https://ameblo.jp/yaishaly/ The blog of a beautiful monster... ja Granted I witnessed them in writing (a text message to be exact), but it's still a pretty big deal.

No one in Japan uses the word 「愛」 (ai),"love," anymore.

To express the fact that they are romantically inclined towards some one, the majority of Japanese people use the word 「好き」 (suki), which translates into "like." In the case that your feelings may be considerably deeper, you would then use the word 「大好き」 (daisuki), which just means you "really like" the person.

From my experience, these are the norm in Japan when expressing your feelings for your so-called loved one.
No one actually uses the word "love" in Japanese because I think they find it way too strong of a feeling, and therefore become too embarrassed to say it or express it. Japanese people really have a hard time expressing their true emotions, though the younger generations are doing a much better job at it based on what I've seen since I've been here.

So imagine my shock when I saw these words staring back at me from my phone.
They came out of nowhere too.

It was the night of Valentine's Day. I was at Big Bro's apartment watching Community (amazing show, btw) and was texting back and forth with my boyfriend, who I will call "Lotus" (not trying to be corny, it's actually a reference to his last name. lol) like we always do.

"I'm home! Were you able to move all your things?"
"Welcome back! Yeah, I was able to do it, but it was raining a bit, so it kinda sucked."
"Aww. Well, you worked hard so you should relax now! But you're right, the weather has been terrible lately . I want it to be spring already!!"
"Oh, when it turns to spring I wanna go out with you a lot"
"Me too! We can see the cherry blossoms and stuff. I'm really looking forward to it"

Two hours later (1:30am).

"Shaly, I love you."


My first reaction was "Holy fuck, how much have I had to drink?!?! Am I reading this right?!??!"and after checking the text with Big Bro, and realizing I was only half a beer in, I realized that I wasn't crazy. It really said what I thought it said. So I replied in disbelief, because I know that in Japanese, these are not words that are used lightly.


"LOVE? LOVE, REALLY? ARE YOU FOR REAL??"
"I will love you always. I want to be with you always. The chocolates* were delicious too."

*He's tallking about the Valentine's chocolates I made for him.


I couldn't believe my eyes. It hasn't even been a month since we've officially started dating, and he's already telling me that he loves me, and not only that, but that he wants to be with me forever. Holy bitchtitties.

The last time this happened, I was my normal self and I freaked the fuck out like any other person with skills to rationalize would. This time I was so enthralled by the idea and so excited about it all, that I responded in the same way wishing deep with within me that the reason he was telling me all these beautiful things wasn't because he had been drinking too much or something.


"I wanna be with you forever too! I'm so happy!"


I also did say "I love you," but I took a page out of his book and said it English to make it sound less serious.

You see, Japanese boys, I have found, have this terrible, terrible, terrible habit of saying "I love you" in English to the foreigner girls they want to date/sleep with. This is, again, speaking from my experience. I think that they think that we're expecting to hear that, that because we seem to say it so damn much, that we want them to say it to us in order to justify dating or sleeping together.

To them the English phrase "I love you" seems to be of some cultural importance to foreigners, so they use it because they think you would be upset if you didn't hear it, since it's a part of your culture. They don't understand that although we do say it quite freely (at least when compared to Japanese people), the phrase actually carries a really heavy meaning.

I think it is actually because it has such a heavy meaning that we say it so much: we want to make the people around us understand just how special and important they are to us by putting our pride aside when we admit to loving them. It does have meaning, it's not something we just say.

Though I can see how watching people say it all the time makes it seem sort of meaningless, since things with deep and important meaning are by definition, "special,"and therefore rarely said or heard in daily life conversations. But for who people have been adapted to show affection, and give affection when we want to, and most of the time without any serious repercussions, it's not so much that the phrase is meaningless, but that we're comfortable saying it because we're comfortable with our emotions.

Japanese people, on the other hand, often feel uncomfortable with their own emotions, probably because they feel it can disrupt the emotions of others, and are therefore extremely uncomfortable saying things like that to each other.

That is my analysis.

Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that I said "I love you" in English because I didn't know how to react to his words, because I'm not sure if I love him or not.

This wouldn't work in a relationship where the two people are fluent speakers in English, because that would make me a liar, and eventually he would know that I didn't mean what I said. It works in a relationship with a Japanese man because he understands the phrase means that he is important to me, but he doesn't fully grasp its concept all the way. And that's exactly what I wanted to say, you're important to me.

And he is! Like, I don't remember the last time I was this happy. Everything is rosy, and I always think about him when he's not around, always waiting for his text messages, and dreaming about him when I go to sleep. When we're together I just want him to hold me, or to play with his hair when he's lying on my lap. I even play with his fingers just so I have an excuse not to let go of his hand. Every time we kiss in inhale deeply, and every time he touches me my heart races. When I see his smile, I can't help but to smile back.

Is this love?

I haven't been in love for so long that I've forgotten what it feels like.
I think that's the problem.

The problem is not that I'm not in love, it's just that I'm not sure of the name of this feeling inside of me because I've be estranged to it for so long.

Do I want to be with him? Yes.
Forever? If possible, yes.
Isn't it too soon to be thinking like that? Definitely.
But does he make me happy? Hells to the yeah.
Do you see yourself with this man in the future? I can see it.
Are you willing to see this through? Yes.
But aren't you scared of what may come of it? To death.
Why? He's younger than me, and a perfect specimen, so I don't understand why the fuck he'd want to be with some one like me.
So do you think he has a different agenda with you? At first I thought maybe he was after me for my money, or something like that, but there has been nothing that he has done to make me question his loyalty or his trust, which is super weird. I mean, last weekend he took me to meet his friends at their job place. They work at the jewelry store where he bought my birthday present. They all knew about me, he had told them about what I do and whatnot, and he had even showed them a picture of me.

"Omg, you weren't lying, Lotus!! You're really dating a foreign girl! And she's even prettier in person!! What are you doing with a guy like this one? Is it really ok? Don't you want someone better? I think you could do better."

Why would a guy that has a different agenda with me introduce me to friends that are so quick to judge and more honest than the average person with their opinions?

Thank God I'm attractive, otherwise God knows what they would have said.
He actually told me that one time he brought a girl who wasn't so pretty to meet the same friends, and they pulled him aside for a second just to ask him:

"So, Lotus... that girl? Seriously? What's wrong with you?"

Glad I passed the test.

But taking me to a place where he knew he would be judged by his peers based solely on me is a pretty big risk, and often a less than pleasant experience. I mean, in this case he would lose either way: if I was ugly and unworthy, they'd get on his case for not doing any better, and if I was who I am (which I am), he gets grilled for not being good enough for me, and advise me that I could find some one "better" right in front of his face.

Japanese people.
Who understands them.

So I know that a month (an official month in 4 days ) is too soon to be taking things so seriously, but everything feels so right! It's beyond scary, in all honesty. And the more that I think about it, the more I think that I am actually in love with this person, or at the very least, I really want to be.

So although I'm not entirely sure of what it is that I'm feeling right now, I'm sure that I want to keep feeling it for a long time, so I hope I'm given the chance to.

A special shout-out to the 神 (kami) of Japan, who when I asked them during New Year's to teach me the true meaning of happiness, they brought me a beautiful Lotus about two weeks later.

Now THAT's what I call answering a prayer.

Loves
]]> https://ameblo.jp/yaishaly/entry-11166472545.html Thu, 16 Feb 2012 01:56:05 +0900 When I'm bored I guess, cuz last time I checked I've never been on tour, so...

Anyway, what could this blog that I decided to write at almost 4am be possibly about?
Boys.
Durr.

After my fall out with BK (he never made good on that dinner he promised, and then I never heard from him after that) I was actually pretty set on avoiding the whole boys issue for a while, and was doing a pretty damn good job about it too. And then... then the holidays came. And let's be honest, no one wants to spend the holidays alone, especially in romantically inclined Christmas Japan. Not even all those assholes who decided to ignore me for months and then all of the sudden reappeared in my life when Christmas and New Year's made for the perfect excuse to strike conversation with me again.

Fuck you.
Fuck you and your mom.
Yeah, I went there.
Are you gonna do something about it?
I think not.
Why?
Cuz you're a Japanese boy.
That means I automatically have more balls than you do, and I'm not even male.
Ouch.
Burn.

So, boys. Nothing that I've ever had a problem dealing with before. I should just do my thing and lay down the law as I always do, even if that usually doesn't work in my advantage here because I'm just too strong and forward of a girl for Japanese guys to want to date.

What I really wanna know is... how the fuck, just how the fuck, did I end up with 7 (almost 8) different guys at the same time?!?!?!That's fucking ridiculous.Even by my standards, the most I've flirted with at the same time has been like, 3, and that's pushing it.

Eight guys.
Seriously??
In-fucking-credible.

To be completely honest, I'm writing this blog to put my thoughts about all of these kids in order, cuz I just can't wrap my head around this whole situation without making a chronological list or SOMETHING, at least.

So here, for your entertainment, and for the sake of my sanity, I shall disclose my relationships with all of these men and how they have progressed since we met each other. Where they will go from now has obviously not been decided, so I'll fill you in on that as soon as I know for myself.

I think I'm gonna proceed in the sequence that I met them all in that way I don't miss anyone. With that said, let's begin, shall we?

Kazutomo - My official first in Japan. We met at Alife in Roppongi when he was trying to flirt with Ri-ri and somehow got stuck with me instead. We hit it off really well, and we met a second time not too far later, when I specifically stated that I didn't want to go back home. He took me to his place, and that was that. The whole time I spent "living" in Tokyo was full of occasional slumber parties at his place, which I rather enjoyed, being that he's a really mature man with a very friendly personality, a rocking body, the softest lips I've ever kissed, and an ability in the sack that most would find enviable. Add to that the fact that he's older than me, a total gentleman, AND fluent in English, and you pretty much have the perfect man. I hoped against hope that we would develop that kind of relationship where we're togethe, even though we live a few hours away from each other, but no matter how many times I tried to shoot for something like that to develop, he wasn't really going for it. So now that I've pretty much settled for the fact that I can't have him (unless I move to Tokyo, I guess), we text each other from time to time just to keep in touch. As many of the men you will see here did, he was one of the many who decided to text me during the holidays (he was between Christmas and New Years) to see what I was up to. His parents are from Ibaraki, so he said he would come up here and he wanted to "have a drink," if at all possible. I kept my options open for him, told him what I was gonna do with my time, and didn't get a reply for him until my break was pretty much over. He told me that he had gone on a spontaneous trip with his friends to God knows where, and that he had just gotten back. Well, now I know for sure just how much you really wanted to see me. Thanks a lot. He did say he hopes to see me again "next time." I didn't reply.

Kouhei (21yr old) - We met at Bubble, one of the few clubs that exist here in Mito, when I was fresh into town. I went after him on purpose because he seemed like the biggest bad ass in the club, and he had crazy hair and an eyebrow piercing, so I was attracted by his wild side, if you would. Went home with him that night, which he didn't believe for himself when I agreed to, but it had been a while and I felt like I needed to baptize my coming to this city somehow, as gross as that may sound. The guy was endowed by God with a pretty amazing package, but he was bossy in bed, and I really didn't appreciate that. We saw each other one more time after that, for the same reason, and the last text I got from him on the 26th (lonely at Christmas much?) was asking me when I got off work that day, which I didn't reply to because I knew it was just another booty call. Now, don't get me wrong, booty calls are not so bad from time to time, but this guy likes telling me what to do a lot while we're at it and it makes me really angry for some reason. So I'd rather not see him if that's how it's gonna go down. He was a nice boy though. Loves to have really deep conversations about life when he's not trying to jam his poki stick in your mouth. Who'd guessed, huh?

