i would do a lot of things if that meant i could see you again. 

hear your laughter, feel your love and kindness, and feel your skin against my skin. 

what gives me peace is how you live through me even after your death. 

you make me want to be a better person. maybe, just maybe, i could be as good of a human as you were. even after you died, you still guide me through your presence. i still hear your voices. i can hear the things you used to say or what i think you would say.

ive become kinder to myself because you were kind to me. 

i see the beauty in me that i used to not see because you thought i was beautiful. 

i try to be patient towards myself and others because thats what you did. 

i now see who my real friends are because you knew before i did. 

ive been working on being patient and kind to my parents because thats what you did. 

i try not to compare myself to others because thats what you used to do. 

the only regret is realizing this after you died. 

thank you for your kindness. your thoughtfulness. your patience. 

im learning to be that because of you.

thank you, my love. 

i never expected it to be so complicated. 

i piece together our memories. 

immediately after i heard that you died, i started typing out your quirks and our memories into my notes app on my phone.

im scared of forgetting you. i feel like im forgetting you already. 

i go out if im invited, but i havent felt like going out lately. 

im functioning in front of people, while im struggling to process your death. 

im going through the motions of life. i see people living their life while im at a full stop. 

im laughing, im making jokes when im out. once im home, i cry and cry and cry.

how do i move forward?

when will i feel better?

i miss you terribly.

i miss hugging you, holding your hands, kissing you, laughing about the stupidest shit, eating foods together, seeing you on my laptop screen 24/7, fighting with you, and complaining about life to you. 

how do i move forward?

how do i move forward?

how do i move forward?

i miss you.

i love you.

i think about what i would do if i got to see you again.

id probably cry, but i will hold you. i will tell you that its okay and everything is okay. 

i miss you.

i love you.