ﾍﾞｯﾄｻﾞﾍﾞﾙﾄのブログ https://ameblo.jp/subakkyandi/ ブログの説明を入力します。 ja I really would ipodfile.jpg



Hey Mr. Superstar, I'll do anything for you, I'm your number one fan. ♪

iPhoneからの投稿 ]]> https://ameblo.jp/subakkyandi/entry-11153364157.html Thu, 02 Feb 2012 20:17:01 +0900 こども ipodfile.jpg



Typically don't like kids at all, but for some reason I adore my nieces and nephews to death. Can't believe Mia is this big already. （；゜０゜）

iPhoneからの投稿 ]]> https://ameblo.jp/subakkyandi/entry-11055241862.html Sat, 22 Oct 2011 01:32:29 +0900 ハロウィン！(◎_◎;) ipodfile.jpg



Ready for Halloween! Hoping my goddamn contacts won't swell my eye again -.-

iPhoneからの投稿 ]]> https://ameblo.jp/subakkyandi/entry-11053319881.html Thu, 20 Oct 2011 01:04:38 +0900 コーヒー ipodfile.jpg



Toffeeチョコレートコーヒーです！
はじめてDrinking This。。
Σ（・□・；）めっちゃおいしいです！


iPhoneからの投稿

]]> https://ameblo.jp/subakkyandi/entry-11052377020.html Wed, 19 Oct 2011 01:46:52 +0900 目はきれい☆ ipodfile.jpg



Got my coastal scents 88 pallet! Impulsively bought it just because I saw a vampire makeup tutorial where they used a rusty color off this pallet. Lol I'm don't need help.... Not at all.

iPhoneからの投稿 ]]> https://ameblo.jp/subakkyandi/entry-11052369223.html Wed, 19 Oct 2011 01:29:45 +0900 dia de los muertos ipodfile.jpg



Papa just came back from Mexico and brought these cute skull head treats back home! Probably don't taste as good as they look, but cute none the less!

iPhoneからの投稿 ]]> https://ameblo.jp/subakkyandi/entry-11051462029.html Tue, 18 Oct 2011 06:38:25 +0900 spike! ipodfile.jpg



The day has come, when I have fallen for spike!

iPhoneからの投稿 ]]> https://ameblo.jp/subakkyandi/entry-11050751147.html Mon, 17 Oct 2011 15:10:21 +0900 nothing makes everything all better again I'm really starting to get fucking fed-up with my immune system and overall health.
All these goddamn illnesses just magically flare up from one week to another and I'm starting to wonder if it will ever end. And it can't ever be something simple. Nope. It's always gotta be something that I have to end up spending over $500 in doctor visits and medicine. I always have to be the 1% or 20% that suffer from the worst part of the virus. And it always seems to be stuff that doesn't have cures. Example; My HSV-1. 90% of people carry the virus, but only about 30% get continuous outbreaks (and is incurable). Guess whose in that 30%? ME!! And then the re-occurent issue I have with my eye swelling up randomly. I still have no fucking clue what the cause of that one is and my doctor is seriously an idiot, I don't know why they don't revoke his goddamn doctors license already. He's too fucking old to be doing this anyways. But he always tells me its just from debris getting in my eye.. uh NO. If that were the case all my family would have the same issue. And I never stay outside for more than 5 mins where wind could lift a piece of debry into my eye. And now I have more fun health issues I get to deal with!! OH THE JOY!!! I should just make it to where I have this giant fucking gathering and party/celebration every time I find out I have a new health issue. I would be partying all the damn time.


This year has just seriously been the worst. But this day more in specifically has just been way too fucking unbelivable. Deaths. Diseases. Family issues. Good friends trying to endure really bad hardships. Financial issues. Oh god and the list goes on for today.


And on top of all this I also have to deal with my depression. Its seriously like WTF?! What point do I have to reach for this to just be enough and stop!? I'm convinced with my luck the next big thing I'll end up getting will be AIDS from working with patients and blood.


