https://ameblo.jp/yumixuan/ Thoughts, things that tickle me, and the occasional angry rant. ja
Sometimes, you talk to me and we have a long conversation - considering you and your hatred of texting. Other times, you ignore me. I guess I'm annoying, but I want so much to talk to you, ask for your opinions, hear you tell me things will be okay.

I always feel a tug on my heart when your face appears on my facebook newsfeed. Nothing you ever say or post is for me. I'm just... gone. I can't change my profile picture because it's my favourite picture of you. I look at the pictures from your birthday party and I remember what you told me about never feeling so loved in your life and I can't help tearing up. I tried so hard.

Life is hard, you say. Life is never fair. That's true, isn't it. People work hard for the things they want and if they work hard enough, they get it. But I can never work towards having you back in my life because you don't seem to want me in yours, despite telling me you treasure my friendship and you'd very much love to still be friends. You talk more to your other friends. If I don't text you, you just don't talk to me at all. Is there anything at all I can do..?

I have to try to eat, try to be happy, try to forget the pain. Too many people are worried about me and I don't like it.

All I can do is continue trying. Let time do its job.

But I miss you so. I really, really do. I remember every little thing about you. I wonder if you remember things about me, if you miss me, if you wish I were still there sometimes. I miss your voice. Your smell. Everything about you.

How many more months of this will I have to bear with till you're just a little bittersweet bit left in my heart?
]]> https://ameblo.jp/yumixuan/entry-11315148439.html Sun, 29 Jul 2012 18:07:56 +0900
I hate it. FB is evil.

I think of how, right now, some other girl might be falling in love with you and how you might be interested in her........ and I can't bear it. I want to be the one you think of. I want to be the one you love, the one whose hands you want to hold, the one you want to hug and kiss and make love to.

Those girls...... can any of them ever love you the way I do?

It breaks my heart so that you wouldn't even give me a chance to prove I could make you love me the way I love you.

I never had a chance. All I was was patient. Patient and forgiving and as understanding as I could be.

And this is my reward.

I'm feeling rebellious. I want to hate you. I want to hit you. I want to punch your chest - pound away as hard as I can in an effort to make your heart hurt as much as mine does.......... but it probably never will. And I can never do anything to hurt you because I love you so damned much. And I can never hate you because I feel nothing but love for you.

I miss you so much. I go to bed missing you, and I wake up missing you.

I don't want one of those girls on FB to be the one you miss the same way I miss you. 
]]> https://ameblo.jp/yumixuan/entry-11306007212.html Wed, 18 Jul 2012 20:51:07 +0900

I think you might enjoy making me cry.

I'm so, so happy you actually bothered to send me flowers and were so sweet to me over the phone.

You even imposed your favourite colour on me.

There was so much I wanted to say, but couldn't. I'm crying again.

I really don't understand why we can't stay together.......

I love you so.



Android携帯からの投稿 ]]> https://ameblo.jp/yumixuan/entry-11301881809.html Fri, 13 Jul 2012 22:44:00 +0900
I kept thinking of him throughout the meal and how our first "date" was so weird but fun. I didn't know he thought it was a date. 

Ma Maison makes shitty Hamburgs, or hamburger steaks, as they call them. Ansel makes fucking awesome burger patties and I miss them like crazy already. 

I miss him so much. I wonder if he misses me. 

Android携帯からの投稿 ]]> https://ameblo.jp/yumixuan/entry-11301102027.html Thu, 12 Jul 2012 22:40:00 +0900
How can I explain that I know he is the man I want to be with? 7 months isn't a terribly long time to be dating someone, but it isn't terribly short either. He makes me so very happy, and there is so much I have to give. I wish I knew how to turn back time so I could fix this. Cook more often. Learn more about wines. Read the Economist. Do whatever it takes to endear myself to him. Make him fall in love with me. 

I wish he never told me that he was breaking up with me because he wasn't in love with me..........

I wish he needed me, in however little a way, in his life. I need him so much. No matter how upset I am, when I see him, my troubles seem to melt away. When he hugs me, I want to hold on to him forever. And when he kisses me on the top of my head, I feel like I could fly. 

Time will heal all, everyone says. I hope it passes quickly..

I love you with every bit of my little being, baby bear. How I wish you were in love with me the way I am with you. I can't see myself without you.........