Tetsuya - He's Ernesto's neighbor, and one really stand up guy that although I was always really attracted to (he's not drop dead gorgeous, but he's got this mysteriously sexy aura about him), for some reason or another I decided not to pursue. I think it was probably because I was involved with other men whenever he happened to drop by one of our regular Saturday gatherings. But he's a really super nice guy who is doing very well for himself at a company which makes electron microscopes. Fancy, right? Well, he's always flirted with me since day one. Telling me I'm beautiful and playfully placing cold drinks on my bare skin to get a reaction out of me. Last time he came to one of our gatherings we were a little closer than usual, I think that was because I wasn't romantically involved with anyone at the time, so the appropriate time finally presented itself to us. Turns out I got a little too drunk that night though, and I might have said some very incoherent or suggestive things... though I do remember him saying that if he got too drunk, he was gonna come sleep at my place, so that was all him. But he ended up leaving with everyone because he was their ride home, and they were bitching and whining for him to take them. Thanks for the cockblock guys. I had managed to ask him if he had any plans for Christmas though, to which he replied that he had none, so I sent him a text a couple of days later apologizing for my behavior (which he said was totally ok, though in Japan that also means it wasn't ok at all, so who really knows), and saying that we should have Christmas dinner together, which we did!! We found out we had so many things in common, and it was really nice to spend time with just him for a change. He paid for everything like a true gentleman and took me home in his sports car to call it a night. He WAS going to come up to my apartment... until some dumb ass bitch decided to park their van on the only free spot available in the complex, so he decided to turn his car around and go home. "No parking. I guess I'm going home." he said. "Oh, do you wanna go home?" I asked. "No, I wouldn't say that..." and with that suggestive comment the conversation ended abruptly and he proceeded to hand me a Christmas present, which I was really surprised by, cuz I had nothing for him. Granted it was just beer, but he gave me a gift when he didn't have to, on top of treating me to dinner. How awesome is that?? So i reluctantly went home after giving him a hug, and texted him to let him know that I had a blast with him. He said he was also very happy to spend some time with me, and next time he wants me to cook something for him, which I was really happy about, cuz that pretty much would seal the deal here. But when I asked when he would come over, there was no answer. I texted him for new years, and his reply included nothing about coming over or anything. I texted him again to let him know I had come back to Mito from my holiday trip to Tokyo, and told him I had gotten him a present from Tokyo. He seemed pleased to hear that, since he put a little musical note next to his "thank you" on the text. That's good, right? But then he wrote this: "I wonder when I should go -__-" and wtf does that face mean? that you're thinking? or you don't wanna come?? or wha?!?! Fucking J-guys and their emoticons. Anyway, I told him yet again that any time was good for me, and that he should tell me when it was convenient for him instead. Also, that when he came over to pick up his present, I could cook him that meal that we had discussed earlier. Answer? Nothing. Figures. And I'll say right now, that out of all of the boys listed here he is the one that I seriously see myself dating, because he's a really good guy that fits what I want in a man right now. But if he starts flaking out on me like BK, I dunno what I'll do because that'll be yet another one that got away. I dunno how a second loss like that could affect me. Granted I'd survive, of course, but I'm sure it would suck more than the usual. Luckily, yesterday (I've been in the process of writing this blog for like, three days now) he texted me asking if I had any plans for the night because he wanted to drop by. Unfortunately for me, Friday nights are one of my longest nights at work (usually get home around 10pm), Saturdays I start work from 10am, and I have a cold on top of it all. So, of course, he didn't come over. He did, however, tell me to take care of myself and to keep warm. Now who knows when he'll decide to randomly text me again, if he ever does. Hurray.

Yuuki - A super nice boy that my Japanese parents introduced me to at one of their villa parties. He was the one to pick me up on the way to the party and drop me off at home afterwards, so we had plenty of time to talk, becoming very comfortable with each other faster than the average boy and girl would I guess. After we met at the villa and we spent such a nice time together, he took me to an expensive oyster dinner and a movie, all paid for by him, like the true gentleman he is. Yuuki is a really stand up kinda guy who wouldn't hurt a fly, and who buys you a bottle of water just in case you get thirsty. He'll seek to entertain you and he will laugh at your jokes even if they suck ass. His heart is just full of rainbows and smiles. He's the boy you want to bring home to mama. The downside to all that? That he's not the boy you want to tear up in bed. I really have a fun time when I'm with him, but he's the cutesy kinda boy that is just kind of average looking, so my shallowness won't allow me to look past that, which sucks ass because he would be such a good boyfriend. I just know it. I really wish I could be more lenient about that certain quality in a guy, but I was made into a superficial bitch that cannot ignore the appearance of others when judging them. Either way, Yuuki was not one of the ones seeking comfort with me during the holidays because our "thing," if you would, kinda ended a little while ago. He actually ended up texting me just because I had sent him a picture of Ryu in a Santa outfit for Christmas, so we just talked a bit about the holidays. You see, after we had our dinner and a movie date, we had a huge fallout because I had decided to settle for BK, who I had met on the same day I met him, and who I liked far more, so I decided to not lead Yuuki onto something that was not going to happen because I would feel guilty if I kept going on dates with him when I really liked somebody else. Yes, I do have feelings. Enough not to want to hurt another person on purpose at least. Unless they deserve it...

Kouhei (25yr old) - We met at a different club in Mito called the Arc. I had first met his friend Rai, a 16yr old boy who's allowed into the clubs in Mito to promote his friend's store, and just because Japanese people don't really give a shit if people are old enough to drink or not sometimes. Rai and I flirted for a while, he was just too adorable and precious to pass up, though it was all in good fun of course because I'm no pedophile, ok? And eventually Kohei showed up and managed to steal me away. He had this air of confidence about him, which paired with his B-boy kinda feel was pretty attractive to me for some reason. We flirted all night, danced together, we were even holding hands at the end of it all, but when it came time to say good-bye, he was nowhere in sight. The asshole had left without saying so much of a word to me. I tried to hunt down his phone number from his friends, all in vain. The next shot I had at him was to go to the event that Rai had been promoting that night at Arc, which would take place a month later. And I went. He was already there by the time I had gotten to the place, and Rai and I had been in contact, so I was filled in about all the details concerning him. First thing I got when I saw him was an apology, which I halfheartedly accepted, because shoot, you better deserve that shit. I don't forgive just anyone, especially some one who blew me off like I was nothing after spending the whole night with me. After that, things seemed to be going well, until he started chickening out again. If I'd approach him, he'd kinda run away, or he'd come back and check on me, and then leave again, or he tried to push other people onto me when he knew damn well the only one I was interested in was him AND HE LIKED ME BACK. Fucking dumbass. So it was cat and mouse all night, until he did the same shit again. Left without a trace. This time I was able to track him down because one of the people he had come with actually had his number this time. What a concept. I called his ass and called him out on being a fucking pussy. No one makes a fool out of me and gets away with it. Not for long, anyway. So after I called his ass out, I never contacted him again. He, however, had the bright idea of texting me and telling me that when I was free we should go take a walk and have dinner. I'm sorry, but I'm not looking for a bitch. If I wanted to date a bitch, I'd become a lesbian, and that's not really on my to do list recently. Needless to say, I never contacted him after that, though he did text me to ask me if I was going to some event, and when I said I wasn't, he said it was ok because he wasn't going either. Wtf?!?! Like, why do you even ask if I'm going if you're not gonna go?!?! Fucking retard. That fell through yet again. Then, on New Year's I got a text from our mutual friend Shige saying that he was counting down to the new year with Kouhei at some place. Oh, I'm sorry! I think you missed the memo that said that I don't care about him because he's a pussy ass bitch that blew me off twice. Kouhei himself then messaged me when New Year's came along to tell me how it had been a pity that we hadn't been able to meet since that last event we were at together. You know, the one he blew me off at? Yeah, that one. And that he was looking forward to the day we could meet again. I replied saying happy new year and yah, until we meet again, which is most likely never unless I'm super desperate and somehow become ok with being with a guy who has no balls. Don't really see it happening though.

Takuya - Yet another boy I met at a club, this time it was at Alife again, same place I had met Kazu. My J-parents had wanted me to take them out to a club with Chai on some random weekend, so we all went there together, and after running my fingers through the selection, somehow I ended up with this dude. But honestly, it was more like he claimed me more than anything. When he first saw me he asked me for my name and he told me he'd be back for me, and kept his promise. He's pretty fluent in English, and alright in the looks department, but his most attractive feature is that as the total opposite of Kouhei (25yr old), he's a manly man, one that goes after what he wants and is not afraid to throw down if he has to. So the whole night he spent it buying me ridiculous amounts of drinks to keep me happy and dancing with me, telling me how much he liked me, and my smile, and my personality, and all this other shit. I hadn't been adulated like that in a good while, so I was rather enjoying myself watching this guy fall so hard for me, drooling all over the damn place. It kinda got awkward after that though. We sorta started kissing and being really physical with each other (I would blame the alcohol, but I know myself better than that), and he started saying weird ass things like he liked me 360% and that he was jealous about all the other guys around me. He even dropped the L-Bomb on me, which I had to convince him out of cuz shit was just getting outta control. No dude, you're not in love with me, extremely infatuated and horny as fuck is closer to the truth, in my opinion. Anyway, the whole fucking night this guy kept revering me like a fucking goddess and made promises of coming to visit me here in Ibaraki and whatnot, which I said sure to because I didn't take it so seriously. Dude was serious though. He wanted to come up here for Christmas to spend it with me until I told him I had made other plans (Tetsuya *cough*), got a text from him at new years asking when it would be a good time for us to meet, and just got a text a couple of hours ago asking if I had time the 28th or 29th of this month so he could come up here to see me. Jesus Christ, I mean, one of the things I enjoy the most in a guy is when he wants me bad, but this dude is like, outta control. It's like I'm a drug to him or something. I dunno what the fuck I did to make him think it was more than a one night thing, but dude is hella sprung on me and I dunno wtf to do. I just thank God that I didn't sleep with him. That would've fucked me over heeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllaa.

Jin - The bassist of the live music band that played at the Christmas party my J-Parents invited me to a couple of weeks ago. Dude is one of those suave mofos who are all artsy but yet good looking, so you're attracted to their sensitive side as well as their looks. Honestly, he was the only male close to my age at the party, and he was attractive, so I just asked to get a picture with him, and the magic just happened. He asked me to send him the picture, which required the exchange of numbers and the such, and since then he's texted me to wish me a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, telling me that he was hoping he would be able to see me again soon. I had all the intention of hanging out with him, but when I started thinking about all of the other idiots I had to deal with, I don't really need one more to add to the list, as attractive as he may be. Still, I'm a fucking idiot and told him that if he was free we should grab tea sometime, to which dude actually put a date to and asked me to go last Tuesday. I, umm, sorta never replied to his text. One of the reasons why was because I was enjoying myself in Tokyo with my besties, and another one because I didn't know it would be so soon and not being able to make it, would I postpone it or cancel it indefinitely? And just how would I do either of those anyway? So I took the chickenshit way out and never answered. I feel hella bad though, so I want to write back to him, at least a reason why I didn't reply, but I have no fucking idea of what I would say. The truth is too mean, and a lie might just prompt him to reschedule our tea time to another day. *sigh* Fml.

