Hidden Door　11

“ Where has mom gone?” Asked the boy, “ Is she safe ?”

So-wn was there to answer the children’s questions, though things were too complicated to explain easily. The children still thought that So-wn and Pare were a couple and they were adopted parents with the real wish to be the parents to love their children. Also those children’s brains were with such high IQ their emotional stage was still of those youngs.

“ Do I really have to attend the party ?” Said Pare reluctantly, “ I don’t even have any dress to wear.”

That was a strong wish of a neighbour living in one of the houses built along the river. Pare was seen by some people and because she was so pretty people chatted about her and got interested, especially some men who were watching her from their windows up high.  The birthday party was for an old lady and everybody in the neighbourhood knew her and got invited to the party. 

“ What if my tip works and unnecessarily takes his attention?”

“ Pare, I don’t think there is a tip implanted in your brain. The idea of the way the tip would work is quite funny and very difficult to start with. And Mr Suzuki fell in love with you before he implanted. And I was only seeing you from quite a distance away. Who else was in love with you so crazily? So that you can say the tip is working? Maybe there was a tip ‘like that’ was there at Mr. Suzuki’s hand but I don’t think he implanted it in your brain. What stupid would implant such a tip in the head of the girl he loves?”

Pare was standing at the window enjoying the breeze and the scenery. 

“ I never saw trees from up high like here and never thought their bright green young leaves were so beautiful.”  

“ Pare,, we are talking about the party. Can I accept the invitation?”

“ I need a dress.”

老婦人の家に入っていくと、すれ違う誰もが私を凝視しした

私 は居心地悪く隅の椅子に腰掛けて窓の外を見やった

子どもたちの誕生会でもこんな感じだったなと思い出してため息を付いた

視線を部屋の反対の壁へやると、上等なジャケットに蝶ネクタイをした紳士が私を見ながら微笑んだ

ドキドキしてしまうのが自分でやっかいだが仕方ない

私は服のリボンを解いたり結んだりして賢一が飲み物を持ってきてくれるのを待っていた

近くの椅子にまだ学生ではと思うほどの若い男性が座り、シャツの襟とネクタイを直しながらはっきりと私を見て明るい笑みを浮かべた

Then, another man in his thirties sat right beside me and talked to me without hesitation. 

“ Are you with anyone? I haven’t seen you in this area before? Have you moved to this area recently?”

I tried to think of a good excuse, taking myself to think longer than usual. The man was looking at me all over and making me so nervous. I stood up and went to a balcony. He came after me and said quietly.

“ It’s better here. You can breathe fresh air. Aren’t you thirsty? Shall I get you anything to drink? What would you like?”

“ Well,, somebody else is getting my drink. Thank you.” Said I, as I was feeling very restless.

Kenichi found us.

“ You are here. I was looking for you. Are you hot inside?” Said Kenichi , as he was acting, that he didn’t notice the man. “ Pare, you need to eat some too. You haven’t eaten since you woke up.”

Kenichi deliberately said what he said to tell the man that Kenichi was very close to Pare. Though the man said, 

“ Oh, then, you should eat. The lady’s maid is a very good cook. “

I kept being quiet as I didn’t know what to say. Kenichi said, 

“ That is true. I love her pork stewed in red wine. She bakes bread as well. Shall I get you some? If you wish to stay here.”

“ I will go. “ Said I, as I quickly took my stole and wore it on my shoulders.

Left out men talked.

“ Do you live with her?Are you her boyfriend?” Asked the man.

“ No, I am not her boyfriend but I am staying in the same house as her bodyguard.” Said Kenichi proudly.

“ Bodyguard? Is she in danger? What danger?” Puzzled the man.

“ It is a secret though she has to be hidden and has to be very careful.”

The man in his thirties didn’t really take Kenichi’s words seriously, instead he was trying to get another chance to talk to me. 

As the day went by many candles were lit and someone started playing a piano. It was a very good pianist. The live music sounded so lovely to my ears. The man in his thirties took my hand and led me to dance with the music. 

“ Pare, you are like a blossoming rose. You should enjoy the evening. “ Said the man, as he knew that Pare didn’t dislike him and he held Pare tightly unnecessarily. Kenichi was watching. Kenichi needed to watch if anything funny happens. He couldn’t be enjoying the dance with me as he had to be at the place where everything was clearly watched.

The perfume of the man I was dancing with and the motion I was thrown in, made me dizzy. 