Android携帯からの投稿 ]]> https://ameblo.jp/yumixuan/entry-11291185576.html Sun, 01 Jul 2012 03:41:00 +0900
My heart aches.

I guess I've known for some time now how you really feel about me - which is nothing close to what I feel about you - but I've refused to come to terms with it till I said what I said. Somewhere, somehow, I fell madly in love with you - and I'm really.......... upset? you don't feel the same way about me.

It's a quandary - do I go on, or do I "let you go" or........? I want SO much to be with you - I realised that after we had that "talk" last month. It made me think a whole lot about you, me, and us. I love you so much I could never give up on you just like that, but when I think of how unhappy you'll be with me if you were "forced" to stay with me, my heart just breaks. I really want you to be happy.

We're going to be spending a terribly little amount of time together now that I have work and can no longer expend crazy amounts of time going over on weekdays. Weekends seem like they'll get shorter too, with work and pole, which I intend to go back to. I really worry about what will become of us.

I can't explain how I DON'T want to be "tied" in a way engaged/married people are, but I want to be with you and just you. Neither can I explain the kind of happiness I feel just to see you and talk to you. You must be made of magic, baby bear.

I'm certain I'm very much in love with you and I'd willingly follow you wherever you go, if only you said you wanted me there. But I feel you don't...... And I saw dismay in your eyes. And fear. Do I seem like a crazy girl to you now? Like that crazy ex? I'm pretty much endlessly patient and understanding and forgiving when it comes to you - if we could work out something where we could both be happy.......... I'd do it.

I fear losing you way before I'm prepared to. I'd like to try to "save" this relationship before it meets its seemingly inevitable doom when you leave.
]]> https://ameblo.jp/yumixuan/entry-11306084642.html Sun, 03 Jun 2012 23:34:38 +0900


Android携帯からの投稿 ]]> https://ameblo.jp/yumixuan/entry-11227364486.html Thu, 19 Apr 2012 15:31:00 +0900
I really like the escargots and beef stroganov at Ma Maison Bugis. Completely worth the long wait to get a table.

Dessert at Ah Chew... I think it was overpriced. As Mel and Krista went off to order and pay for our food, Siazi asked if I was very affected by what my mom said. I said maybe, she said, "Don't lie. You are not laughing or smiling as much as you always do. Not your usual self."

I didn't know what to say. Sometimes, I think I am completely invisible and people don't really notice me or care, but there are times when someone surprises me and it cheers me up a little - it's nice to be noticed and cared for.

We talked about stuff and concluded that true gentlemen in this day and age are practically extinct. Unfortunately, we also concluded my boyfriend mightn't be one of the people in the rare species category. But he dotes on me in his own way and does stuff which surprises me and touches me so I think it's fine. Nobody is perfect - I'm pretty sure he has his gripes about me. Give and take. Life is so meaningless if you get all uptight about everything all the time. I'm surprised by how much I'm NOT bothered by some of the things he says and does. I actually think they add to his character. It's.....weird. If it'd been anyone else, I'd probably have thrown a fit. Many times.

Yet... It really bothers me. I don't want yet another guy to break up with me for being fucked up. In my defense, I don't think I was completely fucked up before. I always did my best to please those assholes, but nothing ever worked. I think I'm just plain unlucky. I have to try really hard this time or my mom will gloat and bask in the glory of her self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'll be back to my usual self tomorrow, I hope. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/yumixuan/entry-11138852465.html Wed, 18 Jan 2012 01:25:39 +0900
Everything my mom told me today was just... Brutal. I never knew she felt this way about me. How I wish I was a boy. I've ALWAYS wished I was a boy. If I were a boy, everybody would love me, dote on me, and shower me with gifts. Instead, I was born a girl, a disappointment to my grandparents and an eyesore to everyone else who had hoped so much for me to be a boy. I think that's why I cried so much when I was still a baby - I wanted all the attention I knew would be robbed from me the moment my brother was born.

For all my life, I've watched my family give my brother everything he wanted... and more he didn't. We went to toy stores together and always only picked out toys for him. It continued till I was 11. The first time my grandfather suggested I choose something for myself too, I was so happy and chose the smallest thing I could see in the science row. Sea monkeys. They were adorable and I treasured them so much.