Kouhei (27yr old) - The latest addition to the list. This one kinda happened on accident. I had asked my friend Naoki to hang out with the besties and I while they were here in Mito close to new years, and asked him to bring a friend or two to make things more interesting. He brought this dude, Kouhei, who is pretty tall, alright looking, and giggly about every fucking damn thing in the world. I swear, everything is funny to this kid. I dunno if it's because he's nervous when talking to me, or it's just what he does, but he never stops giggling. It's weird. But all in all, he's a really nice dude, and pleasant to be around with, so I enjoyed his company. Talking led to comfortability, which then turned into familiarity, which when paired with alcohol can cause two people to make very poor decisions, like say, make out in my kitchen after getting back from drinking at the Drunken Duck. The whole night he tried to tickle me, just so he could touch me in some way at least, and it was just innocent, playful, flirting. Yes he spent the night, and yes he slept on my bed, but we didn't have sex, which was nice because I can't recall that ever happening to me before... or at least recently. He woke up before me though, and he wouldn't go back to bed, so I got cranky and took forever to get up because I was still sleepy and shit. He was very sweet though. He held me while I slept and he caressed my face until I drifted off to sleep. He's very sweet. Actually, too sweet. We had dinner together when we both got back from winter break, which although he didn't pay for, he brought me an omiyage from his hometown and the next day unexpectedly brought me a bag full of medicine and food in the middle of the night because I was complaining that I had a terrible cold. Who does that nowadays?!?! No one, that's who. That's going beyond the extra mile and back. So, I can't really ignore this guy, I mean, he texts me everyday, continuously, always worried about me and interested in what I'm doing or thinking about. He legitimately cares about me. And... I think I like him. Problem is, I like him, but I don't want him as much as I want Tetsuya. Of course I would go for the one who seems to like me the least out of the two. Typical Shaly. But because of that, I didn't text him back today. Tetsuya texting me yesterday makes me feel like I still have a chance with him, so I don't feed Kouhei sweet nothings in order to put a limit on where we stand, so as not to lead him on any further in case things with Tetsuya take off. I feel so bad though... I was hoping he would text me so then I 'd have to be like, "Oh well, guess I can't ignore this text! That would be rude.", but something was telling me he was waiting for me this time because he was the last one to text me yesterday, and no messages came from him today. I think I'd done fucked up.

So, out of this whole clusterfuck of people, the only ones that I'm really concentrating in figuring things out with are Tetsuya and Kouhei (27yr old). Tetsuya, the mysteriously sexy gentle-man who always made it clear that he was interested in me, always treating me very nicely and looking out for me, but is not too clear about what kind of relationship he wants with me, which he leads me to believe with his lack of communication. Kouhei, the J-rock-loving free spirit that can't stop giggling like an idiot, but genuinely cares about me as a person to the point of driving across two cities to bring me medicine when I was feeling down. Should be pretty obvious, right? No, not when you're a girl and you over analyze everything on top of being born already certifiably insane thanks to some douche hormone called estrogen.

So what do you think??? Who would I be happier with?? The one I really want, or the one I kinda like and sorta want?? Or what?!!?! And wtf do I do about those dudes waiting on answers from me to hang out and shit?!?! I'm not as good at turning guys down in Japan as I was in America. You see, in America I wasn't attracted to all the guys that were trying to ask me out. In Japan, I'm attracted to 95% of them.

Honestly, I don't even know anymore what kinds of questions to ask to get your opinion here. All I can think about right now is how much my neck hurts from typing for so long and how much I have to pee.

Either way, your opinion is much appreciated and will be taken deep into consideration!! So please let me know your thoughts below.

Loves <3 ]]> https://ameblo.jp/yaishaly/entry-11129772516.html Sun, 08 Jan 2012 01:44:40 +0900
Yes, you heard me right. With my pup.

If you weren't aware, you can take your pets on the train in Japan as long as they are in a carrier that fits the size specifications posted in the JR website, along with a small fee for the special service as well, of course.

I had no problems with this, since Ryu is still a puppy, so his carrier is pretty small and was allowed on the train. Either that, or no one noticed it was a carrier with a puppy inside because I didn't pay any fees at all...

Luckyyyyyyyyyyyyyy~~

Either way, my puppy took the ride like a total champ! No crying, no complaining. He was a real trooper. I was very proud of him because God knows that two and a half hours in a train is not the funnest thing to do, especially if you're a hyperactive puppy stuck in a carrier. Props.

When I got to Chai's I gave her a little scare because she had left her door unlocked and I made my way inside without knocking, since I had tried the doorbell and it didn't work. Lawl.

But of course, it was all good times since the beginning, and she had prepared all kinds of amazing food for us to share for dinner! Green bean casserole, Pumpking cheesecake, the works. I was really looking forward to eating all of it because it looked hella delicious!! Haha.

We waited for Sho-sho to come join us, since G-chan was no longer coming due to some unexpected personal problems that arose on his birthday no less (the poor thing), and when he finally got to Chai's, we went out for some light ingredients shopping so we could get the cooking started.

By the time we got all the cooking done, we were starving to death, so we said grace as fast as possible, took pictures of our food, and proceeded to eat!

Shit was BOMB.

Our thanksgiving dinner was once again a total success and we enjoyed time together as a nice little happy family would. I felt very at peace and genuinely happy.

Not only that, but we were able to Skype chat with Crisit first, and then Sun, having an awesome four way conversation with them that included Chai, Sho-sho, and myself!! It was so nice to have everyone together, even if only partially.

Thank God for good friends.

The next morning, though initially planned to celebrate G-chan's birthday, Chai and I were going to go to Fuji-Q Highland park to have awesome adventures in all kinds of crazy rides. Thing is that to get there, we needed to get a bus that either went from Omiya to the park, or from Shinjuku to the park.

Turns out that all of the buses required reservations that we were no longer able to make because either the ticketing service was already closed for the day, or because the requirement for the reservations was of at least four days prior to the departure date and all sorts of other crap. So... the bus was a no go.

We were going to have to wake up at 5am to take the train to Shinjuku and figure out a way to the park from there.

Super.

It would have been a bit less painful if we wouldn't have stayed up all night talking about crazy things like people eating poop or mosquito bite titties, but those are the kind of times that I enjoy the best. The kind that although have no real purpose and are ridiculous beyond belief make you smile like a fool and you remember them forever. Wish I had those more often because they don't really happen anymore... Shame.

Somehow we did manage to wake up in time, but somehow took two hours to get ready.
Wtf.

We all made our way to the station, said goodbye to Sho-sho once his stop had been reached, and Chai and I made our way to Shinjuku station. There we asked at the "green window" for a way to get to the park from the station, and we got a train ticket directly towards the park. It was kind of expensive, almost the same as what I pay every time I go down to Tokyo, but hey, we were going to Fuji-Q, so who cares.

During the train ride Chai dozed off, and I tried to as well, but something wouldn't let me sleep soundly. I don't know if it was because I was anxious about missing the right stop, or because I was too excited to be going to the park, or what. But after an hour and a half or so, we arrived to Fuji-Q.

It was time for wrecking havoc.

We got our "Free Pass, " about $50, and we had to take a picture to make our pass completely official.
Crazy times!!

I must mention we saw one really gorgeous boy right off the bat that looked like Kyo-chan.
Deliciousness.

We started wandering around the park, not knowing exactly where to go first since we weren't bright enough to grab a map when we got inside. We did go back for one though, and decided that our first ride would be the 「ええじゃないか」 (Ee ja nai ka) roller coaster.

We had to wait for an hour and a half, but shit was hella fun! It goes upside down a bunch of times, and it's pretty fast so it really gets your adrenaline going. Not to mention that the damn catchphrase gets stuck in your head after you hear it a million times while you wait for your turn. It was a good way to pop our Fuji-Q cherry and we even got a picture for memories.

We're laughing with our mouths wide open and in Chai's words, her hair looks like it exploded.
It's a good one. Haha.

Having had no real breakfast, after this ride we were pretty hungry, so we made our way to the food court and got us huge, and I mean HUGE, bowls of rice to eat for lunch. Chai got some fried shrimp bowl, while I opted for the eel rice bowl. It was quite delicious and full of energy!

The Japanese believe that if you're ever feeling really tired, or like you're running out of energy, you should eat eel to recuperate your strength.

I made a good choice.

Excuse me while I pet the warm puppy sleeping on my lap for a moment. <3.

Back to the story, we finished eating and decided to wait on the big rides so as not to throw up everywhere when we were riding them. So instead we rode the "Mouse Trap" roller coaster, and that shit was just horrible. Though it was really small in size, and seemingly harmless, the damn thing jerks you so hard from side to side when it turns that it physically hurts you!! Not to mention that the turns we really sharp, to the point where you really fear for your life.

Never again.

After we were done with that horrible ride we figured we should digest our food while we waited for a really awesome ride that would probably take a while to get to. So we lined up for the "Fujiyama."

This ride was...
INTENSE.

Super fast, all sorts of loops and drops, and lasted for a good while. This was my favorite ride of the day because it was really, really good. Will definitely do it again if I ever go back.

However, after this ride we realized we were kind of running out of time, since the park would close at 6pm and it was now around 3pm. We had to tackle all of the big rides before leaving for the day, so we lined up for the next one--「ドドンパ」 (Dodonpa).

The dodonpa was ridiculous. The thing can reach a speed of 172km in 1.5 seconds so when you're waiting to be launched, the anxiety just fucking kills you. You're just waiting until the countdown begins and then you're suddenly shot like a friggin' bullet.

I did try to scream from all of the adrenaline and anxiety I had built up, but the damn thing was going so fast that the sound from my scream was completely drained out. It was crazy. Kinda short, but definitely an insane feeling to be going that fast.

After we were done there, it was time to face the baddest of them all: 「高飛車」 (Takabisha). This roller coaster is just the craziest shit you'll ever ride in your life. Why? Simply because the damn thing has a drop of 120 degrees.

YES, 120 DEGREES.

You have no idea of how many times I thought to myself that waiting in line for this one was not the brightest idea I have ever had. When our turn finally came I had to tell Chai that I loved her because I seriously thought that I was going to die on this one.

It began in total darkness, just like Space Mountain, with drops here and there that you were not aware of in any way and thus made you scream like a little wuss. After a while in the darkness of a tunnel we finally made it to the outside only to face a wall of completely vertical tracks that didn't seem to end.

Our car went up those damn tracks.
I was sure I was going to die.

Once it reached the very top, it stopped at a high inclination facing down as if wanting to show you the path to your death. I closed my eyes in terror and prayed to God that I wouldn't die.

But then a curious thing happened.
The drop had finished and I didn't feel a thing.

I felt so ripped off. All of the anxiety went into climbing those damn vertical tracks and once the drop actually happened, it wasn't scary at all!!! Pfft. All that freaking out for nothing.

It was fun though, and climbing that high did definitely get me close to shitting my pants, but the drop was definitely not what I had expected it to be.

By this point we had ridden every single one of the main roller coasters at the park and we felt pretty accomplished!! We went to a souvenir shop and got omiyage for some friends and coworkers, and then took the train back to Omiya, where we got ourselves some McDonald's for dinner and little Ryu was waiting to be fed at Chai's.

After eating a mixture of the new コロッケ (koroke) burger from McD's and thanksgiving leftovers, we really had no energy for anything else, so we went to bed. It had been a really exciting day, and now it was time to make up for some of that lost sleep.

The next day we had breakfast together and left Chai at work on my way to the station with Ryu. I headed to Shin-Okubo where I went to buy Crisit's Christmas present, and my usual K-Pop goods.

For those of you who don't know, I have a little tradition of going to Shin-Okubo everytime I go down to Tokyo to buy a K-Pop mug. Every time is a different group or artist that I listen to, and my collection has gotten quite impressive. I think I have about seven now.

The last two I got were Super Junior and F.T. Island.
They're perfect.

After that I finally made my way home only to find out that G-chan was in Shinjuku after I had just left the damn place. I really wanted to see him to check on him and make sure he was doing well after all the stuff that had happened on his birthday, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. Maybe some time soon we can meet again.

