？『。。。人形姫。。。』？のブログ

unrest

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 06:49:39 +0900

why is it that things suddenly feel so different.
i kno wyou'll be busy with many other accounts, and that as a mature person i should understand.
however, just frequently i've been feeling neglected...
pushed behind...and barely holding on.

true, it's painful

but...i'll make it through...won't i?
im stronger than that!...aren't i?
whats a little pain and unrest...for now (hopefully) compared to knowing what i want and who i want to be with.
i can stand this!...right?
and so can my stomach! w
(...maybe i really am super m =o=)

butjust for now, this feeling is really gross...and i really do want to get away.
or avoid...for now

its not over
it wont be...not until i see sight of blood

what's in a relationship...?

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 16:17:05 +0900

just recently i've recieved news from a friend that she has broken up with,,,or rather, was dumped by her boyfriend of almost two years.

normally i'd not take initiative to acutally post about these events, especially since its in consideration of a friend's life...however...her situation actually scares me a bit.

as by memory, the events of last last summer, they hit off to a great start, as even their major differences acted like some unbreakable bond. however, the reason of their break up was...miscommunication?
suddenly, one guilty party just stopped calling...and rarely talking on defense of "I am too busy"
while "busy" = watching tv, msn and sleeping...

ok......like we'd all know, ofcourse university would be busy, but if you still cared about your girlfriend, you'd be able to find time to atleast talk with her, especially if you guys are barely able to meet because of the difference in age levels and education locations. if you'd really cared, sacrifice a bit of tv time -its okay if you miss a episode of your favorite drama or something, thanks to technology, you can simply watch it online later. if you really cared, cease msn for a while just to give her a phone call...5-10 mins each day would still be awesome!...or better yet, just talk to her ON msn while you're busy with all your other conversations too.
atleast just show some signs that you still care.

although there is nothing wrong with my current relationship and i am fully happy ( and purely in love<3 ) somehow i just get reminded of the same feelings i felt as my friend right now. however with my previous relationship...it was an opposite situation, however resulting in the same feeling. for the time being, lets call my friend K-chan.

K (current) :
feels as if she's a TOY in the hands of her boyfriend. whenever he wants to, he would suddenly go see her, however when he doesn't...she wouldn't hear from him for days. while she makes attempts at communications, she is blamed of constantly annoying him.

Me (previous) :
felt like a TOY in the hands of a little kid who just doesn't want to let it go, simply for the reason that he likes the way it looks. and by 'not let go' i literally mean, to spend every waking second possible with the 'object' --even resulting in stalker-esque behaviour.

though these two cases are so entirely different...its resulted in the same feeling by atleast one person in a relationship. no matter how cliche and corny this may sound...a relationship is indeed a two way street...if one is not functioning well...it'll surely cause conflicts for the two.

so...this really gets me to think (and even before this thought has frequently made visits to my mind...), just what exactly makes a perfect relationship...and exactly what is it?

before, when i was naive (..well i still am = =) i always just thought...a boyfriend is:
* simply someone who you can cry to with all your problems knowing that they'll always be there for you.
* someone you claim as 'yours' and maybe even show him off to friends and acquiantances...
* just someone to have 'certain fun' with...ie..making out...etc(?)
just based on these thought, i can recall that in the past...i have never gone on proper dates with all my past ex's after we have achieved the 'relationship' status...
as well as so many other factors which i have never considered either...

but i do find it funny...that in my current relationship, is where i have learned the most what exactly it means to be carry out a relationship with someone. as much selfish as my naive thought #1 is, it's still true. to be in a relationship with someone, does always guarantee you with someone whom you can seek comfort in times of distress -someone who will always be there for you. and it should be the exact same vice-versa as well. however, more importantly, a relationship is about:
* honesty and trust -although you probably won't realize just how far these two simple words will get you until its just too late...
* knowing their faults yet still managing to find way to love them unconditionally, even small physical 'problems' which one cannot easily change to change at all. for example, i am much taller than my boyfriend, and although that causes awkward moments, it wont stop my love. my love isn't so weak that it can't even jump over that 10cm difference barrier. my love and feelings are so strong, that it doesn't even need to attempt to jump over that little barrier, it'll easily soar over it.
although there are still many more reasons...i'm not going to list them all out, as that will take forever...and i need to get off this blog to start studying for my final tomorrow too...*dies*
but to be in a relationship should be a sacred bond, not simply a word you use to describe yourself of your status.