“ Sorry, I need a break. I need some cold water. Would you?”

I asked the man I was dancing with. He looked happy being asked to do anything by me. 

In the engine room of the submarine of Russia, which went through the baltic sea carrying their top scientific heritage, Belil was watching the engine and other facilities as a chief engineer. He had been on the submarine for 65 days. Everything in the submarine was made so small. His room was tiny as well though it had every private need. The submarine was going the safest way, not the fastest way. So he had time to plan well.

In his room Belil prepared five tiny but powerful bombs and a bottle of liquid nitrogen.  He put those hidden in his uniform and went to the places which he decided well balanced to destroy all. After setting the bombs he went to the laboratory opening its door with the secret code which he found infrared light. It was very easy to find and move their scientific heritage in the containers he got and froze them with liquid nitrogen. The containers were super tough and he was wearing a swimsuit for the deep water. He went to one of their exit doors, which was of rare use. The camera was bent by him some days ago. He got the oxygen tank and opened the double door one by one, and came out of the submarine. He didn’t swim  away right away. He put a gum-like material on the cameras and ladders, on which could detect his running direction, for them to be useless. The detectors were not getting close attention anyway as Belil was talking to the radar and camera operators that they didn’t have to be careful at all as there was nothing to be afraid of in the deep water at that age and nobody would ever think a submarine would be carrying anything that important. He was telling those men  their unnecessary attention to the enemies in different ways and words every single day till they became so lazy that  those men started being so neglectful that they often went to the cafeteria or the smoking room, or watched films, even played chess which was their national game needing lots of concentration, all during their working time.

Belil swam far enough and the location of the submarine in the Baltic was so desolate that it would be almost impossible to find any remains. He pressed the button. 

It was so deep that the surface of the water had no effect. The whole thing including everything and everyone apart from Belil and the frozen scientific heritage smashed into pieces in one moment.     

ワン吉君はブルドッグ、がっしり３０キロくらいの体でふーふーゼーゼーいいながら歩いている。

とても優しい性格なのが雰囲気で分かる。

時々犬の散歩をしていて出会うのだが、最近見かけていなかったので８歳くらいだし、もしや寿命だったかなと少し心配していた。

ワン吉君のパパは私と同じくらいの年の多分一人身の男性で、ワン吉君の世話に心を尽くし本当に愛し可愛がっている人なのだ。しかも、いつもペットボトルに水を入れて持っていて、ワン吉君がおトイレした際にはその場所を水でお掃除していくというマナーの良さ。それもワン吉君を愛するが故のことと思う。

彼にとってワン吉君がどれくらい大切かは彼が一言も言わなくても実に良く分かる。

私が自分の犬に精神的にこんなに依存しているのと同じ状態ではないかもしれないが、やっぱりどうしようもなく気持ちは似ている。

ブルドッグの寿命は短く、８歳は良く生きているという年齢らしい。

私の犬ももうおじいちゃんの年。健康なのでもう数年は生きてくれると思うが、

『時』はいつ訪れるか分からない。

正直、とても自信がない。

恐くてしかたない。

生まれて、死ぬ。

悲劇ではない。生死は自然の営み。

でも仏教では四大苦を生老病死という。

ずっと死なずに生きていたっておかしなもので、

かく言う私自身も比較的近い未来には生物として寿命を迎えるから、

永遠にその悲嘆が続くわけではない。

言えば、短い間なのだ。

でも、、、愛してしまうと、

喪失することの恐怖はなかなか消せない。

Soon after I started reading the million seller book JUSTICE I felt sick.
I had to threw it out at the floor.
People who do not think and use their brains much would appreciate that kind of book and be controled by authorities.
Why do you need to be told about which is more important a life of a child or money with those hints of made up "logical" choice?
There are countless unreasonable happenings in the world but at least more than many enough people know the importance and the weight of dignity of all lives,
That I would like to believe.