After getting home I fed Ryu and spent the rest of the day vegging. A good way to finish such an eventful weekend.

And that was my thanksgiving!! Not a perfect one, but a damn good one for sure because I was able to spend it with the friends that really do care about me, and that I of course, really care about.

Love you all <3!!

PS: I forgot to mention that Ryu bit Chai while we were staying with her because she tried to take away from him a piece of tissue he thought was food. This made me really upset. I don't want my puppy to grow up to be the kind of dog that is comfortable with biting people, so I'm on a serious path to making him stop biting completely. He's gonna learn one way or another that this is not acceptable.

Wish me luck.
]]> https://ameblo.jp/yaishaly/entry-11093205319.html Tue, 29 Nov 2011 23:02:27 +0900
And what better timing to be grateful than during this time of the year! Thanksgiving was spent at home doing absolutely nothing, but I am on my way to Chai's now to cook a delicious dinner together and celebrate properly. Can't wait!! And I just wanted to tell you all that one of the things I'm most grateful for is having friends like you! Those of you who actually take the time to read all the crap I write are my closest friends in the world, so thank you so much for always being there for me.

I love you all <3!!!

Really, really do.

Going back to Wednesday's story, the day began like any other, really, except for the fact that I could sleep in a bit longer since it was a holiday.

I decided this day would be used for winter clothes shopping, since I was freezing my ass off everywhere due to the fact that the only clothes I brought with me to Japan were spring/summer clothes. So, I got ready, fed the pup, and rode my bike to the station.

On my way to the station though, I ran into what seemed to be either two junior high, or really young high school students, also riding their bikes in the same direction.

Now, I see students running around all the time, so it's no big deal, but this was the first time one of them actually talked to me.

That was new.

As I passed them on my bike, through the music blaring from my headphones I heard a "Hello!" and in English, no less.

I turned around to this kid smiling at me from ear to ear and giving me a look that had "what's up girl" written all over it.

I was so taken back by his flirtatious attitude that I laughed to myself and said hello back with that enticing smile that older women use to tempt young men in the movies. He wanted to play, so I played along.

That boy...
What a flirt! XD

I rode past them as fast as I could. After all, I didn't want to give them any crazy ideas. Like the 16 yr old from a few months back that wanted to lose his virginity to me.

No...
Thanks though.

Anyway, it was all in good fun, so I wanted to leave it at that. As luck would have it, however, the crosswalk I had to go through made me wait for forever, and they caught up to me. I waited for them to say something, and they did.

Now, keep in mind that the next conversation happened completely in English because I want you to give these boys props for trying.

"Where are you from?"
"I'm from America."
"Oh, America."

Silence.

"Boyfriend?"
"No, no boyfriend."
At this point the quiet friend tells the flirt in Japanese that what I'm saying must be a lie.

"Oh! Here! Boy, boyfriend!"
As he messes with his quiet friend who is now dying of embarrassment.

I laughed at their silliness and crossed when the light finally turned green. As I was crossing the street though, I was cat called by a group of young men driving a truck that was turning onto the crosswalk.

What are the chances?

I finally made it to the station and decided to check out the shops before heading to Uchihara AEON Mall, which was my final destination.

As I passed a gyudon place on my way to the shops, I saw a super gorgeous guy inside eating with his friend. I wanted to go eat there just so I could stare at him some more, but I had been looking forward to the KFC at the mall, which I always eat when I go there. So, I chose me over some dude for once, and kept on going.

Ran into him one hour later.

I was at Marui when I saw him again and my eyes almost popped out of their sockets. We crossed stares, but he didn't seem interested. He did, however, run across a mirror which he used to fix his hair.

Did I make you feel a bit self-conscious? Who are you trying to look good for, pretty boy?

My game was ON that day.,
God damn.

I should also mention that I ran into Keita, the bartender I had a thing for that flirted with me in front of his girlfriend like a fucking idiot and got into a fight with her over me, at the ABC Mart. We were shocked to see each other, and he didn't really look like he wanted to eat me with his eyes, like he has some other times, but he did seem in a hurry to get away from me and I didn't know why. So I just gave him a big condescending smile and kept on truckin'. A few seconds later I saw some one awkwardly smile at me out of the corner of my eye but since I didn't care for who it might've been, I ignored said person and kept walking. Turns out it was Keita's girlfriend. I think she might've gotten the wrong idea from the situation, where I just said hi to him and ignored her, but I swear it wasn't on purpose. I didn't expect to see her there, much less smiling at me. Wtf lady. She probably thinks that I still have a thing for him now, since it looked like I just wanted to talk to him and completely blew her off.

Oh well.
Who needs you guys anyway?
Chickenshit guy who has to avoid me to keep his relationship stable yet still tries to get in my good graces because he can't stand the thought of me not liking him anymore,, and hillbilly girlfriend with kicked in teeth sporting a bowl cut.

Yah, have fun with that.

Either way I found some awesome deals at the shops though, which made me almost give up on my trip to the mall, but that KFC was calling my name, and I needed to get a pet carrier for Ryu there too, so I went there anyway.

While shopping for the carrier, my stomach started to feel funny. I bought the damn thing and a new shirt for the pup and ran to the bathroom to see if my suspicions were right. Turns out they were.

Unexpected period.
HURRAY!!

Nothing I had never faced before, so I just grabbed some feminine products out of my bag and proceeded to fix the situation, except I was missing something vital in order to do so successfully--Ibuprofen.

All of my pain killers were chillin' at home while I was trying to shop for much needed clothes feeling like I was going to bleed to death.

Super.

Being as there were no drug stores in the mall, I had to suck up all the pain and continue as if it were no thing but a chicken wing. Thing is that I can't even remember the last time I went without pain killers for my cramps because if I didn't take them, I would suffer from an intense pain that when accompanied by a high fever made me cry my eyes out until I passed out from a combination of all of the above. Shit's no joke.

So needless to say, I was pretty much scared for my life at this point, but I decided to see it through because I really needed these clothes. I got my shit together and headed over to the food court for some of that much needed KFC hoping that some food would do me good.

I got my food and scoped out the available tables. Spotted one with a good looking boy and what seemed like his father, so I made my way there so I could have something pretty to stare at while trying to forget how much pain I was in.

As I sat down both of them stared at me and began to talk to each other. I couldn't hear exactly what they said because I had my headphones on, but their body language was enough to give me an idea of what was being said. It went as follows:

Father points at me subtly.
The young guy tilts his head slowly to the left and turns it slightly to the right.
Father gets up, as if pretending to leave.
The young guy waves his hands frantically while laughing.

My interpretation:

"Oh hey! Check her out! What do you think?"
"Hmm, I dunno... she's alright."
"I'll leave you two alone then."
"Nononono!!!"

It was amusing to watch, but nothing really came of it, so I just ate my food and tried to suppress all of the pain I was going through. I did cross stares with him as I was leaving, but he didn't do anything about it, so I resumed my shopping excursion. Later some dude scoped me out and did the whole turn around thing, but in the end just kept on walking too. Seems like I was a hot item that day, dunno why the fuck. But even if that were true, it doesn't really matter because Japanese boys don't have the balls to talk to me, so whatever.

In any case, I went around the mall and found shit. I did buy a new pair of brown high heeled booties, and some thermal shirts to keep me warm underneath all of my fancy fashionable clothes that I wanted to buy but couldn't find at the fucking mall. So since there was really nothing for me to do there anymore, and my stomach was killing me, I headed out to catch the train back to Mito station, and go shopping there instead, where I had found some sweet deals I wanted to take advantage of.

I get to the station and it looks like I've just missed the train. Others come by but none of them seem to go the direction I need them to, so I'm stuck waiting in the cold and toughing out the pain for about an hour before my fucking train finally arrives. At this point I'm just dying to go home and curl into a ball, but I really needed some winter clothes, so I was gonna see it all through. Finally arrived at Mito station some 15min later.

I went shopping and found all sorts of amazing clothes for really cheap and that made my whole day a lot better. I shopped until closing time, and I felt really bad because I actually kept one of the shops open while I was still looking. When I worked retail I hated it when people did that shit, so I understand the way those poor clerks must have felt with me hovering all over their shit when they're trying to go home. At least I did buy stuff from their store, so I guess they can't complain that much.

After I was done shopping I got my bike and made my way home. I have a feeling that on my way there something else boy-related happened, but I can't recall what it was. The one thing I do remember is that by the time that I got home it was really late and my stomach didn't hurt anymore. It was like a miracle, because I have never been able to tough out my cramps for a whole day without medication. I felt really good about it too, because if I had a choice I wouldn't take the damn pills every time that shit happens. Feels like I'm slowly poisoning my body to death.

So I got home, fed my pup, and proceeded to try on all of the wonderful clothes that I had acquired. I tried a bunch of different combinations and made sure that everything looked as good as I imagined it would.

It did.
I was finally ready for winter!!

Now it was time to write a blog about the student who asked me out the day before. I stayed up till 3am to write that damn thing, and that's when the most horrible thing of the day happened.

It began when Ryu woke up from his nap. He started squealing in a really high pitched tone and began to bite his ass like crazy. I had no idea of what was happening, but the sound did freak me out because he sounded like he was in pain. He didn't look like anything was wrong with him though, so I just dismissed it as him having an itchy butt, which happens. After 10min of the same thing, however, I knew that it had to be something more than that, and I began to worry about him, so I let him out of his crate.

When he came out of it, he couldn't walk.

When he tried to run or walk, he would immediately sit back down and began to drag his butt all over the floor, trying to bite whatever was bothering his ass. Thing is, there was nothing there! I checked and checked over again, but I couldn't see anything out of the ordinary. Ryu, however, kept squealing and crying, making me really uneasy and worried about whatever was happening to him.

I took him to the shower and tried to clean his butt to see if that would solve the issue. I gained nothing out of it except for a dirty towel, and suddenly the squealing began to get louder and scarier.

I was so distraught from not knowing what was happening to my pup that I began to cry begging him to tell me what was wrong. He, of course, was unable to answer.

I picked him up and took him to bed with me. He was really sad, and very quiet and still, unlike his usual self, so I was very sad to see him like that. I decided to make him sleep with me on the bed that night, just to make sure I could be close to him if anything happened, and then early in the morning take him to the pet shop to see if they could help me in any way.

We were finally able to go to sleep after a while, curling up under the blankets together like I always dreamed we would, except that I knew he wasn't feeling well, so my happiness was only partial.

In the middle of the night though, a huge earthquake rattled my apartment for a good 10sec or more, which woke both me and Ryu up from our nice sleepy time. When I checked him he still looked pretty upset, but we both went back to sleep as soon as the earthquake stopped.

When my alarm went off early to take Ryu running to the pet shop, I woke up and checked on him to see how he was feeling. His face was still very very sad looking, and he still couldn't walk right, so I decided to check his butt again to see if the situation had changed.

When I did, there was a piece of plastic sticking out of it.
The stringy kind that holds the paper tags to brand new clothing.

Asking myself what the fuck that was doing there, I proceeded to pull the piece of plastic slowly, as not to hurt the pup. When I took it completely out it was covered in feces and a little bit of blood, and it had been a pretty good length deep in too.

I tossed it in the garbage, and before I knew it Ryu started frolicking around like his usual self, running around in high spirits as always.

You had no idea of how relieved I was to have survived that nightmare. I swear that every time he squealed in pain my heart broke into a million pieces. He needs to stop eating shit like that though because I don't want a repeat of that episode ever again.

Needless to say though, I had very little sleep--writing a blog till late, trying to figure out what was wrong with the pup, surviving the earthquake, and then waking up early to run to the pet shop with Ryu, if needed.