[ i really do hate it when people get together just for the sake of being able to say..."i have a boyfriend/girlfriend"...that's just really pathetic and a total waste of either party's time. sorry, but it really is quite sad. ]

i think im still missing out on a lot of stuff i would like to say...maybe in another entry...though no one ever reads this anyways = =haha...
ok....i think i need to take a nap before i hit the books again...my head is pounding like crazy even as i am currently writing this...so...
if this doesnt make sense at all and/or is super off topic, hopefully you'd understand why that is so! lol
--> SUPERRRR sleep deprived!

but just after typing out some stuff...i realize it's acutally quite funny...how the person i've learned the most about relationships is with a tbs. but this only makes me realize, just how special my love is, and although you'll never see this, i'd like for you to know, that no matter what happens in the future, and what roads we'll pass through, whether together or on our separate ways (which i sincerely hope wont be the cast...) i'll definitely never be able to forget you, and will forever be eternally grateful for all that you've taught me, just by being yourself. truly, ありがとうございます。

I really am quite lucky to be able to have you in my world --and i hope you'll stay forever in my heart =]
:*:・(￣∀￣)・:*:

23, 24, 26, 28...

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 12:21:00 +0900

to study out of fear of failure...is that a legit reason?

time is approaching now...faster than ever
time to pick up the pace.

off into isolation -no more distractions please.
i DONT want to fail, failure is not an option.
away...!
let the bitterness begin.

wish me luck! （/TДT)/
...i'll acutally need every bit i can get...............................................

Harlequin Type Ichthyosis

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 17:25:06 +0900

Just recently browsed on youtube and made the discovery of a rare genetic defect...Harlequin Type Ichthyosis.
...a defect which I cannot even manage to pronounce...

Its just too sad to see these babies...
upon first time seeing the youtube videos...immediately the thought that ran through my head was: FAKE!
but upon researching just a bit...its none but all too real.
and almost immediately after my discovery, it felt as if dinner was about to make a reappearance.

Its just too sad...
Imagine the pain of the baby, brought into the world in pain and damned to death within days.
Imagine the pain of the mother, seeing the image of a long awaited baby to be nothing but of human image...
Imagine the pain of the baby...as even if over come the 100%mortality rate, to be constantly rejected from society.
to have to suffer the daily pains
to have to suffer limitations
and especially....
to suffer through the ignorance of mankind.

To be honest...if in the presence, no matter how hard I try I cannot say that I will be about to see someone cursed with ichthyosis as a normal person. I would not be able to refrain my mind from wandering...and thinking...
why???

Though as sorry as one could feel for such a child. Even more controversial issues can be brought to mind...the most obvious being the question;
"Is there really no God?"
...because if there were a God, why do such cruel and painful diseases or 'punishments' occur when the baby is just new to the world?
What sin could they possibly have committed for such an awful 'punishment'?
...
theres just too much to say...and cant help but end up feeling pessimistic and depressed again...

No. I have no right to be depressed about anything. All these give personal 'gains' as well...afterall...just watching this has made me realize, exactly how lucky I am.
No matter how unhappy I am with myself -my body...
I should realize, that I am very lucky.
to be fully funcitonal and 'normal'...to be able to live life 'normally' without a constant embrace of pain.

It just makes you realize, how lucky one truly is to be graced with such a honorable gift -no matter how common or how small that gift is.
Its about time to appreciate it -and take care properly as well, because the worst thing possible...is to take something that maybe envied by others and completely destroy it....

Not just simply speaking about a body here...but just everything...one (I) must learn to cherish.

Though I cant do anything -I can only simply say...
Thank you for your pain and suffering...all just to bring a little realization to me.