『武士道』についての教育番組をみていた。
番組の中で研究者の先生が言っていた。
「その『名誉』＝プライドを重んずる精神は鎖国による大きな文化的遅れから間もなく日本を主なる先進国へと導いた。」
「その強い『名誉』の精神は今もなお私たちの心に残り、弊害も生じている。」(要約)

『名誉』は、それが満足しないと耐え難い『恥』につながり、『切腹』や『自害』という痛ましいはずの行いが悲愴であるが名誉を究極に守りきる『美意識』として主に時代劇ドラマの中によく表現されている。
それを喜んで鑑賞する私たち現代日本人もその『美学』を十分に心深く感じている気がする。

空気が読めないといけない、恥ずかしい。
適切に理解し、正確な言動や行動が出来ないとひどくプライドが傷つき、必要以上に落ち込んだり、これ以上恥ずかしいことにならないように黙り込んでしまったりするという
多くの日本人に共通する心のあり方と行動様式が、外国語の習得の際に大きな壁となってしまう。
ペラペラ英語をしゃべる外国人のまえで、少しでも分からなくなると諦めて会話から退き、それ以上の『恥』に甘んじないようにしてしまう、
真面目に勉強する人ほどこの見えない厚い壁を心に引きずり持っている。
英会話を教える時、文法や語彙などよりこの見えない壁の方がずっと強大な敵になる。
この敵は手ごわい。

と言う自分の中にもこの『日本人らしさ』はしっかりあって、
英語で会話をしていて、相手の考えていることがはっきり分からなくて、適切な次のセリフが思い浮かばないと、どうしても口を継ぐんでしまう。
話したくなくなってしまう。
以前、アメリカを旅行してるとき、行く先々で
ペラペラ軽薄なことを考えなしにまくし立てる外人たちには本当に嫌気がさしたものだ。

駅の近くのスターバックスはいつも混んでいる。
それでも私はその店舗が好きでよく利用する。
席が空くのを待たなければならない時もよくある。
それでも、私はその店舗が好きだ。
本が沢山入った重い鞄を持ちながらも、席が空くまで待つのを厭わないで済むような居心地よさがそこにはある。
ある特定の雰囲気までも作り出し、それを持続させることが出来るビジネスの有り方と社員教育には、アメリカが畏敬に値する発展をなしえた、徹底した目的達成のための揺るがない高度な知性と執行力を感じる。
その高度な知性と執行力は、時に冷血な非人間性にもなってしまう。

私はちょっとしたトランス状態にも近い気分で席を待ちながら、お土産用の棚を眺めていた。
インスタントコーヒーとチョコレートのセットが並んでいる。
少し目をそらすと、その色や模様と相似形をなすような壁やテーブルの様子が見える。
『自分』を含めて、お土産の棚、店の中の様子、３つの空間が一緒にある。
一緒にあるけど、それぞれ別なのだ。
もっと、ある。
２，３０人の人々。
湧かされるコーヒー。
ラップトップやi-padや携帯電話の画面に浮き出すインターネットの世界。
ふと、それらの色んなもの達と自分の間に静寂なる空間を感じた。

私が私の今という時をどうするのか、
それは、これらの色んな物と関係ないと感じた。
（とても気分がいいので普段には出来ないやり方で考えてみる事が出来る。）
（なんか嬉しい。）
（憂鬱にとりつかれると、こんな風には考えられない。）
だから、
自分が発信する世界のあり方を思ってみる。
『私』が決めていい世界。
大人になってから、あんまりしたこと無い思考の有り方で、何を思っていいか分からない。
ただ、
嬉しいと、感じるのは特別に意味があるからだと思う。

aclyric and ink on canbas

I was absorbed in the surroundings that made me feel very good.
It almost awed me and I was happy.
" The surroundings" were really surrounding me, not being in me and deciding "my" destination as usual.
I felt as if I were at the start line and I were the one who would decide the way to go, not other things.

I blame on things around myself for the way I feel about my life.
Which is very sad.

Times that I am happy are the chances to make changes in my "usually froｚen" mind.
I can see myself in ice with ugly expression in the death agony.
With a little sunlight falling at it.
I do not yet know what I should do to it when it melts down.
I want to remember this feeling so badly.