Not the best day ever, but an eventful one for sure.

And today promises to be another wonderful day in my life, so I should go get my beauty sleep. Next time I'll let you all know about my fun thanksgiving adventure with Chai!!

Toodles~~

]]> https://ameblo.jp/yaishaly/entry-11092348008.html Tue, 29 Nov 2011 01:22:31 +0900
*Sigh*

What exactly am I talking about? Well, I'm talking about the fact that another one of my students pretty much asked me out yesterday.

So, let me begin by telling you this kid's backstory and how the situation developed.

His name is a version of "Hiro," so let's call him that.

Yes, I apparently have a thing for Yusuke's, Kazu's, and Hiro's.
But don't ask me why because I haven't the slightest idea.

Anyway, I have been his teacher for about two months or so. Maybe more. He was going to be in Big Bro's class, and so I taught him once before he officially became Big Bro's student, but there was apparently a change in his schedule after a couple of months or so, and he eventually became my student.

Figures.

I will be honest with you. When I first met him, we were the only people in the room because everyone else somehow managed to be absent, and so there was a lot of tension between us. Why? Well, because he is a good looking dude, and I'm a good looking girl, and he's a young man, and I'm a young woman, so... nature running its course, for lack of better terminology.

The tension, however, was mostly from him. He's a Japanese male, which means he's really shy, which means when I'm teaching him he will never look me in the eye, and if we happen to make eye contact, he will move his head in the other direction fast enough to give himself whiplash. I say this in the present tense because it happens till this day. Makes class a lot more awkward than it needs to be.

But I somehow managed to teach him something that day, because as good looking and distracting as he may be, he's not paying my bills, so professionalism and etiquette are my priorities. Work before pleasure, as the saying goes.

Nothing improper was said. No flirting was allowed. Just had a normal class, like any other day.

At the end of it all, I said goodbye to him because I thought that would be the last time I would see him, granted he was not a steady student of mine, and he asked me if I was going back to America, which made me giggle.

No, silly. I'm not saying good-bye because I'm going away! You just have to go to your actual teacher from now on.

"Oh..."

Silly boy.

So that was that.
And then he became my student.

Now, when he became my student, I knew, something was gonna happen. I didn't know what, and I didn't know when, but I just saw it as inevitable. It was gonna happen. And I'm sorry if that makes me sound like I'm stuck up, or really fully of myself (which may not be too far from the truth), but I've been in this situation before a few other times, so I'm quite familiar as to how it usually pans out. And I may be many things, but ugly I'm not, so it was just a matter of time.

So I just waited for a comment with a double meaning, for a gesture, or for some kind of sign that he wanted me to be more than just his teacher.

That sign never came.

Yes, he was really shy during class time. Yes, he never dared to look me in the eyes, but after like two months without anything actually happening, I figured he was just a shy dude. Hell, I even thought he had a crush on one of my other students because they always talked outside after class.

He was just, not interested! And that was totally fine with me, because I didn't have to deal with the awkwardness of it all.

Sweet relief.
Or so I thought.

Yesterday a large number of students were absent again. Besides Hiro, there was only one other student in the class. But it went as usual. I taught, my students learned something (hopefully), and then we all went home.

But no so fast.
Seems Hiro had something to tell me after the other student went on his way.

"Hey Shaly..."
"Oh! Yah? What is it?"
"Umm... when I get my car... umm... you, shopping, your dog..."
"Wait, what? Haha. Can you repeat that?"
"Well, when I get my car next month, I can take you shopping with your dog. I'll show you a nice place."
"Oh...! Well, thanks...! I'm-I'm looking forward to it."
"Yah! Umm... I'll give you the information, ummm... later."
"Oh, umm, ok..."

Oh boy. Here it is.

So, being as this was a highly awkward moment for me, I grabbed my things in a timely fashion and made my way out. When I went outside, Hiro was on his moped either getting ready to go, or waiting for something. I really couldn't tell which one. So I asked him if he was ok.

"Oh, yeah! I'm fine."
"Oh, good."
"So, you live really close to hear, huh?"

We ran into each other one day close to the grocery store that's almost right in front of my apartment.

"Oh, yeah! I live in Senba. Really close to the shopping center."
"Yeah, I know! We ran into each other, remember?"
"Yah... we did, didn't we? Haha. I live in the Heights. Do you know where that is?"
"Yah! Actually, that day we met, I saw you come out of your apartment. Haha. You know, you live really close to me! Like, really close."
"Oh, really? Haha. How funny..."

I really meant to say "How weird."

"So, did you walk here?"

Why? Are you gonna take me home on your bike??

"Oh, no! I came in that." -> points at bicycle
"Oh!! That's yours?? Did you buy it??"
"No, it's not actually mine."
"Oh, the school lends it to you?"
"Yah!"
"I see. Well, when I have my car, I'll take you shopping to a nice place with your dog."
"Thanks... I'm looking forward to it."

I should mention that this conversation was all in Japanese in order to explain my next point.

During class, Hiro was very sleepy, so I had to continuously ask him if he was ok. He had mentioned that that night he would work from 11pm to 6am, so I had my doubts as to whether he was gonna make it or not. So after our lengthy conversation, I told him:

「ちゃんと起きてね！」 -> "Chanto okite ne!" -> "Wake up properly, ok?" (aka "Don't fall asleep at work!!")

He heard:

「ちゃんと来てね！」 -> "Chanto _kite ne!" -> "Make sure to come to class!!" (aka "I wanna see you!!"??)

Notice how one missing letter makes all the difference.

"...??? What do you mean...? Like, every time...?"
"...??? Oh! Nonono, I said, wake up!!"
"Oh! Haha. Ok, maybe I will."
"Maybe? Haha."

So while I was trying to get him to wake up for work, he thought that I was telling him that I wanted to see him.

Yikes.

I got on my bike and said good-bye.
Left without looking back... but with a smile on my face.

Ok, I'm not gonna lie. It was a nice feeling. First, just the confirmation that my initial suspicions were right was satisfaction enough. But on top of all that, the dude is good looking, has a nice personality, and he looks like the really caring kind of guy. So, he has the potential to be a really good guy to go out with. However, dating a student, is just... so awkward, in many many ways.

First, let me point out the fact that he's about 21 years old.

Now, to be fair, that's not that young. It's pretty passable as far as age differences go, but the last guy I seriously dated was his age too, and it was just such a terribly painful experience. I'm sure you all know who I'm referring to.

Having to teach the younger person what to do, how to do it, and when to do it is just so tiring and annoying.
I don't have the patience for shit like that anymore. I barely have it for my puppy, much less for some kid who's just ultimately trying to get in my pants.

This is actually a really fucked up thing for me to be saying, since the person that I loved the most in my entire life was 7yrs my senior, and he must've had the most horrible time ever trying to teach me what I was doing wrong and showing me how to properly handle a relationship. So, now I should be the one willing to do the same for someone else, but I tried, and found out that I can't. Or maybe I just wasn't able to because I didn't love the kid, and that's kind of a big part of it all. When you love someone, truly love someone, you will let many things slide and be as understanding and forgiving as possible. However, I didn't love him, so I couldn't take any of his ignorance.

Spartan though, Spartan truly loved me. That's why he let all my shit slide and taught me how to become a better person for the sake of our relationship.

Wonder if I'll ever be able to love like that again.

Probably not.

Moving on.

So he's young, there's that. Then there's the fact that because he's young, he doesn't really have much going on for himself. He's a college student working part-time at a 7-Eleven, who plays videogames on his spare time and really dislikes his family.

Super.

So maybe I shouldn't be one to judge, but I'm not at an age to date someone who doesn't have a steady lifestyle going on. Play time is kinda running out, and it's time to start thinking about having a serious relationship and settling down. So, keeping this in mind, I need a MAN, first and foremost, not a BOY, who has a stable income and is sure about what he wants out of life. Being young, having hopes and dreams, it's all wonderful and great, but I'm way past that stage, and if what we both want doesn't coincide, then the relationship will inevitably fail.

*Sigh*

But of course, the most awkward thing of all is the fact that when I teach class, he will be there, and everything that may happen outside of class, will in one shape or another, come up during the lessons.

That is not acceptable.

I can't teach a proper class with someone making googly eyes at me the whole time, or sharing with everyone all the things he did with me over the weekend, without meaning to or on purpose. Then on my side, it's really hard to concentrate on teaching a class when all you think about is making out with your student, and hoping it gets you to at least to third base. Or maybe you start concentrating too much on not singling him out, so you give him less chance to speak or participate. Or maybe you do let him participate, but you get on every single one of his mistakes because you think you have the right to go there now, or because you want him to improve more than the rest of the class due to your new-found favoritism.

Ugh.

So many things could go so wrong, and so fast too. Not to even mention that I don't even know whether my school is ok with these kinds of relationships or not. I wouldn't be ok with them, so why should they? I don't know. The thought of a teacher dating a student, is just so... I dunno, dirty? I just don't have a good image about it at all.

But hey, all he did was tell me that he wanted to take me shopping with my dog once he gets his car. Maybe he's just being nice! Maybe it doesn't mean anything at all. So why am I dragging this out into this long ass account when we haven't even talked outside of class more than once?

Because I'm crazy. That's why.

And yet... sometimes, I'm just way too good at reading people.

Either way, I'll keep you updated on the situation.

Any advice on the matter will be deeply appreciated though.

PS: Haven't heard anything from BK since that dinner talk. Starting to wonder if it's really going to happen, but it's easier on me now that I know I have a possible back up. Bahaha.





]]> https://ameblo.jp/yaishaly/entry-11087575270.html Thu, 24 Nov 2011 01:05:24 +0900
I must say though, that the colors that come with the fall season in Japan are definitely worth seeing. I especially like the yellow leaved trees that are surrounding the lake recently. When I take Ryu for walks around the lake I enjoy looking at their bright color, and it somehow always manages to soothe me.

The power of nature is truly a marvelous thing.

On a less moving note, I'm currently watching Rush Hour 3 on TV. It has been a really long time since I've seen any of the Rush Hour movies, but when I was in my middle school days, that's the only thing I ever really watched!!

Believe it or not, the first Rush Hour movie helped me through one of the scariest moments in my life. At a point in which I had thought that I had completely lost my sanity, the silliness of Chris Tucker combined with the amazing skills of Jackie Chan somehow made the world seem like a better place. I will forever be grateful that as ridiculous as these movies are, they still exist to make me smile. Thanks Rush Hour. Throur.

My hands are freezing. Time to get my pink fuzzy fingerless gloves.

Fingerless gloves? Check. Knitted sweater? Check. Fuzzy socks? Check. Grandma-ish fleece for my legs? Check.

Good to go.

My apartment is fucking cold as hell right now. I need to get a damn heater of some kind. That would be nice not only for me, but also for the pup. I keep worrying that he's probably freezing to death in his crate, because although I know he's supposed to have his own little fur coat to keep him warm, he looks so skinny and frail to me because he's still such a young pup that it makes me think otherwise.

So, being the overprotective parent that I am, I bought him a puffy jacket to make sure he'd stay warm. However, when I took him to be groomed at the pet shop today, I think the owner advised me against making him wear any kind of clothes because Shiba-Inu are not really the kind of breed who normally subject themselves to that.

At least I think that's what she said.
I don't know exactly.

This is a problem that I have with probably 95% of the Japanese people I meet here by the way,
Because I show some kind of ability in the Japanese language, they speak to me like I can understand every single word that they're saying.

Well, I can't.
But I'll take it as a compliment, I guess?

I honestly don't know what's the deal with that, but sometimes I'm really baffled at how much they throw at me when they can perfectly tell that I can't understand what they're saying. Oh well.