I have never cried with so much anger and despair as I have today. I don't know how much more I can handle. I don't know how much more I can take of this life just constantly beating me down with all this crap. The suicidal thoughts just keep coming back stronger each time something else surfaces. I just find it so fucking hard to find the point in it all. What am I really living for? What is so important that I must stay in this world suffering from one thing or another. Why must I put up with all this shit when I could just set myself free from all the misery. When I can just end all the pain, both mentally and physically. I just don't know anymore.


Sometimes when I'm driving I start to trail off into these deep thoughts and get an urge to just spin the wheel violently to where I'd get into an accident that could assure me death. And every time I think about it, it really doesn't seem like a bad idea. I'm too weak to handle this all. I just want the selfish way out. I wish I had the guts to do it right now.


And no one think for a second I write all this for pity. No ones words are that much value to me that I'd sit here wasting my time writing all this just for someone who doesn't understand to come lay crapsterfuck words showing compassion. It's just not like that.


I do believe that if someone with a gun walked into my house right now and wanted to shoot me, I'd find it to be a blessing.

]]> https://ameblo.jp/subakkyandi/entry-10965604614.html Tue, 26 Jul 2011 12:55:30 +0900 あたまがいたい blahhhhhhhhhhhh


I have to stop thinking about home so much..

It just makes me cry and be misrable.


Only place I can be free

and feel happy for a while

is at work.... my co-workers are the best.

They make me smile,

even if its for only a little bit.


Ughhhhhhhhh

Will I ever be able to go back there...



ﾍﾞｯﾄｻﾞﾍﾞﾙﾄのブログ


どしようかみさま。。。

このきもち。。さびしいです。。。

かなしいです。。ひとりです。。。

なんで！！！！！！！！しょぼん

]]> https://ameblo.jp/subakkyandi/entry-10647317889.html Mon, 13 Sep 2010 13:44:07 +0900 このせかいでひとりです。 Haven't wrote in here in what seems months and months ago (´＿｀｡)


Lately, I have such a lonely feeling. Everything seems so complicated.

And sometimes I just want to give up and leave forever. (￣∩￣#


I don't even feel comfortable around my family. Not even around my Mum.

I don't know what to feel.. my only true friend lives miles away from me

and everyone that I once knew

here I have kind of pushed away and isolated myself from them.

We grew apart and they are at different times in their lives. I feel like I truly have no one here.


I'm suppose to be going to Japan in December.

But you know, I'm not as thrilled as I would of thought I'd be. 汗

And each day it gets closer, I realize that this year I won't go back home to London.

I won't go back to the one place I feel I am worth something. I won't go back to the place I love.

I won't go back to where I feel so alive and free, where I feel SO happy. o(TωT )

Maybe Japan will be great and maybe I'll love it as well, but in my heart I feel London will always be my home.

I miss walking in the streets without fear. I miss catching the tube. I miss running to catch the bus and sneaking in the back entrance without paying or scanning my oyster card. I miss the pale sun hitting my skin gently. I miss smelling the air all around Picadilly Circus and Oxford Street. I miss hearing all the different accents from all over the world. I miss being able to just walk to the corner shop at any time and grabbing a quick snack, or better a Rubicon Guava or Lychee juice drink! I miss feeling ....alive.

I would give anything to be able to go back and just inhale everything that is London.

Its crazy. If you told me 6 years ago that I was going to go to London and fall in love with it, I would of laughed and never believed it. I want to go home so bad. If someone were to offer me a permanent stay in London, but with the condition that I would have to give up everything I own and that I would only get to see my family once every few years or something...I wouldn't even think about it twice.


If only dreams came true.


ﾍﾞｯﾄｻﾞﾍﾞﾙﾄのブログ-sabishii


Could it show anymore? lol

]]> https://ameblo.jp/subakkyandi/entry-10646448555.html Sun, 12 Sep 2010 15:14:00 +0900