止めなさい

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 11:42:24 +0900

もういいよ。。。
もう止めてください。

私は貴方たちの玩具じゃねぇ！

in pursuit of happiness

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 11:36:05 +0900

to avoid dissapointment, have no expectations.
results guaranteed or your moneyback.

Warning: only elevates to a false sense of happiness, side effects may include temporal loss of depression.
may eventually lead to a flux of NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
Apply cautiously.

☆

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 16:59:17 +0900

毎日と毎日君を思って。。。
何時も君を思って。。。

愛は何ですか？
。。。疲れた。。。でも、
まだ君を愛してる☆

眠い。

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 13:58:51 +0900

。。。眠いです。。。
でも疲れたの眠いじゃないよ。。。not sleepy...more like drowsy.
之が熱ですか？？？　＝　＝；；；

Just little thoughts i've been having over and over again...
after not meeting for the longest times ever, the meeting was just...bland.
as if no interest...
why does it feel like i am trying so hard, yet no response is given?

...
sigh....
dont feel like much anymore...
just want to sleep....
becuase in my dreams i am acutally free -
no more pain to taunt me
just black (blank)
...

or is it just me thinking too much...

貴方はまだとても大好きです。いや。。。ずっと愛してるです。
でも。。。
。。。私は自分の為に住んでいるよ。

escape

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 18:26:13 +0900

It's been a while since i last wrote in here. . .
I've so far realized that whenever I update...its always at an emotional time frame.
Its this realization that makes me wish I would acutally visit this site less...but that's impossible.

These feeling are back again, the undescribable pains, all bottled up in my heart with no signs of an exit in view.
Why am I always feeling this?? Is there never an end??

One sign of depression in cat:
--> Increased sleep.

Because when the world is crashing, and you're suffocating. Best let it be when sleeping, when you feel no pain. Just to escape reality.

Just let me sleep.
In an eternal slumber, I wish to never awaken.
To forever dissapear from this world --to have no cares in the world.
Please let it stop...because these moodswings are scaring even me.
Just let it end.
onegai

黒い涙。

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 15:20:47 +0900

I'm back...once again...
seems like I tend to use this alot more when feeling depressed...

Something happened again, yes yet again.
I know that this is a 'big deal' but is it seriously never-ending?!?!?

If you already know the answer and my response, why bother asking anyways??
what the fuck is this with constantly keeping track of where I am and what I'm doing. I'm not a fucking four year old anymore.
JUST LET ME LIVE MY LIFE!!!

I know that I am still young, and that many things are still new to me.
I know I lack the wisdom and insight achieved with age and experience.
I know you don't agree to my point of view, nor to the actions I take
THAT IS WHY YOU'RE NOT ME!!!

Just to apologize ahead of time.
I know that this will be a selfish (and angry) post...but I cannot help but to scream out these words.
To just punch the walls (already done...and dented) and scream at the top of my lungs (impossible to achieve) without a care in the world, without any chains holding me back.
ITS ALL OUT THERE
But still I want to cry...even more so...

my makeup is still sliding down my cheeks yet the tears still won't stop.
I guess this is really the true meaning of 黒い涙
It's making my eyes dry. It hurts too much.
I CAN'T TAKE THIS FEELING ANYMORE!!!
It's cold all around me, the goosebumps are still here, even my liver feels like it's constantly being twisted in directions its not supposed to bend in.
PLEASE LET IT STOP!!!

Right now I have no care. I'm allowed to be selfish now, of all places, here would be the best.
-my escape from reality and insanity- a place of solitude - my ASYLUM-

You say that your pains and my mother's pains are all cause by me...by us.
So does that mean that if I were to end this, all your 'pains' and 'health concerns//risks' would go away?? Will it be that instant??? And then everything will return all back to normal???
IS IT REALLY THAT SIMPLE for you???
In other words, that's basically like saying "you're they keypoint of our misery"

Then if I were to become miserable myself and do as I am told, you'd both be happy, and your miseries forever to vanish?
What a great example of Equivalent Trade. ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANTLY FUCKING BLOODY PERFECT!

And just because I am the 'child' I should do as am told...right?
Well not this time.
FUCK THIS
This time it's completely Indifference.

Let the misery begin---!