Dick's blog

Finally

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 17:38:07 +0900

Broken. Bye.

BUT 2

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 20:25:56 +0900

It becomes complex again. I thought he's backed to her but, her status is not updated like that. Moreover he'd never give her any meaningful post, except 'like' it. ??? And in last party he asked me of schedule on 24th. So then what he want to do? After that he keeps silence and never give me even a call. Still scaring of so may things but I want to see him again, so try hard O-O/

It means still cannot give up it...

nice timing!!!

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 13:33:33 +0900

and he backed to her... haha, that's life, I leave him for almost 1 months and did so many wrong things... and I already knew this ending from the first. though I like, I couldn't act like that. still feeling scare of every apart and divorce and, therefore I still cannnot open myself to the others. But I truly need somebody. somebody who care of me and never walk away from me. So how can I get the guy?? just keep on going!! go party, go event, go outside, dayout, nightout and go everywhere even to the mars!! then someday, I'll find mine. so for the day, I do my best to everything!! don't care to anything anymore, just keep running running running, and gritter as he regret!!

BE the BEST!!!!!

BUT!!!!!

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 21:27:39 +0900

I know I didn't do good to him. Because of my busy days, I didn't treat him right and it is able to understand that he lose his ineterest on me through this November. But can I give up him?? I know she's still loving him and she'll never let him go. And definitely the days with her must be precious memories inside of him and I cannot get in to the days. And anyways, he'll back and may be she try to get him back again.

BUT!!! Can I turn my eyes off from this feeling?? Can I forget a little lovegame of us in last fall?? Can I give up him??

My answer is NO. I know it's not him that who'll gonna give me unconditional love and infinitive care. He's so kind but in some aspect, he's so stiff and he'll never let anyone to change his mind. And I know the reason why I like him is only he showed me some favor at the first time. That's all, but what's the problem?? I'll never care to any reasons or logic. I like him now. So much. And wishing him to see me again. Care me again. So what should I do??

Go ahead, girl!!

After love

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 19:15:10 +0900

The song is refraining inside of me since once I heard it. This is the latest song of Crystal Kay and I found it on internet as I always do. The sound is so cool and its video is also pretty stylish. But somehow, it's awesome lyric makes me want to cry. I know my temper is not going ordinary way. Yes, after I have backed from Thai, some part of me is changed. I've never used to feel this kind of uncontrolable grief by the time.

The first time I felt it was, the day after I have went to music festival with him. And he had sang the song of CP and it started refraining inside of me since I have heard that song. May be the abnormal is already started in that time. Next day, I completely lost the temper and feel so down. I've cried and cried and cried and cried. Even in front of counsellor, even on the way to my home, any single time, my tear would'nt stop. Once I've lost some kind of ballance that day.

And now I feeling very simullar way again. After this experience, my mentality got certainly fragile. Even trivial novels online could makes me feel not sorrow but grief. And now my sensitivity comes so keen like those times. The song makes me really want to cry. I don't know why. But I just can not help this feeling now.

Where are you now??

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:20:55 +0900

Then it's more than a week from the last day we met and losing contact as well ==;

Sometimes I'm thinking over bout us and found some fault, fun, and things I have to be sure more.

Like, that I've never introduce my friend to him although he do, and moreover that makes him a little uneasy or makes him feel I'm not that outgoing person... and that surely he'll leave here next spring and we'll get apart after all... and his days in here that he always tell me peaceful and nice even I'm not in his days lately... and think about him and his ex-girl friend and their close relation till now and feel like to cry and... and and and !!!!!!!!

And I'm caught up with this disgusting work at lab and he'll tell me "workaholic" again,

How can I be more better girl??

Since I met you, you've been always a part of my interest and, after the day I got realized to this feeling on the street of Shibuya, you've been the one. Even though you don' know.

found a little

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 15:20:23 +0900

The first one is a kind of my weird idea 'bout everything around me. Especially, about the time management. I've been longing for long to use time effectively but every time I failed. But this is a kind of wind minding. I recognized everything into succeed or fail. But look at the time. I try to wake up 6 or 7am and I always failing it but I woke up always in 9-11.30. What about that? Woke up on 9am is better than 11.30am and 11.30 am is better than 1pm. Everything is depend on cognition as it told in the past lecture. I don't have to be so disappointed for such little fail that I myself defined. And I think still I needing somebody's help but I think I can get out this depression someday. Hopefully.

And the second thing is the importance of writing diary. Last night I've cut my over glowed foot nails and looked at my toes. Still the color of green I put on my nails before I set out to Bangkok is remained less than half of my thumb. Thought it seems not better but I couldn't took them off. I just wanted to connected by those memories as long as I can. And I found my wishing last those association between memories and myself. I'd been experienced so many separation in my child hood and all the times, I cried and seriously be hurt inside. And it made me to feel those memories as the desperately important part of myself. Now I defining the memories as a core part of me. And I seriously scaring for losing them. Honestly longing them last as long as they can. So I have to keep some end of connection between myself and experience, memories somewhere somehow. That makes me so many identical act of me to do. And finally I found blogging or writing diary is the one way to last the trigger of those lines between us. Found the difficulty to describe the proper expression to record them though.

Yes, I'm still scaring for divorce and separation...

Suddenly

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 23:28:00 +0900

Felt wanna see him.
So as I can cry.
Heeeeeey, how come I become like this??
Totally fell in love again...
Though I was in that already...

write and draw!!!

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 20:49:04 +0900

How can we imagine that we can draw a picture with lines like this!!??

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#include "colors.inc"
#include "texture.inc"
#include "glass.inc"
camera { location <0,4,-10>
look_at <0,0,0>
angle 80 }
light_source { <-20,20,-20> color rgb<0.6,0.3,0.3>}
#declare T=-360 ;
#while (T<=360)
intersection {
sphere { <-5,-1,-1>, 0.4
rotate 45*x
scale 1.1
rotate T*y
translate 0.03*T*y }
material { texture { pigment { color Clear }
finish { F_Glass1 } }
interior { I_Glass1 fade_color rgb 0.7
dispersion 1.1
dispersion_samples 20 } }
photons { target collect off
reflection on
refraction on } }
#declare T=T+45;
#end
sky_sphere {
pigment { wrinkles
color_map { [ 0.3 color rgb<0.3,0.4,1.2> ]
[ 0.9 White ] }
scale <1,0.2,0.2> } }
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

this turns into.... THIS!!!!

All owing to CG software "Pov-Ray" ^^
And the editors of plenty helpful tutorial online =)))
Hmmmm, amazing.
Actually I didn't have any interest in programming and Computer graphics.
But somehow, I got an opportunity to do that. Yes, finally I learned that the reason why I've been long time less interested in such kind of information technologies is the problem of the teachers... I think basically Japanese teachers are tend to have a kind of lack of aptitude in their job... noway... they are not teacher but, researcher !! :P

Too many tasks...

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 14:20:08 +0900

Why??
Just because I've been lazy till now... and still doing lazy... hahaha.
But I have to apologize to Ms. Mouri for my impoliteness.
Gomennasai...
And now I wondering for my schedule...
31th... should have fun??
should not have fun??
I know, I should do something but, I don wanna miss these chances...
3th.. it's the time that god provides to me...
yes... I'll gonna work harder for the holiday!!!!!