The other side of that coin is that because I can speak Japanese to some degree, it automatically makes me a "half."

"Half" = half Japanese, half something else

The being barraged in Japanese doesn't bother me so much. Again, I guess I should take it as a compliment meaning that they regard my Japanese as sufficiently fluent enough to be talked to in that manner. A good sign that I definitely learned something in school.

This one though... this one always makes me angry.

Why do you ask?

Well, wow, thanks! You think I'm cool enough to be part of your people? That's so sweet of you.

Well no, it doesn't work like that.

A half is not a Japanese person. A half is a sorry imitation of what a true Japanese person should be. And call me what you want, and say that I'm wrong in thinking this way. I will respect your opinion. But to me, the fact of the matter is that a "half" is a person who although has Japanese ancestry in them, will never be a true Japanese person in the end. They're like freaks of nature. An accident. They will never be embraced the way that full blooded people are.

This is a sad, sad thing.

Japanese people place so much importance in the homogeneity that defines their culture that they leave no room for anything different to thrive within it. Yes, they will learn and adapt things from other cultures, but they will never be truly an outside thing because they will be adapted in a way which suits Japanese culture perfectly. That's where we get all the crazy Japanese versions of everything that has been invented or been popular outside Japan.

They only thrive in Japan because they are introduced in a Japanese manner.

Sigh.

Again, call me any name you want. Say that I'm wrong in seeing things this way, and show me anything you like to make me change my mind. Actually, it would be a nice change if you could. Seems like things haven't progressed at all since the last time I read a Japanese history book.

But I digress. The point here was getting to the fact that I hate being called a "half," and for many reasons.
One is because I don't even look like one. That should be the first clue as to me having absolutely no Japanese ancestry (that I'm currently aware of).

Really? Do I look Japanese in any way to you? Did my eyes give it away? Or was it the fact that my skin is naturally brown and that I have more hair on my body than you do in your entire head?

Probably too much information there, but I was just trying to make a point.

The answer to all of these would be, of course, a resounding no. Then why? Why does everyone insist on branding me as a "half" when they know damn well that I don't fit the description of one in any way?

It is because... foreigners can't speak Japanese.
Therefore, if you speak Japanese, especially with a slight degree of fluency, you MUST be a "half."
In their mind there seems to be no other explanation.

How can this foreigner speak Japanese? Well, it can't be because she started studying Japanese by herself since she was 14 and then majored in the language in college along with a major on Japanese studies. It must be because her mother is Japanese and she married some American guy somewhere, lived in America for a few years, and now they're back in Japan. Yah, that sounds about right.

Attention, dear Japanese people.

Attention.

FUCKING ATTENTION PLEASE.

Just because your language is difficult, and is only spoken in your country, does NOT, I repeat, does NOT make it impossible for others to learn it. Why are you all so bent in the belief that the Japanese language is so unique that it would be impossible for some one who is not Japanese to speak it? Whatever gave you that silly idea?

Look, my first language is Spanish.
Does it look like my English skills are lacking in any shape or form?

I can probably write essays ten thousand times better than the regular college student in America, and most of them will be native speakers of English. This is not only because I'm probably just smarter than them (yes, I will go there considering the bright minds that have graced our universities recently), but just because I can spell correctly and use grammar appropriately when required to do so.

Not a native speaker.
Pretty much mastered the language.
Jelly?

It does happen, believe it or not. People who are not of the descent the language they study is from can become fluent in it, if you weren't aware. But before we get too carried away here, let me say that I'm in no way shape or form fluent in Japanese, I'm simply just trying to make clear that non-Japanese people may also be able to master the Japanese language without having to have any Japanese ancestry. That is all.

I think that is the major reason why I get so angry at being called a "half." Yes it bugs me that you say I look like one when I know damn well I don't and you're only saying that I do because you can't wrap your head around me being able to speak the language "so perfectly," as they usually put it. Yes it bugs me that the term "half' means some one who will never be completely Japanese, but I'm not Japanese, so I could never be full even if I wanted to. Why even bother then? But what really does bug me the most is that just because I wasn't born here, or because I don't share the same history as the Japanese people, it automatically makes me too stupid to understand anything about this culture. Oh, because I neglected to mention, that it's not just the fact that they don't deem outsiders able to handle the language, but they also deem Japanese culture too intricate for outsiders to understand.

You will never know how many times I have heard the phrase "You wouldn't understand. It's Japanese culture." from people who actually appreciate me and care for me in some way.

Well, I'm sorry that I will never understand what you mean, because it's "Japanese culture."
But have you ever read the Kojiki?
No?

Oh, the Nihon Shoki perhaps then?
No?

The Pillow Book, The Tale of Genji????
NO?!?!?!

Well... that's awkward... seeing as all of those things have a deep connection with Japanese culture that I'm deeply aware of and yet you are not.

Huh.

Look, I won't pretend to know everything about Japanese culture. If I did, I wouldn't be here trying to learn about it first hand. But don't try to convince me that just because I wasn't born into a Japanese family that that renders me unable to understand Japanese culture. Maybe I won't get it in its entirety, for there is only so much one can learn in one life, but again, don't make me out to be a moron just because I wasn't born into all of this. You may be surprised at all the things that I can rub in your face with my knowledge about this culture if you push me far enough. Like the fact that I have to correct the Japanese people frolicking around the lake every time I'm taking Ryu for a walk because everyone asks me if he's "Shiba-ken" ("Shiba" breed).

It's not Shiba-ken, it's Shiba-INU,

Learn some Japanese, God.

Enough of this talk though.
Feels like I've been drinking too much Hatorade.

To be fair though, I have been bottling this up for a long time. I'm glad I could finally let it out somehow.

Looking at the brighter side of things, I received a text yesterday that made me smile like a fool:

hey sorry for the late reply
i've finished the work at last. i was too tired
it's really getting colder, isn't it?
i'm afraid i already have the plan with my boss and coworkers tomorrow
then 23th isn't holiday for my company
i'm sorry again

i'm thinking when we can meet.
next weekday i may go on a business trip to tokyo.
if ok, i'll stop mito on my way home that night to have dinner with you

--BK

So... yep! Looks like not all is lost just yet .

By the way, any idea of what "next weekday" might mean? I'm gonna have to hope that by "weekday" he actually meant "weekend," because on weekdays I usually work until 9pm or later, which is past people's usual dinner time...

So, it would really suck if the one time he actually can meet me I can't because I'll be stuck at work .
Let's hope this works out somehow. Fingers crossed!

I really want to see him
]]> https://ameblo.jp/yaishaly/entry-11084653186.html Sun, 20 Nov 2011 22:17:18 +0900
Do you ever have those moments when you think to yourself and wonder, "Am I the same person I have always been?"? If you have, then chances are you want the answer to be yes. I don't think anyone likes the idea of having been different than what they are now because chances are that you are happier with your current self and don't want to think that in the past you might have been something you were not really proud of. Of course, there are those who may feel differently, after all, humans were given free will so that we may all differ from each other. In either case, today I asked myself the question posed above after a series of events that made me feel like a stranger in my own skin.

Who the fuck am I? Am I the same person I have always been? Have I changed completely from my old self?

Well, today started like any other day, really. But hold on, let me get the depressing music going on so I can make my entry a little bit more emo. OH! Except I like this song (Kuroki Meisa - #1). Maybe after this one then...

ANYWAY, I took Ryu for a walk outside after getting ready, and the weather was looking pretty louzy. The sky was super gray and it was cold and drizzly as well. Not the best weather to be taking a pup outside in, but I know he doesn't like to spend the whole day in his crate when I'm at work, so I have to take him out so he can enjoy himself a little bit before mommy has to leave for work. So it was good exercise, no doubt about that. I was even able to walk Ryu for a bit without his leash. I kind of dream of the day when he'll just walk beside me without me having to force him to. I think that's the day I'll know that I definitely have a companion for life. That, or the day that he becomes my sleeping pillow. Either one of those things would be amazing.

What is not so amazing? The fact that I must be honest and say that pretty much the whole time I was walking him I wasn't completely into the experience because my mind was too preoccupied with boy drama.

"Why doesn't he text me back?"
"He probably doesn't like me anymore."
"No, he has to like me, cuz I'm fucking awesome."
"But... ugh."

And things of this nature, to quote a certain personality that I'm quite fond of.

How sad is it that I can't even walk my dog in peace anymore? What the hell is wrong with me to make my priorities so skewed? A man comes and goes, this puppy is stuck with me forever. When did I become so pathetic as to ignore what is truly important in my life for things that shouldn't even be an issue? I'm very disappointed in myself, I really am.

Maybe that's why Ryu snapped at me when I got home today. I let him out, like always, and we were playing together as we always do, and like a good boy, he went to poop in his toilet. Now, he is a puppy still, so he has this thing where he loves eating his own poop, so he treats it like food. And while I was trying to clean the traces of poop he managed to get on the floor somehow with some toilet paper, he got a bite of the toilet paper and began to eat it. I, like the retarded person I am, tried, for his own good, to take the piece of paper back, but what did I get? A huge bite in the middle finger of my left hand. I was so angry that he bit me so hard that I hit him. Thing about it is, when I hit him, he didn't back down, he only got more angry.

Someone takes after his mother.

We got into a huge fight in which the more I raised my voice at him the more he barked and the more aggressive he got. I tried to catch him several times and every time I got a hold of him he got really menacing so I had no choice but to release him. I chased him around the house for God knows how long and had to give up when he hid under the coffee table. Didn't have the balls to stick my hand in there.

"Didn't have the balls."

The only thing I never had the balls to do in front of people was sing, because I had huge stage fright as a child. But after I beat that, there was nothing I was afraid to do for my own sake or for the sake of others. This time, however, I really didn't do what I was supposed to do, which was put the pup in his crate and ground him for being an insolent little brat, and all because I was afraid that he was going to bite me. I'm disgusted with myself. When did I fall so low as to lose to a puppy in a fight?!?!

What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!?!
Who the fuck is this person staring back at me in the mirror?!?!?!

The person I used to be would lose to no one, except her own mother because she owes her respect for giving her birth, and even then I made my mother cry on occasion when I firmly believed she was wrong in her way of thinking and challenged her openly. So this little weakling here, afraid to get bitten by a puppy, I don't recognize her in the least bit.

Where is the girl that devoted herself to karate for three years?
The girl that enjoyed getting the crap beaten out of her as a test of strength??
The one that understood fully that without pain there is no gain???

She's gone. She was left in Germany the moment I chose to go to college in Seattle.
What a pity.

To add insult to injury, today I did something I never, and I mean, NEVER, thought that I would do. And maybe to you this won't sound like such a huge deal, but to me, having supposedly had the same way of thinking for 24 years, cannot really come to terms with.

I had coffee today.
Twice.

"OMG, DRAMA QUEEN!! SO YOU HAD COFFEE, WTF IS THE BIG DEAL?!?!"

Again, as I said before, this doesn't come across as something that is life changing for many, but for me, it really is.

I have hated coffee ever since I can remember. Just the smell of it made me sick to my stomach, and the taste was even more unfathomable. Even living in Seattle, the world's capital of coffee and where Starbucks was born did not make me change my mind on the subject.

I hate coffee.
Always will.
Period.

Well, turns out that as well as I thought I knew my own tastes, I was wrong.
I don't hate coffee.

I NOW, actually, enjoy it.

How did this come to be? Well, about a week ago, I had a private lesson with a student on Thursday in which I was falling, literally, asleep. On Thursdays I'm especially tired, and I'm not entirely sure as to why, but I often find myself yawning and dozing off during my classes, which of course, is not the least bit professional of my part. It has to stop. Or so I thought.

