I thought about why this feeling and my settling in here has been stunted.

It's because of the painful and terrifying experiences I have had since my day landing here, because of this company.

And I feel robbed. 
Having the joy and sense of accomplishment of my first job, moving out of my parents' house for the first time on my own, graduating university, making it to Japan, overshadowed by the sense of doom and impermanence that the threats and gaslighting I've been thrown at me, makes me feel robbed.

I have felt as though I had to constantly fight to prove myself to them, regardless of how good I became and how good I was, they have still treated me like a problem. In comparison to those who went through training with me, I was as good as or better than them in certain aspects of our work, since the company has observed me where the standard that everyone else follows was treated as a reason for firing me.

It is so detrimental for migrants to be harassed in this way. It has made it difficult for me to settle into my 'home' when I feel I can't unpack my suitcase because I'll be fired in a couple of weeks. Psychologically, that is a serious disruption for someone who has moved abroad.

So, I have decided to blog about and log the harassment that I am being put through daily. 

I came here with dedication and trust for this company, and now I feel as though I am in a desperate wscramble to escape from a monster before I die.

あたしの旦那が最も優しいですね～　

だから、今毎日がうれしいと楽しいです

In my heart is the small relentless hope, that this story will have a happy ending.

すっこっとらんどじんです。英語の先生で大阪すきです。

毎日本お読みます。どうぞよろしく！

.

I also showed my nephew how to make one ... it was the funniest thing ever! "I can't do it my fingers are too big!.. I'm too strong" "You can do it~! " I was laughing to the point of tears haha he was getting so angry but still wanted to try  then got mad at me for laughing too hahaa such a happy memory  !
I keep thinking that one day he'll grow up and be a big boy...  my nephews are always going to be babies to me... even though my oldest nephew can pick me up and swing me around already 

( ,,`･ω･´)ﾝﾝﾝ？　ときどきあたしの日本語はちょっと..  笑笑‼　まあ～ I wanna eat cake !
You know, in Japan... (my boyfriend didn't experience this yet) but ...even the sandwiches are different from here

I get told off for eating western food by my friends when they find out. 

'Why??' '... wanna eat the sandwiches!' 'you have it in England!' ...it's not the same aha ! I can't eat the sandwiches in England because it's so awful haha! In Japan I can eat them every day so happily~

I had a favourite cafe in Birmingham (the closest city to my town) but it doesn't have the same atmosphere  anymore. Actually, it has kind of cold and uncomfortable feeling now.. maybe it was a change in staff, I'm not sure, but not comfortable to sit and study or make lesson plans

My dad is back home after having an operation so we can't go for a while yet, but then... when we can I want to go for lunch ... or afternoon tea.. or something ! ......with cake 

さらに、日本でバナナアイスは１００円!! 

もう～ 日本は一番だね!笑笑

Lately, I'm missing Sebastián so much. 

I think because I had so much to handle when he died (final assignment, and exam) and it was so unexpected because he always came through for us, he never stopped fighting and we have always been so lucky that he recovers really well. I couldn't process it, but when I am thinking about Christmas, or at bed time when usually he will scratch at my door, or when I go down stairs to make tea and expect to see him run up to me.. it's not very easy and it feels sad.

The anxiety and sad feeling today is because my dad was taken to hospital with chest pain. It's kind of my habit to believe 'it will be okay~ it's scary but it will be okay..' but then his results were bad and he has to stay there. It's scary.

 And at times like this, I miss my fiance even more, and resent the distance, resent borders, resent the construction of countries all together because these concepts are the reason we're apart right now. 

I think there are some moments, or some days, where no matter how positive or hopeful your disposition generally is, you can't help but feel the sadness and the colder side of things. It happens to all of us, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

The only thing I can focus on right now is my own actions, and kindness. Kindness to my mother, to my self, and to others who are affected by other things happening at the moment. 

I saw my doctor today, lets share some backstory for this first..

I got my ears pierced a week or so ago... at the time I was really nervous because it's a re-piercing*  

And although she cleaned my ear lobe, I realised today that..... both piercings are infected  
I'm not affected by a lot of things but this one was surprising

I noticed it yesterday,  it's unpleasant so I wont describe it in detail, but I can say it was mild~ not super super bad... but definitely infected. So I cleaned it 3 times yesterday just to be super careful.
I thought it was because of the shampoo when I washed my hair, but ... I think it is a metal allergy 

I booked my doctor this morning because I wanted to check if I can manage it myself or whether I need to do something more... 

So I walked in and ofcourse.. an ...I'm a little creeped out by these things if I'm honest so when he asked me whats wrong I can't hide my expression of disgust (LOL)  << <<< 'please check it for me!!'

Well,  he checks.. he said that he can't see the infection now so I'm doing well with the cleaning, but he gives me an antibiotic cream to use also 'any infection will have no chance now!' 

I told Yusuke about it and he says he wants to give me beautiful piercings ... it's so sweet.

He's the sweetest..
Lately he says things and I just don't know if he realises how much it makes me smile. Just the sincere sweetness that I always love about him 

I want to bake him cookies  and I thought... even though I don't especially want to eat cookies myself, I still feel like baking them just for him   

I hope that we can be together again soon