I remember my hunger for love, for being shown I was loved. I would do anything to gain favour with my parents, especially with my mom, but it didn't always work. And then I just got into shit relationship after shit relationship, thinking that I'd found someone who'd love me just the way I was... But I was always wrong.

Always, I was told I wasn't enough. I never did enough. Nothing I ever did was enough. I got so sick of it I just gave up and sank into an abyss of despair. I'm so good at pretending I'm happy no one ever noticed.

Summer 2010 was the first time I had ever experienced freedom. I was afraid and stayed in my comfort zone for half of summer school. If I could redo Korea, I'd have said hi to people sooner, gone to the noraebangs more often, climbed up on that roof earlier.

London last summer was amazing. For 10 whole weeks, I had wings. I could do what I wanted, befriend whoever I wanted, go out whenever I wanted, and go wherever I wanted. I mightn't have been able to deal with all that freedom if I didn't meet a very special friend my second week there. If I could redo London, I'd still have flown there alone, gone into clubs alone, and taken trains to random places alone. These are experiences I'll remember and treasure for the rest of my life.

I was so depressed when I came back. I left my heart in London. It still is there. I want to go back so much.

In London, I learnt something really, really important. I can love myself. I've always hated myself and hated that there was nothing about me I could love and convinced, therefore, that no one else could ever love me.

Now that I'm back, I hate myself again.

And my mom has given me reason to hate myself even more. Of COURSE my boyfriend is too good for me. Of COURSE my friends are all assholes for not understanding I can't hang out. Of COURSE my siblings are infinitely better than I am because they are smarter and "pure". I am damaged, broken, and way beyond repair.

WHOSE FUCKING FAULT IS IT?!

If I were a mom, I'd NEVER, EVER, tell my daughter that her boyfriend is too good for her and he'll break up with her some day because there is not a single bit of good about her.

If I were a mom, I'd NEVER, EVER, tell my daughter that just because she can't cook, doesn't believe in make up, and doesn't wear heels, she's a disgrace to all females and should never even have gotten a guy in the first place.

If I were a mom, I'd love and accept my daughter the way she is and try to be a friend to her so she'll have someone to trust with secrets and a shoulder to cry on at home instead of having to always cry secretly into a pillow and bite on her teddy bear's arms to find solace.

I'd also never compare my kids, be they boys or girls, strive to never show favouritism, won't ever tell them the only way they'll get freedom from me is to get the hell out of my house, and will never call up relatives to tell them how horrid my kids are and ask for them to call up the offending child to give him/her a tongue lashing over the phone.

I am so tired. Sometimes, I wish I'd just die quietly in my sleep. Then I'd never have to deal with this ever again. Every single time I think things might have gotten better and I have hopes for a better life, they are dashed with another outburst from the Dowager. I've given up defending myself and everybody else around me. She'll think what she wants regardless of what I say. I just want to sleep forever.

I hope when I'm reborn, I'll be born a boy. If I'm unlucky enough to be a girl, I hope my mom will be merciful enough to get rid of me so I never have to live through this misery again. Can't be a girl in this society. They expect too much of you but don't care for your well-being. Better yet, I'd like to be born a wild animal of some sort. A strong bear, a fleet-footed wolf, a soaring eagle.

I want to be born with wings. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/yumixuan/entry-11138181093.html Tue, 17 Jan 2012 00:10:30 +0900
I know you weren't kidding despite you claiming otherwise.. And I won't say anything about money the next time because I never want to see that look on your face again.

I remember clearly a time when fear dominated my emotions and actions in a relationship. It was one of the most horrible things I've ever experienced, to say the least. I don't think this relationship will be like that, that you'd ever use fear to control me - I'd also like to believe I'm strong enough now, strong enough to stand up for myself - but the memories of the past still haunt me at times.

And my problem is once I get scared of someone, I'll do whatever it takes to please the person and, inevitably, wind up on the path to self-destruction. I hope I'm not like that any longer, but it's always been like that since the first, and I've always tried to escape that fate but failed miserably. I need to try harder.

Sigh.

But I have no reason to be afraid of you, so I don't know where this fear is coming from. It seems so... irrelevant.

Maybe deep inside, I am just a terribly broken puppet. ]]> https://ameblo.jp/yumixuan/entry-11131721302.html Tue, 10 Jan 2012 01:35:28 +0900