On my way back to Mito waiting for the train I had this crazy thought as I stared at the vending machine next to me.

"If I had coffee... would it wake me up? Would it not make me feel as tired and allow me to do my work properly as I'm intended to?"

It was worth a try.
After all, it's either find a way to not fall asleep during work, or face the possible complaints of my students, or worse.

So, I tried it.

They had an Oreo blend coffee that I thought would probably be the best fit for me, since I actually enjoy Oreos and have no idea of what the fuck a frappuccino or cappuccino or any of those crazy coffee blends mean. I figured this particular one must taste like Oreos, so let's just go for it.

It... it wasn't bad.
I liked it.

I didn't know it was possible for me to like coffee. I was really set on my ways about it, and I was sure that I was going to hate it forever, but somehow this one was made just right. I had nothing to complain about.

The coffee didn't help me to wake me up in any way, by the way. I think I have an immunity against caffeine that renders it useless against my body. I was more shocked at the fact that I was able to drink all of it without spitting it out or throwing it away though. THAT was crazy.

I came across the same vending machine yesterday before having my lesson with that same student that I fell asleep on last week. I decided to give it one more shot to see if it would help.

Again, my body is pretty much immune to caffeine, I have decided, so it was useless.
Still, the taste was quite enjoyable.

Today, however, there was no vending machine to tempt me, but suddenly I remembered that not only does my school offer all students hot tea for free, but that we also had instantaneous coffee, along with some cream and sugar to nullify the bitterness of the darn thing.

So what did I do?
I made my first cup of coffee for myself.

Shit was amazing.

I drank it rather quickly, further pointing to the fact that yes, indeedy, I do like coffee now. After that was done with, I had to switch to the school by the station, and there too did I make myself a cup of coffee.

Two cups.
One day.
Unbelievabe.
(For me.)

So I just keep asking, what kind of person have I become after all these years? The kind of person who doesn't know anything about herself anymore? One who doesn't know how to prioritize? The kind that keeps fooling herself into things or thinking about matters that should have no real consequence in her life?

The answer is...
I don't know.
I don't know who I am anymore.

One thing does comfort me though...
Just saw a picture of Ji Hoon oppa graduating from the army and I began to cry.

Glad to know I've remained true to some part of myself.

Fuck this though.
I'm going out for doughnuts.
]]> https://ameblo.jp/yaishaly/entry-11082572671.html Fri, 18 Nov 2011 22:33:20 +0900
Why am I here writing this though?? I dunno, honestly. I think it's mainly due to the fact that Chai and Sun suggested I blog about my life, though I dunno what good it'll do me to talk about the crap that bothers me and makes me feel like shit. I just think that if I talk more about it, then I'll think even more deeply about it too, which will actually just make the situation worse for me instead of helping me through it. I use videogames as an escape. I'm not really used to writing to release my emotions and the such... though when I was a child I did it a lot. Curse technology for replacing the good old ways! Except, not really. I do prefer it this way.

How should this entry officially begin though....? First, I guess I should mention the fact that I've been trying to chat with my friends for forever, but the internet is being a piece of shit, so I can't really do that. Maybe I should also mention the fact that Ryu is biting my couch like it owes him money or something. I really wish his teething was over with. That would be cool. But the weather is nice! I should take the pup for a walk to see if he calms down. He's crying now because he was behind the TV, and although I told him to get out of there a bunch of times, he refused to listen. SO, he's grounded in his crate. I won't have my pup raised to be an anarchist.

Anyway, let's see here... the real reason I wanted to write a blog today is because there is something that has been bugging me for fucking ever, since I came to Japan. What might that be? Well, if you know me well enough, your answer should be "men." If that wasn't your answer, then God bless your heart, you're too kind.

But what could possibly be wrong between me and the men in this country? Well, the first problem is, they have NO interest in me, which is kind of a huge setback. As popular as I may have been in the states, to Japanese men I'm apparently the cute girl that is just way too incredibly cute to be approached in any way (according to what they have personally told me), so therefore they never approach me no matter how interested they may be. This then, shows to me that they have no real interest, for if they really did, they would take a chance, no matter how slim it may look, to try to talk to me and initiate something. So, in simpler terms, they like me, but they have no balls to show it, so they actually don't really like me.

Talk about conundrums, huh? Another mystery that should be accounted for is why I have decided to begin almost every single paragraph in this blog with a question. That's bugging me, but I don't feel like rewriting it all, so whatever. Let's continue.

I have had quite the few escapades while in Japan already. In six months I have met more than 20 men who were interested in me in some way or another, and actually have slept with three of them. Hurray for me. But sleeping with someone doesn't really require much. It's actually way simpler than people may have you think. And that's where things go wrong... when you sleep with someone without any actual feelings for the person, and somehow you stupidly hope that something good will come out of it. It's not the greatest way to start a relationship, in all honesty; and the stupid thing about it all is that although I understand this, I don't follow my own advice on it. Stubborn till the very end I guess.

But my latest escapade actually didn't involve sex, which was a shocking thing for me, and the reason why I thought it would work out well. But, alas, it all seems to have been in vain yet again. Let's begin at the beginning, which would make sense.

I met him at the Halloween party at the Drunken Duck. The Duck is my usual bar, one that although I use to frequent often, now that I have the pup I haven't really got the time to enjoy. But, it's a good place nonetheless! Super friendly staff, hot bartender, the works. Either way, I was pretty sure the party was gonna be a dud. I got there super late after having been to my J parent's party at their villa, where I had already met a nice boy for the day. Guess one is just not enough to satisfy this Beautiful Monster.

He was with a friend and what seemed like a date for each, so I was really bummed out at the fact that he may have already been taken. However, I had been drinking for a while, and was only on my way to drinking even more now that I was at the Duck, so I didn't give up so easily. I was feeling sassy. Also, the fact that his friend and him were the only J guys left at the party, left me no other choice but success.

I waited for the appropriate moment to approach him, which took a while to happen, but as I expected, eventually did. Him and his friend went for a refill at the bar, luckily on the section that is secluded by a wall that divides the tables from the kitchen area. Perfect chance to attack.

As the bartender snapped a shot of him and his friend, I photobombed the hell out of their picture.

"Omg, I'm so sorry!!! I think I was in your picture. I'm really very sorry!!!"
"Oh nononono!! It's totally fine!!! Please, take a picture with us!!!"

And so it began. The usual "why is your Japanese so good?" and "you're such a bijin (beautiful woman)" talk.
Luckily all things that I'm very well versed in. So we talked the night away, flirting like I've never flirted before. Chances like these don't come very often!

"So, do you have a boyfriend?"
"No, I don't! It's impossible for me to make a boyfriend here because Japanese guys are so shy. I don't like shy guys."
"You don't like shy guys?"
"No, I really don't."
"Then I won't be shy. I won't."

Smooth sailing as far as I was concerned. His friend was a little sad because he could tell that I was way more into BK (let's call him that for now...) than what I was into him, so he kinda gave up on me and let BK have it all, which was what I wanted too. Not to mention that BK is his senpai, and if you know how Japanese social norms work, you will understand why he had no choice but to let BK win this round. He did help me out greatly though! Mentioning often how "love love" BK and I were with each other. BK only agreed, but also kinda rubbed it in his face, which was a little sad.

The night went on, and the party eventually did come to a finish per the bar's staff. We all had to go home, which meant I had to walk home and he had to take the train home to Hitachi, which is aways from here. However, it wasn't good bye at all. He insisted on walking me home, which I was more than happy to hear, so I of course took him up on the offer.

We left his friend at a karaoke bar where his other pals had been waiting for him, and we made our way to my apartment. We walked talking about God knows what. We were both highly intoxicated, so I can barely remember what it was about. What I do remember, was how he kept trying to hold me and protected me from every car that came up or down the street.

"What are you doing?! I'm fine!! Haha"
"No, I have to protect you!!"
"Protect me?? Why??"
"It's the samurai spirit."
"Samurai spirit??"
"Yes. We [Japanese/samurai] have to protect the women that are precious to us."
"Is that so?? Haha! Well, thanks!!"

By the time we had arrived to my place, we were pretty much a couple, which was weird, because it was just entirely way too fast. But it was time for goodbyes, so he called a taxi and we waited for it together at the base of the stairs leading to my apartment.

"You know, next year I think my company is gonna send me to Detroit."
"Detroit?!?! Why?!?! That's like, the most dangerous city in America!! Haha"
"Oh really?? That sucks!! Haha. But, my company needs someone there who can speak English, so my boss is thinking about sending me, since I can speak a little."
"Wow! Must be a big honor, huh? Your boss must think very highly of you!"
"I hope so! Haha. Anyway... won't you come with me?"
"...?? What??"
"Come with me to Detroit."
"Wait, what? You want me to go with you?!"
"Yeah. "
"But... I wanna stay in Japan! That's why I came here!! I don't really wanna go back to America! Besides, I have my work and stuff... I don't know if that's possible for me right now..."
"..."

I wish I could remember what it was that we said after that. I think I just got up and pretended to try to spot his taxi because that conversation was just way too awkward to continue. Yes, I like you. Yes, I wouldn't mind dating you. But I'm sorry, did you just ask me to move to Detroit with you after like, 4hrs of knowing each other? Wow. Umm... ok?? I swear, I'll never understand how J men think.

Anyway, I got up and tried to look for the taxi, but nothing was in sight. He got up and he hugged me from behind... for a long time. He leaned his head against mine, and sparked within me a feeling that I haven't felt for a while--the feeling of your heart racing not because something amazingly attractive is in front of you and it's making your pants feel funny, but because you're scared that you might actually feel something real for the person you're sharing that moment with. It was a very sweet moment indeed, but I think a little longer, and I would've crapped my pants. I'm not used to feelings like that anymore.

His taxi eventually arrived. There's a really big blurr between the hugging, the taxi arriving, and what happened next, because all I remember is the taxi arriving, then blackout, then somehow we're kissing. Haha. When I think about it, it cracks me up because I don't understand how I can remember everything else, but those 2 secs between the taxi arriving, and how we ended up kissing are completely absent from my mind. The human mind on alcohol! Seldom a good thing.

Either way, we kissed. When I came to and realized that we were kissing, I told him I wanted to see him again. I think he said the same thing, but with a mouthful, it's kind of difficult to talk/understand what is being said. Haha. We said goodbye, he went home, I went to bed.

The next two weeks we spent texting on and off due to his busy life as a salary man. We couldn't meet earlier because our schedules didn't really coincide, so there was nothing that could be done about it. So, I went on a date with a different guy (yeah, say something. lol), had a good time, and spent the rest of the time anxiously waiting to see him again.

"Shaly, I want to see you!!"
"Really? No way! Haha"
"No, I seriously do."

The wait was finally over last week, when we were finally able to meet on Saturday. I actually had to confirm that he was coming because he got really flakey and didn't text me for about a week before the day we were supposed to hang out. But he assured me that he did want to see me, and that he would be here on Saturday.

So I went to the station to meet him, to which I was apprehensive to because I was really scared that he wasn't going to be as good looking as I remembered. Alcohol works wonders, if you weren't aware. So I waited for him until a very attractive man approached me. He was decked out in a stylish purple scarf with feathered hair, black framed glasses, a gray cardigan and timberland boots. I was like, omg, who is this gorgeous dude coming my way?!?! Oh, it's BK. LAWDL.

I must have given him the biggest smile in the world when he came close to me, probably not because I was happy to see him, which I genuinely was, but even more because I was so relieved to see that his attractiveness was not due to all of the alcohol I had drank that night, but because he really is attractive. Can you say, SHALLOW? I know I can.