今日は雪がちらちら降っていて、

幼いころならわくわくしたのに、

今は背中を丸めて寒さを恨めしく思う。

こんな寒い日にも外の作業は続き、みなダウンジャケットを着て仕事をしている。

という私もなんとか身支度して出かけていく。

歩いていれば温かくなる。

生きている。

というのは不思議なことで、

昨日まで生きていても、死んでしまえば土みたいに冷たく固くなる。

何も言わなくなる。

アニマルシェルターで手伝いをしていた時、毎日のように動物が死んだ。

掃除をしながら亡骸を見つけると、

昨日まで温かくて軟らかかった体がコンクリートみたいに冷たくて硬くなってて、

私は説明できない気持ちになって祈っていた。

それは死んでしまったという悲しさではなく、

昨日は　『生きていた』　という不思議な、多分とても大事な『意味』だった。

涙が次々に流れて、小さな小屋は神殿に変わっていた。

永遠に流れる時の中で、

今、生きていることが、とてもとても　『特別』　なのだと、自動的に分かった。

だからって、どうしていいか分からない。

やっぱり分からないけど、

諦める、のだけは違うのだ。

諦めるには　『特別』　過ぎるからだ。

Everybody that is alive is also very close to death.
You die sometime quite soon in the future,
Which is rather a clear fact.
Many behave like they will never die.
However, they do.
Therefore, one minute now is precious,
Though yet not I know how to handle it as it is so precious.

It is not that you must take it so serious that you abuse yourself.
I do not mean that.
But it is true that you should appreciate every minute better.
The question is how you do that.
That may be the one goal every living being is supposed to seek.

その『赤』の絵はロスコではなく、バーネットニューマンの『アンナの光』という作品であると、昨日川村美術館を再び訪れた際、間違いが発覚しました！！！

ロスコはもちろん素晴らしく、堪能してまいりました。

ロスコのホールの真上にニューマンの『アンナの光』の部屋があり、

この赤一色の巨大画に接近すると、なんだかトランス状態のような、

なんとも言いがたいとても気分のいい状態になりました。

不思議な作品です。

あけびのつるはくもにからまり

のばらのやぶや腐植の湿地

いちめんのいちめんの諂曲（てんごく）模様

（正午の管楽（くわんがく）よりもしげく

　琥珀のかけらがそそぐとき）

いかりのにがさまた青さ

四月の気層のひかりの底を

唾（つばき）し　はぎしりゆききする

おれはひとりの修羅なのだ

（風景はなみだにゆすれ）

砕ける雲の眼路（めぢ）をかぎり

　れいろうの天の海には

　　聖玻璃（せいはり）の風が行き交ひ

　　　ZYPRESSEN 春のいちれつ

　　　　くろぐろと光素（エーテル）を吸ひ

　　　　　その暗い脚並からは

　　　　　　天山の雪の稜さへひかるのに

　　　　　　（かげろふの波と白い偏光）

　　　　　　まことのことばはうしなはれ

　　　　　雲はちぎれてそらをとぶ

　　　　ああかがやきの四月の底を

　　　はぎしり燃えてゆききする

　　おれはひとりの修羅なのだ

宮沢賢治　『春と修羅』より　一部抜粋

I first read this poem of MiyazawaKenji when I was in high school.

I have never forgot how beautiful and innocent it is ever since.

I am angry. But for what?
Walking under the completely peaceful blue sky, nothing is on my way, I am still angry.
There is a flock of ducks on the river. The water looks pretty clear and probably quite nourishing for the creatures living in there.
Let's take a breath and let myself breakdown for a moment.
Tears well in my eyes not knowing why.

１９６４年はぎりぎり私が生まれる前、日本中が上ばっかり見て頑張れば何でも出来ると信じ、

そして本当に人々にそういう強い生命力があった高度経済成長の最中。

敗戦を乗り越えた強さだったのだろう。

古きよき時代というと聞こえがいいが、この映画はいいところをまとめて綺麗に映しているのであり、人間の裏表が５０年前はすっかり違っていて、皆が善人だったわけではない。

ただ、今よりは単純性があったかもしれない。その単純性がいとおしい。

父が居ない私にとって、あんな強そうで愛情豊かなお父さんがいる一平が心から羨ましい。

「お父ちゃん！」って走りよって抱きついて甘える姿が、なんとも心に染みてしまう。

私にとって家族は嫌悪の対象になってしまっているので、いつもは家族物を見ると決まって気分が悪くなるのだが、この映画は漫画が原作であり、それならではの表現があって素直に入っていけた。

"Alian" by Lynne with MerryRose's paintings on YouTube

mixed medium on board

My father died very young.. I never missed him since I do not remember about him at all.
It was very annoying when my mother forced me to go to his graveyard. I had nothing to mourn and pray for the person who abandoned a little girl only to a feeble mother who would complain all the time and blame her hardships on that little girl.

Anyway, somehow I started missing someone like "father" a few years ago and started envying other people who have good fathers.
When I watched "Sanchoume no Yuhi", I certainly envied Ippei when he ran to his strong father and clinged on to the big man affectionately often saying something mischievous getting such sweet pats from his solid looking father.