that. I was getting annoyed by the inefficient process and you just told me to try on. Those simple words actually calmed me. I remember thinking while changing that ‘wow he did exactly what I needed’. That was just a bit of sense put in me. J there are going to be many more of these times, I’m sure, so I will say ‘yoroshiku daichan!” ahead of time.

I sense that we both want how our relationship is today to continue. We want to keep this special feeling and appreciation towards each other. I find this interesting. One reason is of course because we are enjoying each other and our time together right now. I wonder if another reason we feel this way is because of our pasts? Things may have gone smoothly in the beginning in other relationships but for some reason started to crack… later to crumble. I feel strongly that I have learned from my past. I realize areas which I needed someone who matched and also where I needed to become a better person.

Of course, there are going to be times where it feels that it may fall apart, and those are the times when it is most important to put in the effort. ( I think we’ve talked about this a bit) just want to once again let you know that I am willing to put in whatever effort is required. There may be times where I may not know what is the right effort, and I look to you as my partner to help us figure it out together. I’ve never kept a relationship with anyone at this level before. I may have tried to not lie, but over time, either to protect myself or fear of fights, I may have said tekitou na koto or kept things in. you are an open book to me. I am an open book to you. one more requirement to complete us is the linking of the text from these two books. That is the “us” and I think so far we are doing really well! But of course it isn’t over and I hope even when we are together forever, that the linking of the two books and writing of new chapters doesn’t stop… or is it that the linking is supposed to fade and we spend more time writing a new book? Is it we are already writing a new book from the day we met (and part of that is to link our pasts as the first parts)? Whichever, the time and effort and togetherness are key. I am fully dedicated to keeping the special thing we have created going forever.

But there is one important component that I haven’t touched on and that is you. You are very different and so much more special than anything I have imagined. I always say that but it’s because IT’S TRUE!!! The one and only. And I’m fortunate to have been guided to you ( or both of us guided to each other?). The one and only, and I’ve met him. He’s sitting in front of the computer, with those eyes which make me melt and slight smile, maybe its even a hidden smile, using his liz decoder to soak in these words from my heart.

Love you always, Liz