So we started making our way to my apartment complex, where all my coworkers and I meet every Saturday to cook dinner and enjoy videogames and the like together. He was nervous beyond belief. It was adorable. He used polite Japanese when addressing me, and he couldn't even look me in the face.

"Can you please stop talking like that? It's weird! Haha"
"I'm sorry, but I'm just so nervous! I don't know what to do."
"But you're older than me! I should be polite to you, not the other way around. This is weird, so just stop it already! Haha"
"Haha! Ok, ok, I'll stop it!"

We walked to my place smiling and giggling the entire way. English and Japanese were used at random, we both needed the practice.

"What's the thing that shocked you the most about Japan?"
"The thing that shocked me the most?? Hmm, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about!! Haha"
"Oh really? Hmm... 2nd most shocking thing? Haha"
"Haha. I guess I'll just tell you. The thing that shocked me most about Japan is that Japanese boys don't like me! In America I was quite popular, but in Japan, no one talks to me. They're not interested!"
"Nononono, you're wrong. It's not that they're not interested!! They are, believe me. It's just that, well..."
"What is then? Because I don't understand it at all."
"Well, I think it's because you're too cute!"
"Wait, what? Wouldn't that make them want to talk to me more, since I'm cute?"
"Well, see, you're too cute to be approached! That's the problem. You're way too cute, so guys probably feel it's impossible to approach you, so they don't even try."
"But, if they don't try, how do they know for sure that it's useless??"
"Yeah, exactly. Haha. They won't! But I approached you, right?"
"What are you talking about?? I approached YOU! Haha"

We walked some more and as we got closer to my complex, and things just got more mushy by the second!

"You know Shaly, I'm definitely excited for the party with your friends and all, but what I really wanted was just to spend some time with you. Just the two of us. I'm really glad we could take a walk like this."

He then extended his hand to me, to which of course, I responded by giving him my own.

"How do Americans like to hold hands? Do you just hold a hand within the other, or do you link fingers, or how do you usually do it?"
"Oh, I don't know! I can't remember because it's been a while. Haha"
"Haha. Ok. Let's see how it works out then."

So we held hands until we got to my place, where he met Ryu. Ryu, of course, was super excited to meet him, since he really likes people for some reason, so as always, he peed everywhere. His tiny puppy bladder lacks control due to his young age. After meeting Ryu, we headed over to Simo's place so he could meet everyone else. He thanked everyone for "inviting him to the party," to which everyone was highly confused about because I was the one who asked him to come. I think what he meant to say was "thanks for having me," but either way, it was more than adorable.

He had a good time with everyone. Everyone had a great time with him. It was a huge success! But then, the D&D session the guys hold every other Saturday began, and since I'm not nerdy enough to partake in it, BK and I made our way to my place. I fed Ryu, and we couldn't make up our minds as to what to do, so we just stayed there. Turned on the TV, talked a little. Nothing too crazy.

Then he asked me to scoot closer. And that's when the whole mess began.

He asked me to get closer, and so I did. One thing led to another, and we started kissing. Kissing led to me climbing on top of him, and that led him to undo my bra, to which he must have set a world record for, because I swear it only took him, like, a millisecond. Enough said.

Anyway, an invitation to the bed was made by yours truly, and do you have protection was asked by the party that needed it, but somehow, the thing didn't materialize. We stayed on the couch, holding hands, half drunk and half asleep. Don't know how it ended up that way.

It was around 11 when he said he had to catch his last train home because he had work the next morning. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but that's the life of the Japanese salary man--selling his soul to his company for God knows what reason.

So we kissed goodbye, and he ran to the station as fast as he could. If he didn't make it there in 30 min, his last train would be gone, so he disappeared quite quickly.

The next morning I got a text from him thanking me for inviting him to the party, telling me he had a great time and that he hoped I could enjoy my day off from work. I texted him back, but an answer never came. This is when I started to get upset.

I waited until Wednesday to text him again. I told him that I hoped that work wasn't driving him too crazy, and that I was cheering for him. I also told him that I really wanted to see him again, and that I didn't know how he felt, but that I would like to know. I figured this time I should be the mushy one, since he's always the one to go out on a limb with that stuff. I can compromise.

No text came and it was Saturday again, the day I had hoped we could meet. My J Mom had invited me to a party at her villa again, to which she said I didn't have to attend if I had a date with BK. But the date I had hoped for never happened, so she made me go with her to the villa.

The party had a bunch of older people, so it was fun to a certain extent. Not the crazy party fun a young lady is used to though, of course. There was a younger 34yr old man that was semi-attractive. I'm pretty sure my J-rents were hoping they could hook me up with him, but that didn't happen. The dude was way too shy, and expressed very very little interest in me. Well then. There goes another one.

I came back home on Sunday. It was a beautiful day outside, so I decided to take Ryu for a walk around the lake. Before I went off, I decided to text him one last time, just in the off case he had forgotten I had done so earlier, or some stupid bullshit hope like that.

"It's a beautiful day today! I'm gonna go take Ryu for a walk so we can enjoy the weather. Hope you can enjoy the weather too =)"

The whole day passed without an answer. A whole week without any word from him.

A bijillion things went through my mind, particularly the idea that I was the one that had fucked it all up somehow. What could I have possibly done wrong?? I responded to all of his advances positively. I gave him the opportunity to practice English with my friends. I took him to my apartment and very freely offered myself to him, which was probably not the most decent thing of me to do, but it was just that kind of moment. Where the fuck did I go wrong?

I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, he's the kind of guy that detests easy girls. Was I too easy for him? Kissed the first day we met, practically almost fucked the second time... yah, the record's not looking to be on my favor there. But then again, isn't what a guy always wants in the end--sex? So how could it be wrong that we were messing around? And if he didn't like that kind of stuff, why didn't he stop me? God knows he only exacerbated the situation. He showed no signs of being disinterested about what was happening.

So I'm left a blank as to why I'm being ignored. Every angle I pose for myself in order to arrive to a decent explanation for his absence, is always beaten by a piece of logic that is probably irrefutable, like the fact that most straight men only think about sex.

So what do I do? Do I just wait? Should I give it time, and if so, how long exactly? Should I call all the other guys waiting in line even though he's the one I'm truly interested in? Decisions, decisions.

And the worst thing of it all, is that it wouldn't bother me so fucking much if he wasn't so damn close to what I'm looking for in a man. He's handsome, older than me, smart, funny, strong, direct (most of the time), but secretly sweet and wanting me, or at least, that's what I thought.

God only knows wtf is wrong with me and men here. When it looks like it's going amazing, it's just bull. And when it looks like bull, it's just bull. Peachy.

Funny story though! As I was typing my fingers off doing this blog, my phone went off:

"So sorry for late reply I was really busy working and coming back to hometown (nagasaki) for friend's wedding ; i hope you have a great holiday!!" --BK

Well... what do you know about that? Don't even know where to go from here.

Please let me know your opinion as on to how I should proceed based on what you have read here!!

I'm afraid to go at it alone









]]> https://ameblo.jp/yaishaly/entry-11078403651.html Mon, 14 Nov 2011 17:43:32 +0900 皆さん、こんにちわ　！

じゃ明日はね、私とジェイソン君（ニールさん）の発表をするはずだ！実はね、私はすごい舞台負けがあるから、発表をする時にメチャナーバスになってしまうかも　　。しかし、ぜったいがんばります　！よろしくお願いします!

発表の話題は 『米国の影の歴史に迫るヤングアダルト向け「裏米国史」』 だって、最近に発行された『学校では教えてくれない本当のアメリカの歴史』と言う本についてだ。学校で前に知らなかったアメリカの歴史が教えないから、この本を通じてそんな歴史が分かるそうだ。明日はそんな「裏米国史」についてもっと説明してあげる！

記事のURLはこれ：

『米国の影の歴史に迫るヤングアダルト向け「裏米国史」』


URLはもうよくなかったら場合に、下に見てください！


米国の影の歴史に迫る　ヤングアダルト向け「裏米国史」

2009年10月15日14時31分

　アメリカ大陸の発見者と言われるクリストファー・コロンブスは実は金の亡者だった――。米のそんな影の歴史にスポットをあてた、ヤングアダルト向け歴史書『学校では教えてくれない本当のアメリカの歴史』（鳥見真生訳、あすなろ書房）が出版された。　

　８０年に出版され、ベストセラーとなった『民衆のアメリカ史』のダイジェスト版だが、前作より読みやすく、扱っている時代も長い。著者のハワード・ジンはボストン大名誉教授で、国際政治学者、劇作家。ユダヤ系移民の子として生まれ、『テロリズムと戦争』など、多くの著作を世に送り出してきた。　

　本作では１４９２～２００６年を対象に有色人種、女性、貧困層といった社会的弱者、迫害を受けた者の立場からアメリカ史を振り返る。　

　ハイチに金があると思いこんだコロンブスが原住民に金を持ってくるように命じ、持参できなかった者の手を切り落とさせた話や、リンカーン大統領が、実は奴隷解放よりも米連邦から独立した南部諸州の再統合に関心を持っていたエピソードは、目からうろこ。　

　また、キューバ独立という大義名分のもとに内政干渉の形で始まった１８９８年の米・スペイン戦争の話などを読むと、他国の戦争への介入を繰り返すアメリカがどうやって生まれたのかが、よくわかる。上下巻、各１５７５円。（宮代栄一）


じゃ、また明日ね！

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]]> https://ameblo.jp/yaishaly/entry-10407646106.html Thu, 10 Dec 2009 05:24:34 +0900 こんばんわ～！　

今日はサオリとアヤノとチャヤとレストランで韓国料理を食べたよ～　！



すごくおいしかった、ハングアウトもとても楽しかったよ～　！

アメリカでは色々な国の料理がレストランで食べられるのね。私は大学生だし、自炊時間があまりないし、いつもレストランで食べるとか、デリバリーやテイクアウトでたべるのは普通。　これは多分、体によくないけど、自炊できないから、仕方ないね。いつも忙しいもん。

よくで食べるレストランはもっとももファストフードだ。マクドナルドとか特にケンタが大好きよ　！もちろん、ファストフードでたくさん油があるし、これも体によくないけど、いつも食べてしまう。安いだし、味もいいし、本当に大好き　！

でもね、レストランでよく食べるのはお金がすごくかかるから、毎日出来ないよ。お金がない時に、家でらめんやキャップヌードルのような安い食べ物を食べる。ホットドッグやパスタもよく食べる、作りやすいだし。しかし、これも悪い食べ物だよ～！健康によくない食べものを食べてるばっかようにみえるのね～　

年がだんだん経って、ぜひ太るよ！こわい　！（笑）

皆は「シャリどんな時に本当の食事を食べるかなぁぁ」と思ってるかも。実は、私は料理を作るのが大好きよ！時間がある時に、祝日とか、大きいごちそうさまを作るよ！色々な料理も出来るし、毎回違う食事を作ってみる。ファストフードより１００倍おいしいよ！自炊できれば、本当に嬉しくなる　。彼氏も嬉しくなるよ　！

飲み物は私の一番大変な問題だ。水やミルクがあまり好きじゃないし、いつもペプシを飲んでる。毎日３本ぐらい飲むよ。これ本当にやばいけどさ、やめるのはできない！子供のころから、哺乳瓶でペプシを飲んだ、あの時からよく飲んできたのせいで。

こんなに悪い食べ物を食べてやめた方がいいね．．．　
運動もあまりしないし、本当に太るよ！　
やばい～～～～～～～！！！！　

みんなはどんな食事を毎日食べるの？知りたい！
コメントして、教えてちょうだい　！


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]]> https://ameblo.jp/yaishaly/entry-10396555980.html Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:24:29 +0900